Kids don’t know any better, or so they say. But they know more than we think, at least according to these beleaguered teachers. Reddit asked educators to divulge the most scandalous thing a kid has ever revealed about their home life via innocent dialogue. Naturally, the internet stepped up to dish the playground gossip.
Maybe some family incidents are poorly served by the limited vocabularies of children. Maybe some parents just need to get better locks on their doors, or at least tone down the PDA. From happy hours with grandma to dead animals galore, there’s no shortage of things that little kids can get wrong in a big way. From out of the mouths of babes, here are 42 stories about the home lives revealed in class.
1. Midnight Games
I had a kid ask me if it was normal for adults to wrestle every night before going to bed.
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2. Swimming in Separate Bedrooms
My friend was teaching an improv class to first graders at camp and asked them to name some "everyday activities." First two examples: "Getting divorced!" and "Resuscitating someone after drowning!"
3. Spilling the “T”
From my wife's pre-K class: "That's daddy's new girlfriend. Mommy says she's a slug."
4. Just Say “No,” Dad
One time in fourth grade, a couple of police officers come into the classroom to teach the kids about drugs as part of the D.A.R.E. program. For some reason, they brought in a bunch of drug paraphernalia to show kids what kind of things to avoid. An officer held up a piece and goes, "This here is a crack pipe." Then one of the kids shouted out, "Hey, my dad has one of those!" Thinking he was making a mistake, one of the students said, "Ryan, do you want your dad to get in trouble!?" Ryan replied: "...kinda."
5. Trim the Details
I was reading a book to a kid (3 1/2) when he stops me to tell me that, "Mommy doesn't like hair on her vagina so she cuts it." We didn't finish the book.
6. Language Is Slippery
I was walking through the store with my friend's kid when she started singing "KY Jelly is a yummy yummy jelly!" as loud as she possibly could over and over.
7. Unfair Game
A kindergarten teacher I know once had a student who drew a picture of himself and his father hunting deer. His stick figure had a flashlight, and his father had a gun. He had the teacher write at the bottom, "I hold the flashlight while my daddy shoots the deer." For those of you who don't live in Appalachia, shining a flashlight in a deer's eyes immobilizes them and is illegal.
8. Uber Incorrect
When my son was 3, he told me he wanted to ride a lesbian. I about pissed myself laughing. For the record, he was trying to say limousine.
9. Face the Facts
I'm a counselor at a summer camp. One kid was playing in the mud. When we asked him to stop, he stood up, and smeared it on his face, like battle paint. He proceeds to shout, "MY DADDY SAYS IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LOOK NICE AS LONG AS YOU LOOK LIKE A BADASS." The kid was 7 years old.
10. Mistress and Master of Disguise
I had a child tell me that his mom and dad both like to play dress up at home. The description of their "costumes" made it quite clear that this was private time dress up. Made for a few interesting interactions with the parents throughout the year.
11. I’ll Drink to That
My little brother is a very articulate and mature little boy. When he was 5 years old, his teacher was telling the class about her dog, who she had to put down. A little later the kids were cutting out pictures from magazines for some project, when my brother walked over to the teacher with a picture of a wine glass he had cut out. He handed it to her and said, "Sorry about your dog."
12. Where There’s Smoke
My nephew apparently told his teacher in kindergarten that his mommy and daddy would have friends over and pass around a cigarette to each other.
13. Treeing Up the Wrong Bark
A second-grade class was planting a tree for Arbor Day. They do it every year with the help of a landscaper. He lets them each take a shovel and move dirt to the tree, so they all have a part in the actual planting. One kid says matter-of-fact, "I've done this before." All proud of himself. The landscaper nods along and says "Oh, really?" The kid goes "YEA, WHEN WE BURIED MY DOG!" Still with a proud attitude. The landscaper replies "Well, I hope this is more fun." The kid agrees. Not the most revealing conversation a kid would have, but I still got a chuckle from it.
14. Road Rage
My mom used to babysit a set of twins, a boy and a girl, One day, they were playing together in one of those kiddie car things. They were maybe 4 or 5 years old, and suddenly she shouts at him while he's inside the car "YOU’RE DRIVING IT WRONG, WOMAN!!!!" I’m guessing she picked up the exact phrase from her dad.
15. Gateway Cuddles
The funniest and slightly sad one that occurred was when I was teaching first grade. One of the little girls in my class—who was absolutely sweet and adorable—got picked up by her dad and his girlfriend. The two adults were doing some serious snogging outside (butt grabbing included) in full view of my class. I went up to them and asked them politely to knock it off. The daughter then says out loud, "But Miss A, at least they aren't naked this time!"
38. Jurisprudence from Junior
While discussing how to take care of Legos, a first-grade student chimes in: “And if you steal even one Lego from Ms. So-and-so's room you'll go to juvie, and they'll put pepper spray in your eye, and it will hurt for a week.”
16. Happy Hour
My mom used to make wine and keep it in the pantry while it was sitting or fermenting or whatever it is that wine does. Anyway, she was in the pantry siphoning the wine from one container to the next. The phone rings and I answer it. From the pantry, my mom hears me say "My mom's in the pantry drinking wine, she can't come to the phone."
17. A Grab Bag of Wrong
Once in fifth grade, at the YMCA after-school program, a first grader (girl) came from the side of me and grabbed my junk as I was talking with a friend. A counselor witnessed this, told her she was wrong, and asked why she did that. The little girl said, "That's what my mommy does to my daddy before he goes to work."
18. Quote Bank
Two quotes from my wife's daycare:
"My daddy has a HUGE penis!"
"My mommy is picking me up because my daddy is in jail!"
19. Don’t Go Too Fast
My wife teaches second grade here are a few from her. One kid couldn’t take a shower one morning because his parents were in there. Another kid said her parents were "racing" in their bed.
20. Paternal Malpractice
I said, “Trust me, I'm a doctor” to a kid, then all eyes turned to me. They asked, “Are you really a doctor?” I replied, “No it's just a saying.” Then one boy, without looking up from his work, says, “My daddy pretended to be a doctor...he got in trouble.”
21. Treeing Up the Wrong Bark
A second-grade class was planting a tree for Arbor Day. They do it every year with the help of a landscaper. He lets them each take a shovel and move dirt to the tree, so they all have a part in the actual planting. One kid says matter-of-fact, "I've done this before." All proud of himself. The landscaper nods along and says "Oh, really?" The kid goes "YEA, WHEN WE BURIED MY DOG!" Still with a proud attitude. The landscaper replies "Well, I hope this is more fun." The kid agrees. Not the most revealing conversation a kid would have, but I still got a chuckle from it.
22. The Weight of the World Off Her Hips
"Mommy had to miss my camp recital because she was getting surgery to make her more skinny."
23. A Little Suggestion
I'm not a teacher, but this is actually a story about me which my mother loves to tell people. When I was very young, about 4 years old, a woman cut the queue after my mother and I had been waiting for a good bit of time. It was a doctor's office, so the queue was pretty long. Having been raised with manners, I tapped the lady on the back and said we were meant to be in front of her because we were waiting.
She got snotty with my mother and I got annoyed, telling her that my mother was a smart lady. When she asked how she was so smart, I proudly exclaimed, “She can take her teeth out to brush them!” Nobody talks smack about my momma, not now, not then. Another time, a neighbor was cutting our hedges with my father, to return a favor, and I was around four or so again. I came in and told him that he “made a bollocks of them, Daddy said so.” My parents are so proud of me.
24. Flipping the Bird
I'm a dance teacher, and a little girl once told me she and her family had a pet bird that had recently died. She was very distraught and said, "Daddy was bringing it outside to bury it, and dropped it...and then Mommy accidentally kicked it and it hit a wall." It took everything in my power not to burst out laughing at such a visual.
25. He Got Off On a Technicality
I just got done vaguely learning about drugs and alcohol at school, with my newfound knowledge, I vowed to be drug-free. My dad worked for a Heineken at the time, and I knew that was beer, which I was taught is alcohol, which is a drug. Cue sharing time, we're sitting in a circle talking about what our parents do, I was the first one to start.
I started telling them that my dad worked for a beer company when it dawned on me...my dad was a drug dealer! I started crying and couldn't articulate my words but what I did spit out was "MY DAD SELLS DRUGS." Needless to say, my parents were called to the school and laughs were had all around when they finally got me to calm down enough to explain why I said that.
26. My Mom the Commando
In fourth grade, my mom and teacher were talking about an upcoming class trip, one of those that lasts like three days, and she was asking what she needed to pack for me and he says the usual stuff blah blah. And then my mother decides to try to be funny and say "and lots of underwear, you know how moms love to pack underwear," to which I responded, "but mommy, you don't wear any underwear." My mom practically ran out of there!
27. Let’s Not Play Dress Up
Former Catholic school teacher here. The first-grade teacher at the school I taught at was a nun—Sister Katherine, I believe. She had a particularly naughty little girl in her class one year, prone to tantrums, trouble following directions, hitting others and herself, throwing fits and the like. Apparently, after refusing an instruction given to her and being threatened to call her father, the little girl announced to Sister Katherine with a devilish grin that "My daddy says he'd looOOOoove to see you in a bikini."
28. Opening a Cold One With the Boy
I was babysitting a 2-year-old kid and we were playing restaurant. He ordered a salad, a burger with extra fries, and a beer on a napkin. He's gonna be an awesome adult.
29. Trading on Up
I'm not a teacher, but my aunt got remarried and we all went out to eat. My little cousin has the most country redneck accent you will ever hear, and she yells out "We caant fiiind my daddy anywhere, so I got me a new one!" the entire restaurant was in tears from laughing so hard.
30. Something Blue
I was just at a quickly put together wedding last weekend. The niece was passing out bubbles. She'd say, "Instead of throwing things at the bride, we're going to blow bubbles at her." A friend commented that it wouldn't be very nice to throw the bubbles at the bride, it might give her bruises. The niece replied, "The groom has already given her bruises."
31. I Gave You My Mom’s Number
When my mom took my sister shopping when she was young, she would go up to random strangers and proudly tell them my mom’s age. "Hello. My mom is 39!"
32. Cut Out for the Classroom
I was in fourth grade. The teacher asked, “What do we call the distance all the way around the outside of the circle?” The class began yelling out a bunch of wrong answers. That’s when I yelled “CIRCUMCISION!” And of course, I was the only one who actually raised my hand and got the teacher's attention before answering.
33. Hangovers With Grandma
When I was 4 or 5 years old I went to spend the weekend at my grandmother's house. One thing my grandmother and I did every day was have a "cocktail" (what my grandmother calls grape juice mixed with ginger ale) and lay down for a nap together on the couch. Apparently, I had no idea what a cocktail really was, so the next day when I went to daycare, we were sitting in a circle saying what we did on the weekend. My innocent 4/5-year-old self told the daycare workers that I had a cocktail with my grandmother and then we laid down for a long nap.
34. The Burned Book
Not a teacher...but this daycare that my cousin's daughter used to go to put together this cookbook to sell as a fundraiser. It was all the kids' favorite recipes; not written down and brought from home but in their own words. A bunch of the recipes had steps like "then you put it in the microwave because Mommy doesn't like to use the oven" or "then you play in your room until it's time to eat because Mommy doesn't like to be bothered when her friends are over." They were pretty funny.
35. Thanks for the Character Summary
Not a teacher but my uncle’s son (my cousin) said that "Daddy is unemployed and drinks beer."
36. A Matter of Taste
I'm sure my parents must have hated me as a kid. In school, I was in a head-start/preschool type deal. Somehow, when I told the teachers about my mom’s smoking cigarettes, I got my words mixed up and told them she did drugs. She was not impressed. Then there was the time we had to write a little fact sheet about our family. Including favorite foods. The only food I could at that age recall my father getting excited about was this thing his hunter friend brought to work. It was a type of animal he had never eaten before. Beaver. So as a kid, I told my teachers and my class my father's favorite food was beaver.
37. Girls Night In
My wife's a teacher. One of her students: "My mom's nasty, she sleeps with girls in her bed."
38. When Toys Aren’t for Kids
We were talking about the difference between men and women, men have penises and women don't, blah blah blah. That one boy goes “My mum has a penis too,” and we are going “Oh no sweetie she doesn't,” but he insists, and it starts becoming uncomfortable. After a while he says, “my mum HAS a penis, only it is not attached to her body, she keeps it in the drawer by the bed.” Kid-logic is so precious.
39. A Critical Hit
When I was about 3 or 4 years old, my dad would take me to class with him. He was enrolled in a graduate program in psychology. I'd sit at or under the desks and color. One day, they were discussing spanking. My dad announced to the class, "I don't spank my daughter." From the back of the room, little me sing-songed, "OH YES YOU DO!" The truth is, he had done it a couple of times in my life but did not resort to that as a rule.
40. This Impression Doesn’t Hold Water
My little brother once went to nursery and told his teachers about how his dad acts at home. To demonstrate, he pretended to drink from a bottle, loudly said "glug, glug, glug" then fell over backward. My step-dad isn't at all an alcoholic, and hardly ever drinks, especially not at home.
Pixabay
41. Sharing Is Caring a Lot
Our second-grade teacher had her class say something about their family. One of the little boys described the details of his parents swinging lifestyle with another family in the town who had a few kids of their own. He was blissfully ignorant of exactly what he was describing. Apparently out of the 5 kids total between the families (3 / 2 split) no one is really sure who is whose father. So they all are the other family's “half-brothers and sisters.” After revealing all of this to the class, his “half-sister” who is in the same class says, "You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"
42. Silly Rabbit, Tricks Are for Kids
I was 15 or 16 and teaching the 2- and 3-year-olds at church. It was Easter, and one little boy comes in crying up a storm. Nothing that my friend and I do can console him. About halfway through he stops and just sniffles. At the end when the parents come and pick them up, he sees his dad and starts crying again, telling his dad that he doesn't want anything to do with him. His mom comes and gets him, and my friend and I tell her about her son. She was trying SO HARD not to laugh and told us why. The boy’s dad hit a rabbit on the way to church this morning, and the boy started to cry, thinking it was the Easter Bunny.
Sources: Reddit
