People are funny to begin with, but they can be even funnier when under the influence of substances that replace their normal thinking patterns with complete and total gibberish.
Going for surgery presents a rare opportunity to see people in this kind of a hilarious mental state, without breaking any laws or harming their bodies. Though someone needing surgery is never something we want, we can at least rejoice in the fact that it may give us some fun new stories to share for years to come.
Here are some great examples of the weirdest things hospital patients have said and done upon waking up from the gas.
1. Secretly Violent
My husband had a couple of interesting times under anesthesia. When he was 19, he had surgery to remove part of his collarbone. When he was in recovery, he started violently punching and kicking every staff member who came too close to him. It took 3 doctors, his Dad (who is not a small man), and a couple of male nurses to hold him down. He doesn't remember any of it.
Then a couple years ago, he was going under sedation to have a tooth pulled. I have no idea what went on, but when they let me into the recovery room with him, all three nurses were laughing and blushing, but no one would tell me what happened. Again, he doesn't remember a thing.
2. Double Entendre
I am deathly afraid of needles so I got laughing gas before getting put out when getting my wisdom teeth removed. My Indian dentist was testing how out of it I was to see if it was okay to put the needle in me and asked, "How high are you?" really meaning, "How tall are you?" I'm a stoner so my natural response was "I'M HIGH AS EFF DUDE!". Gave him a little laugh that day.
3. Control Yourself, Buddy!
When I was younger, I dislocated both my shoulders—a funny story itself. When I went to the hospital, they put me under and when I awoke I was still feeling the effects.
My dad later told me that when woke up, I started to strip off all my clothes and called my doctor a dirty word multiple times. I guess I don’t react well to anesthetic?
4. Claiming What’s Rightfully Mine
My dentist kept a big basket of little toys and prizes to reward the youngest patients, you know, mini yo-yos and stickers and stuff.
When I got my wisdom teeth out, I remember stumbling over to it and deciding I really wanted a treat, but I was too clumsy from the meds to pick anything up. So I thought, "Screw it, I was so brave, I deserve all of it," and I swept it all into my sweatshirt pocket.
Woke up to my sister and her boyfriend laughing at me, sleeping next to my pile of treasures. Temporary tattoos, stick-on earrings, little whistles and pinwheels, pencils, bouncy balls, I got them all. I couldn't laugh, so I just made a sound like, "Hoo hoo hoo" and went back to sleep.
I feel a little bad about it now.
5. What Could the Thought Process Here Possibly Be?
When I went under to have my appendix removed, I apparently kept telling everyone I could about my cat, Russell.
I don't have a cat.
6. Good Humor Has Serious Consequences
My oral surgeon told me a knock-knock joke while I was being put under for my wisdom teeth removal.
Afterward, he told me that I laughed so hard at the joke that I threw up and wet my pants. He said no one had ever laughed that much at one of his jokes before.
I don't remember any of it, but my pants were definitely moist while I was in the recovery room. It was pretty embarrassing for 23-year-old me.
7. Always Thinking of Others
As I was being wheeled into the operating room for brain surgery the meds were heavily kicking in. My wife, referring to the two dozen or so people preparing for the operation said, "Man, there's an army of people here to take care of you".
I replied, "How the heck are we going to feed them?"
8. A Little More Than the Nurse Wanted to Know
I had a simple surgery about a year ago to remove some bone fragments I had floating around in my ankle when I broke it.
Apparently right after they got me back from my anesthetic they were asking me the date, where I was, and my name to make sure there were no complications. I apparently looked the male nurse straight in the eyes and told him, "You can call me Sally if it makes you feel better, but it isn't going to help you get lucky tonight".
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9. A Strong Head on His Shoulders
My 15-year-old son had a fever, stomach ache, and pain in his side. We went to the doctor, who sent us straight to the hospital fearing appendicitis. ER doc told us the same thing. They start an IV and sedate him then run tests to confirm the diagnosis. Turns out he had the stomach flu, and the pain in his side was gas. Or, as we call it now, the $4,000 toot.
Anyway, as we are leaving the hospital my son is freaking out. He is yelling at me "You are a huge idiot, and getting ripped off. You didn't even ask the doctors to shrink my head back to normal size. How am I going to fit this giant head in the car? There is no way I am going to school like this. What if my head just floats off of my body. Do you even love me? Why didn't you ask them how to shrink my head?"
I was laughing so hard and trying to console my son who was really concerned about his giant head floating off of his shoulders. A positive side effect of his outburst was he got so riled up yelling, he let out a huge toot then let us know he felt better, and only occasionally asked us about his giant head for the next hour.
10. Getting a Little Personal
This happened as I was just waking up from surgery for something done below the waist. As I saw the nurses looking under my gown, they were laughing about something, and I said, "Usually when a woman looks down there she doesn't laugh".
Which caused them to laugh even harder.
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11. Bite My Shiny Metal Bleep
I had a colonoscopy done last year. I also have a tattoo of Bender from Futurama on my butt. Apparently, I was very aggressive in trying to show the nurses and doctors my tattoo. That was a weird day.
12. Thinking Inside the Box
One time I was under and my doctor spoke to me briefly while standing outside my curtained room, with only his head peeping past the curtain. When he saw that I was awake and talking, he elaborately opened the curtain up to reveal a group of 10-15 people standing, watching me in my hospital bed. Apparently, I kept saying that I was on an episode of Scrubs, and I wouldn't stop calling the doc JD.
13. History Repeats Itself
Had two operations about 10 years apart in the same hospital. Got wheeled into the pre-op room for the second operation and looked at a picture on the wall of an underwater scene. Recognized it from when I was 14 and had a flashback of talking endlessly under the pre-op anesthetic to the nurses the last time about "the pretty dolphins". Attempted to relate this hilarious story at 25 to the nurses present and found myself raving about the pretty dolphins all over again.
14. Nothing Wise About This Wisdom Teeth Removal
At 18, I had my wisdom teeth removed. I distinctly remember the doctor asking what I saw out of the window as I was going under. Later, I realized I described in great detail a shirtless woman in the window of the building across the street.
...The doctor’s office overlooked a field.
15. Won’t Take No for an Answer
When I got my wisdom teeth removed, I woke up screaming at the nurses/doctors/whoever was there (I can't remember) because they threw out my teeth—I wanted to keep them. I was screaming "I want my freaking teeth! I should be freaking compensated!!!!" I was really, really, REALLY mad. A crying rage.
I mean, yeah, I wanted my darn teeth, but I have NO IDEA why I was so freaking mad about it. I felt like an upset 4-year-old. For my post-op evaluation, I apologized profusely. The doc just laughed. Anesthesia does funny things to you.
16. Laying Down the Law
Not a doctor, but I was sitting in the recovery room after my girlfriend had her appendix out, and they wheeled in an older woman. The nurses were talking about nurse-y stuff, like what cubicle to put her in, and the older woman goes "HEY! Quiet down back there, or I'm turning this car around right now!" in a dopey anesthesia voice. On cue, both nurses go "Sorry, Mom!" The lady smiles.
17. That Was a Real Nurse With You, Not Someone in a Costume...
I was put under general anesthesia for surgery a few years ago. The doctor told me afterward that I vividly described what I called "the greatest seven minutes of adult video ever created". He said the nurse had to leave the room because she was so embarrassed. I have no idea what video I was even talking about and remember none of it.
18. No Need to Go All the Way to Church for Confession
Along those same notes, when I was coming out from general anesthetic after my colonoscopy, a few months after I turned 21, I described in glorious detail the events of my 21st birthday to my parents and our church pastor, who'd come to visit. Such details included my younger friend hooking up with my boss, how the car had actually gotten damaged, and how the security deposit for the apartment was withheld for "excessive carpet staining".
The first thing I remember was my mother's disapproving stare ಠ_ಠ and my dad saying. "I don't think you should ever drink that much again".
The next time I had a colonoscopy was a few years later, shortly after I returned from Europe (Dublin, London, Amsterdam, Wuppertal, Berlin, Prague, Budapest). I asked the nurse to make sure I was conscious of what I was saying before they let my parents in that time since the stories I was likely to tell were much more embarrassing.
To clarify, I was raised in the Bible Belt, and this was the first time I had discussed anything booze-related with my parents. That church pastor stopped inviting me to events at her house and hasn't looked at me the same way since.
19. Appearances Can Be Deceiving
I am an anesthesiologist and my favorite story revolves around a patient I took care of in St Louis. I was doing an all-night call shift when suddenly we received a page about a shootout. I went to the emergency department to see the patient and he was this 6'4" tall 250+ pound black guy. Pretty tough looking for sure.
He was involved in a gang "altercation" and was shot in the abdomen a few times. We needed to do emergency exploratory surgery so we pre-treated him with some medication and just before going into the operating room I gave him some Versed (midazolam)—a drug that we commonly use to alleviate anxiety, as he was somewhat nervous to have surgery and afraid he would die. Midazolam is the same drug that many dentists use to make you forget getting your wisdom teeth pulled as you may... or may not recall from your experiences.
As we rolled into the operating room he was pretty loopy from the medications and he, the big bad dude who just got shot, overheard the operating room music playing in the background and starts singing along to Miley Cyrus "Party in the USA" at the top of his lungs. He then went on to say "Hey! This song is MY JAM!!!!!" Didn't seem too nervous after that. He did fine in surgery.
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20. You Picked a Good Day to Observe
As a student, I spent a day observing and trying to be helpful in the recovery ward for a GI clinic—think colonoscopies. I was bringing a gentleman's wife in to see him, and went over to see if he was fully awake. Now, this was a very proper gentleman, who came in wearing a three-piece suit, and seemed super-embarrassed about the whole process.
So, he looks up at me, toots, then says "Nurse, I think I have just been violated" before falling back asleep. His wife just sorta stood there. I booked it out of the room, spent 5 minutes laughing hysterically in the cleaning room, surrounded by all manner of equipment designed to go into people.
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21. Serious About Shopping
Oh god, my colonoscopy story! I forgot it! I apparently woke up completely normal after my second colonoscopy. My doctors and nurses all talked to me after I woke up, I responded normally, it was weird. So they let my boyfriend check me out so I could go home and sleep without a camera up my butt or whatever.
So we're leaving and I have to go back and make sure I can just leave, being typically overly worried me I guess. That was the first sign that there was no way I was completely awake since they told me three times I could just leave.
After that, I demanded we go to Walmart so I can see if they have my chips. That's the last thing I remember. Apparently, we had to go to the microwave section so I could touch them all and demand we buy the softest one when we had the money.
Then we had to go see if they had my chips—they didn't, I don't think—where I then shook off my boyfriend to go look at meat marinades. I then wandered around the blankets, touching all of them, before buying an electric blanket because it was soft and could be 'super warm!' When we were leaving I said that was a really good date and I was glad he took me.
Apparently, I have to touch everything and buy the softest of whatever I'm touching. Luckily, my boyfriend doesn't think I'm any weirder than normal.
22. I’m Good to Drive, Trust Me
Not a doctor, but I have had wisdom teeth removed. I remember my doctor mentioning that after I went under I started talking about lizards with hats. That doesn't trump what followed the surgery though.
Upon being roused from my seat my father jokingly offered to let me drive home. He and the doctor had to chase me and take the keys from my hands. Next thing I remember is waking up on the couch making car noises.
23. In the Mood for Singing
My mom was my driver while I had my wisdom teeth pulled and was in the room when I was being 'brought back' from the anesthesia. I don't remember any of it but my mother told me that the nurse told me that I had to keep my mouth still to stop the bleeding.
I then proceeded to start singing "Under Pressure" by Queen and when she told me to stop talking, I looked at her with a face full of disgust and said "Freddie Mercury is a god and it's BS you don't like him". This all happening while my mouth was stuffed with gauze.
24. It’s All About Perspective
When I had my wisdom teeth taken out last summer, I tried to get into a fist fight with my doctor because he kept hitting my gag reflex and I was mad about it. When I came to, he was pretty mad, then while I was being led to the recovery room, the anesthetic made me feel tall, and I started laughing and said: "what is this, an oral surgeon's office for ANTS?!" I kid you not...my memory's spotty, but I very vividly remember yelling that in the office.
Then when I got to the recovery room, I asked for nachos, the nurse said no, and I cried for 3 hours afterward. Pretty sure the doctors and nurses never saw someone switch moods that fast…
25. A Truly Enlightening Conversation
Not a doctor, but did end up in the ER a couple of years ago.
There was this crazy guy in the ER with a relatively superficial stab wound. While waiting for a doctor to attend to the wound, but after receiving copious amounts of painkillers, he started squeezing and stretching the wound. Pretended it was a mouth. Had a super long and involved conversation with his stab wound.
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26. Looks Like Someone Made a New Friend
Scrubbed in on an operation as a medical student, had a patient—she was pretty, too—basically waking up and started to caress my arm. I was also the only guy left in the room at the time, with the surgeon having closed and left to dictate the operative note. She pretty much zoned in on me, started to cry, and touching me non-stop. I was simultaneously flattered and really embarrassed. Needless to say, she didn't remember a thing after a couple of hours.
27. You Are What You Watch
Apparently, when I was put under to get chemotherapy in my spine, I yelled "Demons! Demons! The Apocalypse is coming!" I had watched a whole marathon of Supernatural the day before.
28. A Little Too Much Information
ER nurse here. I put people out like once or twice a day to set bones, reduce dislocations, or sometimes drain really bad abscesses. Funniest one I can remember is this dude in with a dislocated shoulder, kind of a meek guy and his wife was in the room—usually we make family leave, but not always.
Anyway, start talking to him while we push the meds and at first he's totally with it, "Oh well, my wife and I are going to Hawaii (words getting more garbled) thss week and (eyes droopy) Imunna screw the heck outtaver... (almost out)...that dirty tramp". Haha! His wife was SO RED. We all tried not to smile and she excused herself.
29. A Secret Life Caught on Tape
When I was being put under for oral surgery, the nurses said I started babbling in a strange language and recorded part of it for proof. It turns out I was speaking Welsh—my grandparents were from Wales. Odd thing was, under anesthesia I sounded pretty fluent and conscious I only know random words and phrases.
30. Which Comes First, Lunch or Surgery?
When I went in to have my appendix removed after it rudely burst, the doctors were trying to keep me in good spirits. So they asked me some questions before I went under for surgery after not feeling well or eating for about 48 hours.
Doctor: "What is the first thing you want to eat?"
Me: "Wendy's".
Doctor: "What are you going to get at Wendy's?"
Me: "Everything".
Then I went under for surgery and woke up like 2 hours later and it felt like a cactus had scraped my throat. So I obviously asked "what the heck?" and the nurse that was with me simply told me that I had woken up in the middle of surgery.
I guess I slipped my arm out of the wrist holder restraint and reached over and ripped my breathing tube out and advised "I'm freaking starving" and they apparently freaked out and told me they weren't done to which I replied "Oh I'm sorry, continue" and passed back out.
I remember nothing, but my throat does, as well as the orderly that was laughing about it with me in the AM.
31. Wow, You Really Misread That Situation...
I had a chest reduction several years ago and when I came out of anesthesia I immediately punched my nurse in the face and started screaming and trying to get up and get away. It really didn't go well.
I don't really remember them getting me out of the surgery center, but I remember on the way home I was screaming and cursing and just generally freaking out in an insane way, all while my mother attempted to keep me from hurting myself. I guess I thought I was in a captive situation and everyone was trying to kill me, or take my organs for the black market. I have no idea.
When we got home she instantly handed me 2 of my prescribed Percocet and left me to drool and watch TV. I went back a week later and apologized to the nurse, gave her a gift certificate to a day spa, and gave the staff a bunch of baked goods. I felt awful about it. I work in the medical field, and I was the nightmare patient.
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