Going to the doctor is never fun. Although doctors have seen it all, we can’t help but be embarrassed when we find ourselves afflicted by phantom ailments, silly accidents, or even worse—problems in our nether regions. Here, patients share their most embarrassing medical stories that will make even the most seasoned professionals blush and feel their pain.
1. Who Knew?
I once had to take my daughter to the ER because she had stomach pains under her ribs, and we thought it might be her gallbladder. She was bent over, crying, and in a lot of pain. Once we were in the ER, the doctor pushed on her stomach and her face turned bright red—she let out a massive amount of gas. She then said she was feeling better, so they discharged her. I didn't know a girl could pass gas like that. She was 15 at the time, so we still bring it up at family gatherings.
2. Cause For Eruption
My father was an ER nurse. He once came home from a night shift and he made the most ridiculous remark with a straight face: "You know you're a trained professional when you manage to keep a straight face while taking a lava lamp out of a woman". I did not stop laughing for a solid minute.
3. A Big Embarrassment
I got circumcised at 13. After the bloody mess, the doc pointed to some towels for me to wipe myself off with and left the room. After I was finished, the doctor, my mom, and I had a debriefing of the operation. What he said made me cringe so hard—he boasted and elaborated to my mother how many stitches he had to use because my junk was so large. My mother had the most awkward face I'd ever seen.
4. Shave The Pleasantries
This pretty young nurse used to hang out in my room the days before my surgery. She kept me company, and I was her escape from rude old men. The surgery was at the end of my spine, at the top of my behind. I was a hairy dude. One day, she came in with breakfast, and I was like, "Hey!" But her eyes turned cold, and she had a stone face. She said, "Turn around, please". I did. Off came the gown, and she started shaving my rear for the next hour. It was never the same after that.
5. Get Wind Of This
I became romantically active at 18. My boyfriend at the time and I used protection. We slipped up once, but I thought, no big deal; I was on birth control. Weeks later, I was a couple of hours away from taking a test for a class, and I got these cold sweats that were extreme. Then, I got this ridiculous pain close to where I thought my ovaries were. I felt like I was dying...and then it got even worse.
I Googled my symptoms, and the first thing to pop up was an ectopic pregnancy. I immediately panicked. I went to my professor. He sent me home, and I asked my friend to drive me to the ER. I saw the doctor and told him of my suspicions. He asked me what I had eaten that day and pushed down on parts of my stomach. It turns out the food I ate gave me gas that got trapped.
6. Doctor Beware
My dad has what is known as “white coat syndrome”; he can't stand the sight of blood, and he nearly passes out when needles are being put in, even if it's not on him. He avoids hospitals and doctors at all costs. The one time he had been in the hospital for anything serious, they had to sedate him. I've had three shoulder surgeries, a knee surgery, and my gallbladder removed.
Every time I go to the hospital for surgery, my dad seems to be the one to take me there, and for some reason, we haven't changed that. We keep making the same mistake over and over again. When I got my first shoulder surgery, I had a series of injections to numb the nerve endings in my shoulder. That was when we figured out that he shouldn't be present in pre-op because the medical staff has to stop working on me and work on him.
The anesthesiologist laid out all the needles. I looked over at my dad, who was sitting behind me, and said, "Are you okay"? He tried his best to act tough with a manly, "Yea, I am fine. Why do you ask"? However, he was horribly pale. The anesthesiologist put the first needle in me. I didn’t cringe, but I heard my dad go, "Oh God" under his breath.
When the second needle went in, the anesthesiologist had to stop because my dad was going faint. They calmed him down and asked him if he wanted to stay or go out in the waiting room. He tried to brave it out. He made it through one more injection before he got up and left. Later, the nurses went to check on him to make sure he was okay.
After the surgery, while I was in post-op, one of the nurses jokingly said, "Don't worry, your dad is doing fine. He made it through without a problem". For my second two shoulder surgeries and knee surgery, my dad decided to wait it out in the waiting room. When my gallbladder decided that it needed to come out, it was a bit of a different story.
It was a quick onset. I went from, "Hey, I have a little pain in my abdomen" to "My insides are on fire. Make it stop” in a matter of hours. My dad had to come to pick me up. The only way I could get comfortable was by lying face down on the cool tile of my kitchen floor with my arms stretched out. It only reduced the pain; it didn't stop it.
I made it to the ER, and they were trying to check me in. I was sweating and barely coherent enough to answer questions. I was in so much anguish that after about ten minutes of being there, they pumped me full of pain relievers. I was doped up in pre-op, had an IV in my arm, and the nurse said, "We're going to bring your father back so he can keep you company. You've got a few minutes before your surgery".
I tried to say, "Leave him in the waiting room", but I was so out of it she thought it was just the meds talking. My dad came in. He sat down as the doctors and nurses walked in and out of my room. He was sitting in the chair, staring at my IV, and had the armrests gripped to the point where his knuckles were turning white. He wasn’t saying a word. The doctors and nurses just kept doing what they were doing.
Then, one of the nurses startled me awake: "Oh my God! Are you alright"? I answered, "Yea. I'm doing great!". She was talking to my father. The white coats, the nurses, the needles, and the monitors were just too much for him. He had worked himself into a frenzy. His face was all red. He was sweating, still grasping onto the chair like we were about to break the sound barrier, and on the verge of passing out.
In my dopey state of mind, I looked over at him and said, "I am the one they're cutting open. What are you so nervous about"? He didn't answer. Two nurses started tending to him and got him calmed down, and back out to the waiting room he went. I think they checked on him more than they checked on me. I didn't see him again until I had my street clothes back on, and I was sitting in a rocking chair with a cup of coffee and some cookies.
7. Travel Clearance
When I was 26 years old, I’d been having some bowel problems for a few weeks. I couldn’t take a dump, my bowels were blocked by something, and all I could do was squeeze out a little blood. I was in a lot of pain, but after some antibiotics, my bowels slowly returned to normal. I was relieved because I was due to go overseas for a holiday.
The Friday before I left, I saw my regular doctor to discuss whether I would be able to travel. I was pretty confident because I was on the mend. My doc was pleased with my recovery and said traveling would be no problem. He told me it might be a good idea to go to a small local hospital for a very quick, painless procedure called a sigmoidoscopy.
It would be a quick examination of my sigmoid colon, the part of your bowel closest to your rear. He made a call, and it was all arranged. I was to walk to the nearby hospital where I would be seen by a gastroenterologist and would have this sigmoid-whatever then it would all be over. My doctor told me it was non-invasive and I wouldn’t even need an anesthetic.
Both the surgery and the hospital were within walking distance of my house. As I entered the procedure room, it slowly dawned on me that even though my doctor had been very casual about this, I might be in for something quite unpleasant. I had been in a lot of pain over the past few weeks and figured it could hardly be worse than what I had already experienced. Nothing could have prepared me for the experience ahead.
The gastroenterologist asked me to lie on my side with my knees pulled up to my chest. He stood behind me, and a nurse positioned herself near my head. The nurse was a nice old lady who reminded me of my grandmother. As I lay on the table, a large TV was wheeled in front of me directly in front of my face. The monitor was switched on, and there appeared to be a static image of the corner of a room.
The doctor said, “Okay, let's begin”. As he spoke, I heard him pick up his instruments, and the image on the screen wheeled around suddenly. I realized it must be the video feed from whatever he was about to shove inside me. I barely had time to recognize my own hairy behind before a gloved hand appeared, spread my cheeks, and deftly applied some lubricant.
I then watched in horror as we zoomed in on my colon, which swelled to fill the entire screen. Something in my brain decided that I couldn't watch the next part because my eyes closed automatically at that point. The doctor started with a freezing steel tube. I gasped. The doctor asked me if that was uncomfortable, and I replied it was.
He asked, “Is it painful”? I replied, “No...No, it’s ok”. He told me, “I’m going to pump a little air into your bowel now just so we can get a better picture”. I heard a hissing noise and realized that this was going to be a new level of discomfort. I felt the pressure inside my bowels increase suddenly, and I could feel them expanding.
I had a sudden vision of a puffer fish blowing itself up as discomfort turned into pain. The pressure in my bowels quickly became too much to bear...and then it happened. My body responded the only way it knew—by evacuating the air in a ripper, causing my cheeks to flap painfully around the metal scope. It provided some slight relief, but I was overcome with shame and embarrassment on top of my discomfort.
I opened my eyes enough to squint up at the kindly old nurse and apologize. She smiled and reassured me that it didn't matter, which was fortunate because I passed more wind constantly after that. I couldn't help but instinctively and repeatedly apologize. As I closed my eyes again, I caught a brief glimpse of a lurid, glistening, undulating landscape on the TV.
I kept them closed for the next ten minutes while I writhed and gasped like a fish out of water. As I walked slowly and carefully home after the procedure, I realized that my face was frozen in a mask of shock and horror. All I could think of was that this must be what it is like to be probed by a robot.
8. It Was The Pits
I had a rash develop on my left armpit when I was 18. It was awful. It was so bad that it looked like one of those “frosty” burns that kids used to give to each other with cans of deodorant. I assumed I was an idiot and had given myself a “frosty”. Eventually, I went to the doctor and explained how I had given myself a frosty. His response was priceless. He just looked at me for a while before saying, "I don't know what a 'frosty' is, and I don't condone those, but I CAN tell you that this is impetigo. A rash mainly developed by dirty two to five-year-olds".
9. Clearing Out The Backlog
When I was about 12–13, I was constipated. Every now and then, a nugget would pop out, and I simply thought that was all the poop I had to do. One afternoon, I experienced a bad cramp in my gut—a contraction, if you will. I spoke to my mother, who was a nurse, and explained my predicament. We went to our local doctor, and he said that I had a poop backlog, and it could do with being evacuated.
I was checked into a hospital and administered suppositories. They had no effect, so then I received an enema. That also had no effect. So, over the course of the next two days, I received another set of suppositories and two more enemas. Then, one night while I was asleep, my body let its guard down—and total chaos ensued. I awoke with another contraction and felt the imminent doom that was about to escape my body. I headed for the lavatory.
As I sat on the toilet, I heard what could only be described as the gates of Hades being opened and felt my body become about five pounds lighter in three seconds. My entire lower body went numb. I called for a nurse, and after being helped back to bed, I overheard the words “Waste Team” being said. I spent the next ten hours in a deep sleep and the next day in a wheelchair before being able to use my legs again. That toilet was out of use for three more days. I think they had to replace it.
10. Hernia Humiliation
When I was 12, my school district required any kids trying out for sports to have a physical. This included the whole, "Don't drink, don't smoke, let's take your blood pressure, check your vitals, etc". The last and most embarrassing part for a 12-year-old boy is having the doctor examine his groin for a hernia. I got a female med student to perform my physical...and my worst fears occurred. My little guy "reacted" in the way you'd expect, right around when she asked me to "remove my shorts".
She tried to act very professionally while examining my newly developed manhood before exclaiming, "I'm sorry, but isn't he too young to have that? before bursting out in laughter and leaving the room. Her supervising physician, who was male, finished the exam while trying to hold back awkward giggles of his own. Meanwhile, my father was wiping back tears of laughter after witnessing what he was certain to be the most humiliating moment of his son's life.
11. My Pooch Made Me Puke
My dog had a sebaceous cyst on top of his head. He had several lick granulomas, and I thought that this was just another one of those, so I didn't do anything about it until it got pretty large and started oozing. My dog's yearly checkup came around, and we were in the exam room with the veterinarian and the vet tech. I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time.
Normally, I have a cast iron stomach when dealing with medical stuff, but I had constant nausea throughout my pregnancy. The vet tech very enthusiastically popped the cyst while giggling and saying, "I love these things"! At that moment, I instantly felt a chill up my spine. A lot of smelly, nasty gunk came bursting out. It was enough to send me lunging for the sink in the exam room. I was dry heaving, which was forceful enough to cause air expulsion from my other end. It was beyond mortifying.
12. Out From The Wrong End
I got home from work and had a feeling of pain in my abdomen. It was not uncommon, given the fact that I have Crohn's disease, so I thought nothing of it and continued on with my night. By the time 9 PM hit, I was curled up in the fetal position with some of the most intense pain I've ever felt. As the night went on, I eventually vomited and felt immediate relief. I thought it was over, but I was so wrong.
Every few hours, though, the pain came back, and I ran out of things to throw up. When I saw it was 6 AM, and I still had the pain, I knew something wasn't right. Eventually, I was able to drag myself to the toilet to puke again, but this one was different. As I later found out in the hospital, I had a bowel obstruction. This one happened to work itself out by traveling out of the system the other way—I pooped out of my mouth.
13. He Took A Jab At Me
One day, I woke up with extreme pain in my lower back, so my father and I went to the ER. After a while of questioning and discussions between doctors, they came to the conclusion that I had kidney stones. A male nurse came into the room to give me an injection for the pain. So, I laid down on the operating table, and he said, "So, go ahead and pull your pants down".
I was like, “Why would I pull down my pants”? His response had me floored. "Because this shot has to be inserted in your buttcheek”. So as told, I pulled down my pants and got mentally prepared. Then, with the most immense strength ever produced by a single man, he punched me with the syringe. While that was bad enough, he then whacked me behind and left my dad and me creeped out.
14. Laxative Lollies
When I was dieting heavily in my younger years, I ate two large packets of sugar-free lollies. I was so happy I found them and thought I had seamlessly gotten away with a guilty pleasure. But it was all too good to be true...Little did I know sugar-free lollies have an enormous laxative effect. Sadly for me, it built up as gas in my stomach, and it felt like I was going to burst. When the gas finally passed in the emergency room, the 20-second ripper ended with a shart. It was the second most humiliating moment of my life.
15. Easy Come, Easy Go
I had horrifically bad abdominal pain. I paced at home for around 30 minutes before my husband said, “Let’s just go to the ER”. It was so bad I couldn’t breathe. We got to the ER, and it got worse. I couldn’t sit or stand. I got my vitals checked and laid down in one of the rooms. After a few minutes, the pain just subsided. As quickly as it started, it just stopped. The doctor came in, and nothing was wrong. They ran tests to be sure, but nothing was wrong. I was embarrassed.
16. Twisted Over My Testes
After a very long and stressful day, I sat down at my kitchen table and, out of nowhere, felt the worst pain I've ever felt in my right testy. I was sweating and sick to my stomach. In record time, I went into full panic mode. The only thing that made sense in my panicked state was testicular torsion. Not wanting to lose it, I demanded that my mother rush me to the ER.
I was pacing around the waiting area as my mother checked me in, thinking that was the end of me. I was admitted to the ER, and this tall, blonde doctor started inspecting my danger zone. I was in a crazy amount of pain, and after poking around and asking if it hurt, he said I needed an ultrasound done. They wheeled me out to the ultrasound table, and somewhere between the warm gel and seeing the image of my boys on a screen, something began to feel strange. I was no longer in pain. It was a false alarm—I was fine.
17. In The Heat Of The Moment
I was 17 years old and in the children’s hospital. After having a portion of my lung removed, I rested in the ICU—which was open—with no private rooms—for two days after surgery. What I didn't realize was that they take off your underwear during surgery and don't put them back on. I was warm shortly after regaining consciousness and decided to push off my blankets. That's when I realized I had made a huge mistake.
My little guy was now out for everyone to see, including nurses, parents, other patients, and doctors. I had a tube in my chest, so I couldn't sit up on my own, which meant a nurse had to come over and cover up my one-eyed monster because I had tossed the blankets out of my reach.
18. Crushing Like A Schoolgirl
I wanted to get on birth control when I was a teenager, and my medical insurance would only cover it if I got my "yearly exam", which I had never had before. I did not have a choice of doctor, unfortunately. As I was lying on the table with my feet in the stirrups, the doctor strolled in. But that's not even the worst part—he was a resident and one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen. As if it was not bad enough having my parts displayed, I was blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl.
19. Caught In The End Zone
In the sixth grade, I was in gym class playing flag football. This girl had the football, so I went to grab her flag. But because she decided to wear a thong that went up her muffin tops, I accidentally got my right ring finger around that. That was embarrassing enough, but it got even worse. She spun to avoid me, and my finger broke in three places and dislodged two joints.
When I told the doctor that I had broken my finger on a thong, we had to get him to stop laughing before we could continue.
20. It Was A Tough Thing To Swallow
One New Year's Eve, I was at my girlfriend's parent's house to celebrate the evening. It was late because we had driven three hours to get there after I had gotten off of work at 6 PM. Her mom was a fantastic cook in everything except steak. No matter what, her family would overcook it until it was a chewy, tasteless hunk. They also weren’t the best judges of marbling and would grab steaks with great globs of fat.
For the festivities, they were cooking steak and crab legs. I LOVE crab legs and was excited. We sat down to eat at around 9:30 PM. Everyone was hogging the crab legs, so I grabbed some leather steak because I was starving. I took a big old bite and swallowed. However, I didn't swallow it; I couldn't swallow it. I felt that indicative upper back/neck lump that lets you know that you're going to have a hard time getting a piece of food down.
I grabbed my drink and took a swig, assuming I could force it down with some liquids. I was wrong. The beef chunk just stayed there, and the water went nowhere. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, where I proceeded to puke the water up. But something felt very, very wrong. Turns out, you can't puke if you have something blocking your esophagus. The water just came back out of my throat.
I could breathe just fine; I just couldn't swallow. I continued to try to get the steak out of my throat by making myself barf with my fingers. It was to no avail. It WOULD NOT come up. By that time, the family was getting worried, and I was getting panicked. This had NEVER happened to me this badly. I could always get it up somehow. I was also really embarrassed.
I had to come out of the bathroom and admit that I had a piece of steak in my throat that wouldn't come out. The family was pretty dumbfounded. I went outside to try to jog, jump, roll, dance, Heimlich myself, gag, drink, vomit—anything. Nothing worked. My girlfriend had been talking to her mom the whole time, and it was decided that I should go to the ER.
We got to the ER at around 11:30 PM. I had to explain to multiple people that I had a large piece of steak stuck in my esophagus, that, yes, I could breathe and I could still talk, that I had already tried water, etc. I finally got registered and wheeled to the back, where I sat for another hour. A male nurse was nice enough to bring around a laptop and let us watch the ball drop in the back of the hospital. A silver lining, but things were still getting worse for me.
They were calling around to see who could pull this piece of steak out. It turned out that the only ear, nose, and throat doctor around was across the border in South Carolina at another hospital. That night was my first ambulance ride. When we got to the hospital in South Carolina, it was announced that the doctor would be in first thing in the morning.
So, I had to stay the night in the hospital. I had to reiterate everything to everyone again. Not only that, but I had to constantly "puke" because saliva would consistently build up in my throat every ten minutes or so. I stayed up all night in a hospital bed, sitting, gargling, puking, cleaning, rinsing, and repeating. I spent eight hours of my life doing this. In the morning, the ENT came, and they wheeled me to surgery.
After I woke up, the ENT came out to talk to me. He said they had to put me to sleep so that they could jam some forceps down there and pull it out. He said the hunk of beef was about the width of a silver dollar and nothing but fat. I told myself I would always cut my beef small and never let this happen to me again, but it did—eight months later, on a bison steak. I don't eat any steaks anymore.
21. Blue For You
I had a partially herniated disc, so I needed a steroid injection in my back to get the pain and swelling down so it could slurp back into place while doing physical therapy. I went in, thinking the injection would be administered to my back. They told me to pull down my pants. Apparently, the steroid gets injected up INTO my spine from below, so basically, into my buttcrack.
They cleaned the site and loaded me up onto this machine that had a little X-ray above it. Somehow, the table broke; it wouldn't go up and down. The med techs kept pressing buttons, trying to get the table to move me up toward the X-ray machine, but it won't go anywhere. So you can imagine the horrific scene—there I was, face down, rear up for about 15 minutes, moving up and down in the air.
Eventually, they had to call a maintenance dude who came in and hit the machine a few times and got it moving. They went ahead with the injection, I pulled up my drawers, waddled out to my car, went home, and all seemed OK. Later that night, I was wandering around, and my fiancé asked me, "What's that on your pants"? I had no idea what she was talking about.
I headed to the mirror, and apparently, the stuff they used to clean the injection site with was bright blue. Combined with normal guy sweat, it had leaked through my pants to create a big blue stain right on my rear. I checked my actual behind, and it, too, was entirely blue. It took three days to scrub it all off.
22. Sprout It Out
When I worked in a medical office, I had to transcribe a report about an older gentleman who was experiencing some "dribbling" from his little guy. Rather than seek medical attention for it, he would place a small bean into the opening and just remove it when he needed to pee. Well, one day, his "solution" became a major health concern—he couldn't get the bean out. He figured it would come out on its own at some point, so he let it be.
Eventually, he did seek medical attention because the bean had begun to sprout.
23. Frozen Fumble
I took my family for a Korean barbecue dinner. Somehow, my five-year-old cousin stuck her ice cream cone between my glasses and my eye. It hurt really bad, and I ended up in the ER. The next day, I went to the eye doctor. When he looked into my eye, he gasped. Basically, my cousin performed Lasik with an ice cream cone. My eye was patched all week, tinted yellow, and had no perception.
24. Fill ’Er Up
It was the first time I had to take a urine test on my own. I was given a package that contained a large specimen cup and five or six vials. Being the astute little man that I was, I figured I should fill them all. So, I peed into the specimen cup, spraying urine everywhere, and held my pee while I poured the cup's contents equally into the six vials, again splashing pee everywhere.
I then resumed my stream and refilled the specimen cup with more backsplash. At that point, no part of my clothing was dry. The vials and specimen cup were covered, so I wiped them off and put them in a paper towel satchel. I cleaned myself as best as I could and I made my way back into the exam room.
When I walked back in, the doctor simply stared in horror. I was absolutely soaked, and my mom was just laughing profusely. I remember, quite specifically, the doctor saying, "You only had to fill the cup, sweetie". I thought, “Then why would you give me the vials too”? To this day, I maintain I did the logical thing.
25. Leaping Labia, What Is That?
When I was about 16, I realized something was severely wrong with my labia. However, because of my crushingly conservative upbringing, which taught me to be ashamed of anything body-related, I was terrified of bringing up important stuff to my guardians. I waited several more days than I should have and asked my grandmother to take me to the doctor.
I went to the doctor. She spread me out to take a look and said what you never want to hear from anyone in a medical position, "Oh no". I asked. “What”? She grilled me about my history, which was nonexistent, and we had what amounted to the same conversation several times. She asked me if I practiced safe intercourse, to which I replied, “I'm a virgin".
I was baffled by what she told me next. "It looks to me like you've contracted herpes". I thought, “How on Earth did I get herpes”? She then said, “But it seems strange. Please wait here a moment while I get a colleague". She took off and arrived back fifteen minutes later, dragging another doctor behind her. They both stood before my spread legs and stared, scratching their chins.
The original doctor said, "I've never seen anything like it". The other doctor replied, "Neither have I. Let me go ask (some other doctor); he might have seen a case like this before". I had four doctors in there staring at my bits. At one point, the original doctor whipped out her notebook and began drawing a doodle of my mutated parts so that she could point out the details to other doctors.
In the end, they scraped around for some cultures to test and sent me home with a lot of Vicodin since I couldn't move or pee without screaming. Eventually, they called us back to say it wasn’t herpes, but they didn’t know what it was. After that, it went away, so they gave up trying to figure it out.
26. This Exam Ran Afoul
When I was in the 8th grade, I was going to try out for the school soccer team. Anyone who did any physical fitness at school outside of gym class needed to get a physical done. So, my parents and I headed to our family practitioner for a physical, but the problem was our doctor was not there that day. Instead, I got a female practitioner who was old and looked grumpy.
My parents were both with me. Once we got into the doctor's office, the doctor did the routine stuff—an eye check, pushing on my abdomen, taking my blood pressure, etc. After doing all of the tests, she asked me, "Please pull down your pants". My only response was, "What"?
My parents never told me I had to get my hernia checked because they didn't even know! So, as she asked that question and my seemingly bewildered response was given, my parents started laughing and were basically on the verge of tears in the corner of the doctor's office. At that point, I started laughing because it was my first time showing my balls to a doctor—let alone a female doctor—in a cold office. I pulled down my pants to the bare minimum.
The amount of jiggling and wiggling my nuts was doing was to the point where she just did a quick push and cough thing, cleared me, and I was out of there. It was by far the most embarrassing experience ever, not only because some old lady did a hernia check for me but because both of my parents were in the room watching and laughing.
27. Hanging By A Thread
When I was in 6th grade, to wrap up the school year in my hometown, all the schools would have a big "Beach Day". Everyone was really stoked about it. When the day came, I woke up early to get ready. For some reason, my friends and I decided to wear our pants commando so we could get in and out of the changing rooms quickly.
So, I went to put on my loosest, most comfortable, REVERSIBLE cargo pants. They were the kind from the '90s with a zipper that could flip around. I thought they were so cool...until they betrayed me. The zipper snagged my poor, prepubescent little guy in the worst of ways. At first, I thought it was no big deal, but this time was different. After fighting with it for a good 10 minutes, I had to call my dad for help.
My dad was known as being the worst morning person ever. He walked into the room, hearing me crying and trying to call out for him. I stood there with my heavy cargo pants supported by my tiny child's thingy. My dad never laughed harder, which just made me cry more. By that point, I was late for Beach Day. My dad awkwardly tried getting the zipper dislodged, but it was holding strong.
He did all he could, then grabbed a pair of scissors and cut out the small square of my zipper from my favorite pants, leaving me with a one-inch square of fabric and steel hanging on by the tip. Tiny drops of blood were visible. Painfully, my dad got me to put on a pair of snow pants— the loosest fitting pants I had—and we left for the hospital.
There was a three-hour wait, and my dad couldn't stick around because he was already in trouble for work. So, he left me waiting, crying alone, in the crowded waiting room full of strangers asking me what my problem was. It just made me cry harder. Finally, I got in to see a doctor, and an incredibly attractive nurse had me explain my situation to her, which may have been the most embarrassing moment of my life.
The doctor came around, and the nurse did her best to professionally tell him what the problem was and couldn't translate it without breaking out in laughter—both of them. I cried even more. The doctor got me to take off my snow pants and checked out my little-boy business. That was bad enough, but it just spiraled even more from there. He then proceeded to tell me he was going to have to numb the area around the tip, and the only way to do that was using a needle—three, in fact.
Once I had lost all feeling in my boy bits, he took out a tiny jaws-of-life-looking device to crack the brittle steel of my zipper. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, and the doctor swore he had never dealt with such a serious case of "zipper jamming" in his 20-year career.
He gave me some Polysporin and told me I couldn't be in a swimming pool because of the risk of infection. I missed Beach Day.
LightField Studios, Shutterstock
28. Such A Diva
I went to a walk-in clinic to get help with a Diva cup that I couldn't remove. This was my very first time using one, and I didn't insert it properly. It was angled too far up, and the suction kept that thing in there tightly. After 24 hours of trying unsuccessfully to get it out myself, I decided I needed help. So, I sucked up all my pride, swallowed my embarrassment, went to the local clinic, and told the doctor what I wanted her to do.
I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I got on the table, and she found the bottom of the cup, pinched it, struggled with it a bit, then pulled it out. The doctor gagged, put the cup on the table beside her, and promptly left the room without a word. I cleaned myself up, rinsed the cup in the little sink in the examination room, wrapped it up, and stuck it in my purse. I left the building as fast as I could and never went back.
29. Pleasure Probe
I had a lump on my left testicle, which I thought was worth a doctor's visit. Unfortunately, my GP, despite his very best attempts, simply could not locate the object. So after 5 to 10 minutes of examination, he gave up and said it was probably fine anyway.. On the way out, we were doing the general goodbye exchange. That's when it got awkward. I said, "Thanks", and he came back with, "My pleasure".
30. The Skin Off My Nose
I was packing up my stuff and leaving my ex-boyfriend. My sister, who was kind enough to wait outside, was feeling impatient, so I was a little rushed. I was trying to hang a hanger in the back seat hook of her car when I suddenly got the hook end of the hanger stuck up my nose. I panicked, pulled, and in doing so, I made a critical mistake—I ripped my septum out completely. There was blood everywhere. I was pretty embarrassed to admit to the doctor that the injury was sustained in a spaz attack.
31. Growing Pains
When I was 15, I was extremely small for my size. My parents, worried that I hadn't grown, took me to see an endocrinologist. She was doing a series of tests when she pulled out what looked like a big necklace with testicle-shaped beads on it. She had me remove my pants and started measuring to see which one matched. Being a young boy at the height of puberty, I couldn’t control myself. While the doctor was examining my genital area, I experienced an unexpected physical reaction, causing some discomfort for both me and the medical professionals present.
32. Mom Got Cheeky
I had developed a nice case of hemorrhoids because of birthing children. After attending a going away party for a friend of mine, I laughed so hard that my hemorrhoid thrombosed. I felt like I had a large grape attached to my behind. After a couple of very uncomfortable hours, I called my mom because she worked in surgery and had doctor friends.
I asked her if a prescription for a cream or something could be called in. The doctor said, "Just bring her by the office". So my mom loaded me up in the car and took me in. After some awkward chit-chat, I showed the doctor my rear, who then instructed my mom to "Glove up". The doctor took a scalpel and lanced hemorrhoid, drained the clot, and popped in a few stitches. The most humiliating part? My mother held my cheeks open for the surgeon.
33. The Worst Of The Worst
In my first year of university, I managed to get a cold sore on the right part of my lower lip, that slowly but inexorably spread to my upper right lip, took over the entire right side of my mouth, and then, somehow, began to spread down over my chin and across my cheek. I didn't even know cold sores could spread beyond the lips/mouth.
This cold sore covered a good third of the lower right side of my chin and cheek. After a week, I looked like a plague victim. It got so painful I couldn’t speak, and I wound up drinking soup through a straw because any other food was too agonizing to consume. I made an appointment at the university clinic. I arrived, having covered my lower face with a scarf.
I got to the nurse's room, and they chuckled, saying, "Oh, it can't be that bad. Take your scarf off; we've seen everything here"! I duly removed the scarf to display my giant cold sore. The nurse abruptly lost her smile. She stared in an awful way at it, and then said: "Wow, if we had a board with photos of the worst-case scenario for each type of affliction, we'd have a photo of that for the cold sore section".
34. Ticked Off
I was camping when I was 11. I was out with some friends and their parents. Around 9 PM, I went to take a leak when I noticed something horrifying on my junk—a tick. I couldn't get it off, so I ended up having to get my friend's dad to help. Everyone knew what was going on, and I was terrified my junk was going to fall off. I was practically bawling.
After ten full minutes of his dad tugging at the tick with tweezers, it finally came off. A week later, the bite was still visible, and I had to go to the pediatrician to get it looked at. It turned out the head was still in my head. That's two grown men who now had to tweeze my junk in a week. It was terrible.
35. I Just Wanted To Break Loose
I was 18 and had just become romantically active. My girlfriend at the time was new at things and knocked one of my family jewels. The pain would fade and return pretty frequently for a few days straight. Finally, I decided to go to the ER. My dad took me—he knew nothing of chit-chat. The doctors had me pee in a cup, took my blood, pressed on my abdomen—the whole nine yards. After about four hours in the ER, the pain had once again dissipated, and I tried getting out of there...
But it was too late. As I started getting up off the bed, a nurse came in and said all tests were negative, but they needed to administer a rectal exam. So here I was, standing in a room with a doctor who looked JUST like John Clayton. He didn't say one word to me. All in one swift motion, he put his hands on my hips, turned me away from him, pulled down my boxers, and stuck what felt like his entire lubed-up fist in my behind.
I've never felt such an excruciating and weird feeling in my life. I could feel his fingers dance on my prostate. He was up there for a good minute feeling around. After he pulled out, I waddled straight to the toilet. There was still not a word from the doctor. I walked back to my room in the ER to see my dad red in the face, laughing so hard, he was crying. It turns out the rear action fixed my twisted nut.
36. Gather ’Round
My father took me to the hospital when I was 15 to check a skin condition on my buttocks that I had had since I was six but had gotten worse. The doctor did not know what it was and said I had to attend the dermatologists’ morning meeting. I thought that I was going to sit with them and tell them about my condition and that the pictures the doctor had taken earlier were going to be looked at on a computer.
At 10 AM, about 10 doctors and apprentices came into the office. I was getting ready to pack my bag and go sit with them, but the doctor said, "Remove your pants, please". I was mortified, while my dad sat in the corner, trying not to laugh. I had to do as they said, and all the doctors gathered around like my rear was the most interesting thing they had ever seen. One of the apprentices poked me with his pencil, and no one even looked me in the eyes or talked to me. After that, they cut a piece of my behind off to examine it further.
37. Amped Up
I was sitting in a high school history class, and nobody was taking any work seriously, so I was chatting with my friend who sat in front of me. Meanwhile, they were playing with an empty energy drink I had on my desk. Unbeknownst to me, my friend pulled off the tab at the top, snapped it in half, threw it inside the can, and put it back on my desk.
Hoping I could get one more caffeinated drop of Ampy goodness, I tilted back the can, grabbed a couple of drops, and then my eyes widened with fear—I instantly began choking on a sharp jagged chunk of metal. Unfortunately, I accidentally swallowed it. I ran out of the room and down to the nurse’s station. Nobody knew what had happened; I just jumped out of my seat and ran down the hall. The ambulance came, and I went to the ER, got some X-rays, and the doctor told me, "Yeah, just wait a while and [poop it] out".
38. Nut Job
When I was in seventh grade, my seminal valves twisted on one of my testicles. This started when I was in class. I noticed difficulty walking to class, and it started to hurt. Halfway through class, I could feel my heart beating in my family jewels. I asked the teacher if I could go to the nurse’s office. I told him it was an emergency, but he told me I could go after class.
I waited about 10 minutes before I just got up and left. I got to the nurse’s office and had to drop my pants to show her my gigantic testicle. At that point, the left nut was about the size of a large orange, and the right one had shrunk to the size of half of a raisin. She started freaking out and called my parents and the hospital.
The hospital told her to get me an ambulance. The paramedic put a stethoscope on my ball and asked me a bunch of dumb questions about it, like “Is this abnormal? Have they ever done this before? Does it hurt? Do you normally have a testicle that is 200x times the size of the other”? When I got to the hospital, I was told to remove my pants in triage so the nurse could see. But that's not the even worst part.
The hospital was under construction, so triage was in the middle of the waiting room. I bared myself to 50 people or so. They started an IV and made radio calls to set up an operating room. They started rushing me around the hospital, room to room, on a chair with my pants and underwear off. Finally, they decided to do an ultrasound on my testicles to see what was really wrong.
I was finally in a room with the ultrasound device, surrounded by 30 med students of some type, looking at my nuts. Many came up and touched them at some point. Finally, the ultrasound tech got there and started looking at my nuts. They applied a bit too much pressure and crusty GREEN puss burst out of my willie onto a doctor's white lab coat.
The ultrasound tech and ER doctor told me, "It looks healthy. No need for panic", and referred me to see a urologist. He gave me a bunch of pain meds and told me to stay home from school.
39. Nothing Rash About It
I got a runner's rash after doing my first ten-mile run. I let it fester for about two to three weeks before I got medical help. It was all over my gooch and to the right and left of my nutsack. Every step I took felt like I was tearing the area, and every time I stood still, it felt like there were ants nibbling on it. It also smelled like fish because of the baby rash ointment that I used to try to stop it from getting worse.
I finally went to the student health center, and I prepared myself for an older person to take a look at my junk. Whenever I had been to the hospital in the past, I had never been examined by someone who wasn't old. I walked in, checked myself in, then the nurse came in. As expected, she was an older lady and started asking me about the "damage", which I explained to her in good detail.
Then, she started asking me about my weight, height, and other random things that she typed into the computer. When she was done getting her information, she said, "Well...that's that. I'll bring the doctor in". I was thinking, "What!? Why can't she just check it out and get this over with"?! Then, the doctor came in, and my jaw dropped to the floor. She was beautiful and dressed to impress.
At first, I thought it was a joke because she was just so darn hot. I thought that maybe the older doctors put her up to this because she was recently out of school, and they wanted to give her a hard time having to look at my stuff. She asked me some questions and then finally said, "I'm going to leave the room for a bit, so why don't you get undressed and ready for me"?
I responded with an "Ok" and snickered in my head because she made the situation a lot more suggestive than it already was. I took off my clothes, jumped on the weird examination bench, and covered myself with the sheet of paper she gave me. The doctor came in and said, "Well, let's take a look, shall we"? She pulled the paper away with her gloved hands.
My heart started thumping hard. She slowly traced my inner thighs with her fingers and ran them all the way to ground zero. My heart started double timing. She chuckled and told me everything was going to be alright. When she finally saw the damage, she gave out a sympathetic sigh, grabbed my balls, and said, "Oh, you poor thing. These will look wonderful after I help you out".
I began to get excited and let out a nervous chuckle. When she was finally done, she told me that I had a couple of fungal infections and that it was a wonder that I managed to fight the pain as long as I did. She gave me a prescription for my rash. I said my thank yous and goodbyes and left. After using the whole bottle, my infection was better but not fully cured.
I went to the pharmacy to get a new bottle. They told me to call the nurse and ask her for a go-ahead to get a new prescription. When I made the call, I told the person on the line about my rash. Here's where it gets interesting—I had no idea the person on the other end was the hot doctor. She said, "Oh, it's you! I remember you! So it isn't fully healed? Well, how about we have another check-up? The first time wasn't so bad. This way, I know that I am doing my job well".
I agreed and went back to see her. During that visit, she was handling my stuff even more generously, and she stayed in the room to watch me undress. I told her that I didn't mind her being in the room, so she took a seat and watched me. She gave me a new prescription, and it did the job. After the rash was cured, I was happier than a pig in mud.
So, I decided to write the hot doctor a thank you note. I gave it to the front desk, and the next day, I got a call from the doctor herself. She asked me if I wanted a final check-up, and I joked around that she just wanted to see me again. We talked for a while, and I decided, "How about I just throw myself out there and ask her out" so I did. She laughed and accepted my proposal.
40. Tired From The Toilet
When I was 17, I was having a lot of intestinal distress. So, along with a ton of other tests, my gastroenterologist scheduled me for a colonoscopy. As anyone who has had a colonoscopy will tell you, the actual procedure is far less unpleasant than the preparation, which involves taking powerful laxatives with each meal for the three days leading up to the day of the procedure.
Two nights before the colonoscopy, I woke up in the middle of the night needing to pee. I knew I needed to take a dump too, but I was tired of doing so eight times a day for 20–30 minutes at a time. So, I was just going to stand in front of the toilet, pee, and go back to sleep. I lifted the seat, dropped my trousers, and sneezed. Then, I realized what I had just done.
In short, there was an eighteen-inch diameter circle of mess spray-painted on the wall two feet behind me. I was exhausted, so I sketched a biohazard symbol on a piece of paper, taped it to the bathroom door, and went back to sleep.
41. Too Close For Comfort
When I was about 15 years old, I woke up one day, and the tip of my johnson started to hurt when I went for my morning pee. I got really worried as I hadn't experienced the joys of a romantic partner yet, so I went straight to the doctor. The usual guy was not in, but there was a cute-looking female doctor who was available. At that moment, I knew things were going to get awkward.
Needless to say, I was a bit shy, but I really wanted to see if everything was okay down there. She asked me a few questions about my (lack of) romantic activity, then told me to show her my little guy. Using every ounce of willpower to force myself not to get hard, I complied while she held it there, inches away from her face.
42. In A Jam With My Joystick
Back when I was in middle school, I was on the floor in my room without any clothing while playing some video games. At one point, I strained a muscle in my chest and couldn't get up. Realizing that I couldn't help myself off the floor, I came to a horrifying realization—my dad would have to come home from work, pick me up off the ground, and bring me to the emergency room. I told him it was just a chest muscle strain; he still doesn't know how it really happened.
43. Let ’Er Rip!
One night back in high school, I woke up with terrible stomach pains in the middle of the night. I spent an hour in the bathroom trying to vomit or poop so the pain would disappear. Eventually, my mother drove me to the hospital, and after half an hour in the ER, I finally got a room. The nurse came in to do all that pre-doctor stuff, and the moment she left, I really couldn't take it anymore—I let out a giant ripper and felt 100% better. We left shortly after that, and, yes, it was awkward.
Cast Of Thousands, Shutterstock
44. Hot Shot
I had a horrible ear infection along with a terrible throat ache. I wasn't eating or drinking anything and mostly just laid on the couch like a lifeless fish in summer. After a couple of days of my illness getting worse, my mother decided to lug me to the doctor. I sat on the table feeling insanely tired as the doctor ran down the usual questions. Finally, she inspected my throat and ear.
She came to the conclusion that I would need an injection. As she explained to my mother what it was, my mom's face changed, and a smile came onto her face as she was going to tell me the glorious news. She told me, "Honey, this shot doesn't go in your arm". The doctor smiled uncomfortably as my mom told me the needle would be heading straight for my rear.
So after a couple of minutes, the nurse came in. He was a pretty good-looking dude. He told me to lie down on my stomach. Down went the pants and in went the needle. My mom tried to cover up my crack, but it was no use.
45. As Cold As Ice
I once had a crippling pain in my abdomen and genital area, and my johnson got cold, white, and started tingling. I had no idea what was going on, so I had a friend drive me to the ER. I felt relieved...until the medical professionals there told me a hard truth—they also had no idea what it was. I felt like they weren’t taking me seriously the entire time. I was also pretty young, so I felt they were discounting it as such.
It went away in a few hours without explanation, and it never happened again. I was pretty terrified.
46. Room With A View
A few years ago, I went to the hospital to have a pilonidal cyst removed from the top of my buttocks by my tailbone. I was later told I needed to have surgery done to prevent a recurrence, so I did. I went in for a post-op follow-up and bared my scarred behind to the doctor and assistant, who was a really, really hot Latina chick.
A couple of years later, a very attractive young female showed up at my door looking for a room for rent. Later that night, she texted me asking if I had had surgery, who the doctor was, etc. I couldn't believe it—it was her! She said she "saw my booty", and I playfully asked her if she liked it. She replied that she loved it. I then asked her if she wanted to get coffee or something, but she didn’t respond.
47. All’s Well That Ends Better
When the second Lord of the Rings movie was in theaters, I made plans to see it with my brother-in-law. That morning, I went to take a leak and I realized something was terribly wrong. A few seconds later, I passed a giant kidney stone that was a funny shape. It turned last minute and got stuck in the tip of my johnson. I had to go to the emergency room.
They called in my urologist, who, with the help of a nurse who had to grip my junk for him, spent the better part of an hour digging the stone out of my pee hole. The nurse kept asking me if I wanted more morphine, a request I eagerly obliged because regardless of how much they gave me, I could still feel the digging and tearing of my organ. When it was over, I was released, and I still went to the movie with my brother-in-law.
I was tripping through the whole thing as the morphine really took hold.
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