Wild Wedding Objections
When you grow up and start going to actual weddings instead of just watching them on TV and in movies, you quickly realize that nothing really happens at that moment where the officiant asks if anyone has any objections. Okay, maybe it's not that they never occur—because these people shared the wild stories of the rare and shocking moments when they do happen.
1. Objecting Under The Influence
I was sitting in at a friend's wedding. It was very last-minute—he was pressured to marry this girl who thought expired aspirin was an acceptable alternative to birth control. Obviously, he knocked her up just before we graduated high school and she made him marry her. She was completely out of her mind, well beyond normal. Someone HAD to say something. But it was so much more shocking than I expected.
His cousin objected at the wedding with something along the lines of, "Come on man, the witch was using expired aspirin as birth control." Puke then followed from his mouth because he had pre-gamed so hard.
There was applause, and I laughed until I cried.
2. It Be Your Own Blood
I grew up in a super fundamentalist Christian community. My best friend fell in love, but her parents were upset because they wanted to do an arranged marriage for her, so they locked her in the house for months. Finally, I helped her escape and she got married in a very small ceremony. She used to be very close to her brother, so she invited him. That was a HUGE mistake.
He was also angry about her eloping, so he wore all black, including black sunglasses, and stood there looking upset the whole time. We specifically asked the pastor to not do the "Does anyone object"
thing because we didn't want to give anyone the chance. When her brother realized the pastor wasn't going to say it, he tried to stop the wedding anyway.
My brothers had to physically drag him out of the venue. The whole thing was freaking brutal.
3. Taking Out The Trash
My older sister’s wedding was held in Vegas. The groom, who is still my brother-in-law, is a pretty awesome dude. Still, my sister’s biological mother objected at the last moment. It's important to note that the rest of my family DO NOT like this lady or any of this lady's family. Anyway, her biological mother objected and started spewing all of these lies that she used on my sister before to manipulate her into doing what SHE wanted. When she got put in her place, it was so satisfying.
My grandfather, who is 89 now, very scrawny, 6’2”, and an English professor, piped up and said, “I’m 87, but if you don’t shut up right now I’ll put all 87 years of my fist into your face.”
The lady was stunned but she eventually replied in a sarcastic tone, which caused my brother-in-law and me to get up and kick her out of the venue along with the rest of her awful family.
4. That Was Close
I was at the wedding of a work colleague who was actually a good friend as well. Only a couple of work people were invited by her, including a guy we'll call Matt. Matt and the bride had dated for a while a few years ago, and when they broke up, they remained good friends. When the ceremony started, there was no sign of Matt. We got to the "Does anyone object" bit and the church went quiet. Then a sudden sound cut through the room.
The heavy wooden door of the church door banged open and there was Matt, looking red-faced, flustered, and upset. You could see the same thought run through everyone's minds: "Oh my God."
But then, Matt limped awkwardly to a pew in the back and sat down quietly. Turns out, he'd overslept and twisted his ankle running to the church.
That was all—no objection, no drama—but man, we all thought for a second it was going to kick off. Even the bride, who was my friend, saw the funny side of it.
