There's a saying that even the best laid plans go awry. It's especially true of these stories from Redditors, who were totally prepared for things to go one way, only for them to go completely haywire. Anyone who has had this experience can tell you that when it happens, it can range from utterly hilarious to absolutely devastating. From the pain of getting the final word only to fall flat on your face to acts of kindness that totally backfired, these stories are proof that when the universe has it out for you, it can certainly pack a punch.
1. This Way Out
I tried to dramatically leave and slam the door after an argument in a new apartment. I walked into a bedroom...
2. Bug Juice Privileges: Revoked
When I was a kid at summer camp, I once attached some skyrockets to one of those balsa wood gliders. I thought it would be fun, but it was an utter disaster. I tossed it out toward the lake after lighting the rockets and it flew normally for a few seconds until the rockets kicked in. It shot straight up, looped over our heads, and landed right on one of the councilors.
No bug juice for me that night.
3. Feeling Good, Looking Better
After losing some weight and getting over some shyness I decided it was time to put on a black dress, heels and head out. As I walked to my car, a group of guys driving by honked their horns. They all waved and whistled and I thought...wow maybe I am looking great. So naturally, the next thing that happened included me tripping in my new heels and face-planting in front of them.
4. The Deadliest Game
This actually happened to my teacher, she entered an ax-throwing competition and while winding up before throwing, it was behind her head. When she threw it she hit the back of her head with the handle. She knocked herself out and the blade of the ax almost sliced her head.
5. Going Up
I had a triumphant moment where I told off some girl for being a jerk, then I swung around and pressed the up button on the elevator. After five seconds of waiting, I realized she was still behind me, so I considered taking the stairs instead. As I walked towards the stairs, the elevator door opened. I went back to the elevator, red-faced and awkward, and had to stand there for another five seconds until the door closed.
We made eye contact. It was weird.
6. The Great Exploding Toilet
I decided to burn some newspaper outside in a toilet I had just replaced because I didn't want to risk the grass catching on fire. Well, heat caused the toilet to explode, sending burning newspaper everywhere. Then the grass caught on fire.
7. Walk the Walk
My eighth-grade graduation. It was my turn to take the stage to get my diploma. I grabbed it with one hand, shook the principal’s hand with the other, and didn't notice the stairs—I walked right off the side of the stage. I wasn't seriously hurt, but it was super embarrassing.
8. Bullies Never Learn
I tried to shake hands with my bully, thinking it would diffuse the situation. I got punched in the throat.
9. Independence
I had just told off my ex-boyfriend, who had been trying to tell me I had become too dependent on him and wouldn't be able to leave. "Screw that," I said, "I am independent. And I don't need you for anything!" Then I dramatically turned to get into my car and drive off...but I had locked my keys inside. Oh, but it gets worse.
The car was still running. I felt like a complete idiot. He had to call and pay for a locksmith because I had no cash and the dude didn't take cards. I will never forget that grin on his face. Dumbest moment of my life.
10. Good Friends
I had friends at a lunch table who always made fun of this girl who sat by herself. I invited her to our table one day because I felt bad for her. Yup, you can see where this is going. She immediately and 100% replaced me, and they all realized it was even more awesome to make fun of me. Jokes on them, I got to eat lunch with my civics teacher after that.
11. Do It for Her
The first day at my new job was a Friday. I was super pumped. When I got there, I put up pictures in my office, including a huge collage of pictures my girlfriend had made for me. I get lots of compliments over the course of the day while meeting new coworkers cause she's pretty and people were surprised I got the job. Feeling like a million bucks.
Go home for the weekend. My girlfriend breaks up with me. I have to explain the whole next week why I took the photo of my girlfriend down...
12. It’s the Thought That Counts
I offered my seat to an elderly lady on the bus. Turned out she wasn't that old and felt offended, so she screamed at me.
13. The No-Doubter
I hit my first ever home run in high school and I knew when I hit it, it was gone. We always practiced what we'd do if we hit a no-doubter, so in the split second I had to show off, I flip the bat. The bat flips end over end, hits home plate, then straight up in my face. I was unconscious for 15 minutes and since I couldn't run the bases, they called me out.
14. The Cool Guy Squint
My physics teacher told the guys of the class that one of the best ways to look cool in front of a girl is to do the thousand-yard gaze or looking into the distance. He continued to tell us that girls would think "that guy is so deep, so cool, what is he thinking?" Well, I tried that in front of a girl I had a crush on. Her reply shattered my confidence in pieces.
All she said was, "Why are you squinting so hard?"
15. Dirt Bag Disaster
In my first apartment, I had a bag vacuum (as opposed to a canister vacuum), and the bag was full. I had no replacement bags, so I used painter's tape to attach a Walmart bag. I thought I was a frugal genius and patted myself on the back as I switched it on. It didn't work at all. Almost immediately the bag blew right off, and a bunch of dirt blew all over the place, including all the dirt that was stuck in the vacuum, since the previous bag had been so full.
16. Walking Out
I broke up with my girlfriend of three years after a long talk in her room. I was sitting in her desk chair in an awkward position while she was sitting on her bed. After the breakup was done, she was bawling. I went to stand up to walk out, and the second I put any pressure on my legs I immediately collapsed. I guess they fell asleep over the lengthy breakup talk.
We both started hysterically laughing. It definitely lightened the uncomfortable mood. Not one of my finest moments.
17. A Son in Need
I got into a nasty fight with my dad when he was talking down to me and coming across like I couldn't make my own life decisions as an adult. So, I managed some comeback and left the house. I go to get in my car and drive away, and the darn thing broke down a quarter mile from our house on a hill. That's when I had to call him to come and help me.
18. V for Victory
I was running my first marathon and it was grueling. I had my name written on my top, so as I was headed toward the last mile, people were chanting my name, strangers cheering me on, my parents were there...it was euphoric. Until the moment it wasn’t. I crossed the line with tears in my eyes and threw my arms up to yell and cheer.
Instead, I burped/vomited all over myself.
19. Can’t Slither His Way out of This One
I once saw a snake in the grass on my lawn in front of me, so I stopped my lawnmower to try and save its life. I reached down to grab it, and put it in the bush away from my path. In the process, I accidentally snapped its neck.
20. Kickfall
This one time in sixth grade we were playing kickball in gym class. I was, to put it lightly, a huge loser. Well, I was up to kick, I pointed way into the outfield, ran at the ball and tried to kick it realllllly hard. Not only did I completely miss the ball, I farted really loud as my leg fully extended and ripped my pants and underwear down my butt, then I fell right back into a puddle of mud.
Everyone started falling over laughing, even the gym teacher who pitched the ball to me.
21. A Little Haircut
One time I curled my eyelashes and sneezed. I learned how to use fake eyelashes that day.
22. Home, Not So Sweet Home
I invited my elderly mom to come live with us. She was widowed and had some emotional health problems. To make a very long story very short, she began to get paranoid living in our house, and started hating us for “trying to control her.” She moved out, wrote me out of her will entirely, and I never got to see her again.
15 months later, she died.
23. Too Good, Bye
Hired for a position I was overqualified for. Over performed. Asked for a promotion. Fired.
24. It’s Just a Prank, Sir!
For April Fools, I was planning to do an innocent prank by putting an air horn under my teacher’s chair so when he sat down it would trigger it and startle him, but he got too startled and jumped out of his seat, landed on his back and got knocked unconscious.
25. What a Bunch of Garbage!
I went to a summer camp when I was 9 years old. After lunch, I once decided to clean up everyone's trash for them. As I was throwing all the trash away, a counselor saw me and yelled at me for throwing away his soda can. He then told the other counselors and the adults running the camp that I did it with the intention of just throwing his food away.
I cried so much on the car ride home.
26. The Times They Are a-Changin’
A squirrel was somehow stuck in my parents’ fireplace while I was in college. My mom was home by herself, and was freaking out. She tried her best to get it out, but it kept climbing up the chimney every time she got close. When I finally made it home on Friday afternoon after classes, I went to try and help out.
I found the squirrel curled up in the ashes of the fireplace. I grabbed it and put it outside. Since it had been raining, there were puddles all around. The shocked squirrel took two steps outside into a puddle, had what looked like a seizure, and died immediately.
27. A One-Man Open Sleigh
In college during the winter, we had a heavy snowstorm one year. Everyone was walking to class, and I was heading down the outdoor steps to the basement where my class was. A girl was walking in front of me. She slipped and began to fall. Without thinking, I reached my arms under hers to try and prevent her from falling.
In doing so, I slipped and my legs went forward under hers. She landed on top of me, and literally rode me like a sled down the stairs. She then stood up and just walked away. Never helped me up, never said "thank you," never even asked if I was okay. That hurt. Badly.
28. A Warm, Wet Lesson
When I was a kid I took swimming lessons. One day after lessons were done and we went to the locker rooms to change there were some clothes sitting on top of one of the sinks. Me, wanting to show off, decided to push the clothes into the sink and turned on the faucet and soaked the clothes completely. We all had a great laugh.
So I got to my locker to get my clothes and made a horrifying realization. My clothes weren’t in my locker. And then realized that the balled-up pile I clothes I failed to recognize that was now soaking in the sink were actually my clothes. I sat in my wet swimsuit until the locker room was empty and until my dad finally came in and I lied and said someone soaked my clothes.
He went up to the counter and grumped at the workers until they gave him some clothing from the lost and found bin. They included ugly sweats that were so big they went above my head, and I embarrassingly walked through the center and parking lot humiliated by my own actions. I’ve never told my parents who really soaked the clothes.
But it was an excellent lesson for me to learn not to be a jerk and to know exactly what it feels like to be bullied, as I 100% took the brunt of my childhood jerkiness.
29. The Breakup
A few years back I dated a guy who was, to put it simply, a jerk. I decided to finally break up with him. So, I went over to his apartment and since his roommates were home, we went outside to the parking lot to talk. That's where I explained why I was breaking up with him, and the more I talked, the angrier and more passionate I got. I'd imagined saying these things to him for forever, so the words came out eloquent, natural and powerful.
I could see he was feeling guiltier and guiltier, which is exactly what I wanted. Finally, I finished my speech, gave him a moment to say something, then began to walk away when I realized he wasn't going to. I was trying my best to look good as I walked back to my car, but a dip in the ground caused me to trip and I ultimately face-planted into the concrete.
I ended up spending the next hour crying in his apartment bathroom cleaning up my scrapes.
30. Brit in Disguise
I am a pizza delivery driver and I get bored a lot. Sometimes when I'm doing deliveries I like to play this game with myself where I talk in a British accent. So I go up to this house and this super hot girl answers the door. I start talking in my best British accent and she freaks out and talks. Turns out she's British, too, and she asks me where in England I’m from.
The only place I knew in England was London, but I got caught off guard by her question and panicked, so I said Camelot. She looked at me very weird and told me I wasn't British. When I told her about my "game" she looked disgusted. The entire time, she had my tip in her hand; but when she gave it to me, she pulled out a couple of bucks.
31. Sorry I Asked
I was standing outside a bar and heard a woman crying in the parking lot. I walked over towards her and asked if she was okay. Some idiot who was about 40 years older than me came over and told me to leave her alone. I said I was just asking her if she was okay. He then punched me in the head.
32. Falling for You
A man dropped a quarter at Lowe’s, so I went after it for him. The floor was really slick, and I fell right onto my pregnant belly. We were all okay, thankfully, but I was so embarrassed that I ran out to my car and cried. In hindsight, I’m just grateful that it didn’t result in anything worse.
33. Down and Out
I was cycling home, tried to mount a curb, got the angle slightly wrong and flew artlessly over the handlebars, landing painfully in a crumpled heap in front of a crowd of commuters at a bus stop. Most of them guffawed mightily, though one, one asked if I was OK. As nonchalantly as I could, I made light of it—happens all the time, it's no problem, I'm fine, and swung myself back in the saddle. Well, my nightmare wasn’t over.
Failing to notice that the handlebars had turned 180° and the front wheel was a mess of tangled brake cables, I applied a mighty downward shove on the right pedal and promptly fell off again.
34. Super Supportive Boyfriend
I was never into makeup growing up and recently decided to take a crack at it. I ended up shoving all of the makeup I got to the back of my bathroom cabinet because oh my god the results were not good. I asked my significant other, "On a scale of 'swamp hag' to 'passable,' how did this go?" He hesitated, and then said, "Recent corpse."
35. Toy Story
I worked at an arcade prize counter. One time, a summer camp full of kids came rolling in. They had tickets for unlimited games, but they couldn't get any points for the prize counter—which the counselors had failed to tell the kids, so we had to keep explaining it. Some of the poor kids were super excited because they had won a jackpot!
It was equally annoying and heartbreaking. Well, one kid showed up and was devastated. He had been working all day to get enough points for this little clip-on fox plush. He was inconsolable. Finally, I decided to use my own points to get it for him, because I really sympathized with him. I felt like that was a toy that I would have wanted as a little kid, and I would probably have been equally devastated if I couldn't have it.
I was also truly annoyed with the counselors at that point. I gave him the toy and told him not to tell anyone about it. He came back later in tears because the counselor had confiscated the toy. To have the toy in your hands and then have it taken away probably felt even worse than not getting the toy at all. I felt awful.
36. Cause for Celebration
As a teenager having completed my first solo flight in a glider—I was an air cadet and the first solo is a HUGE achievement—I jumped out of my now safely landed glider, raised both my fists in the air and screamed out in joy. Sadly, in Air Cadets flying operations raising both your hands is a signal that you saw something dangerous. As soon as I did it everyone started screaming, "STOP FLIGHTS, STOP FLIGHTS!"
The tow plane on the ground shut its engine down, all gliders were pushed back to their parking spots and I got yelled at for a while.
37. Kidney Failure
A lady in my office donated her kidney to her boss to save his life, only to be fired shortly afterwards. Good luck beating that one, folks!
38. Just… Wow
I was playing kickball. I was pretty drunk and a little boisterous that day. I was up to kick and one of the people on the sidelines was jokingly talking trash. I started backing up slowly to pull my pants down and moon him. Apparently he saw it coming, and as soon as I pulled my pants down he spits right on my butt crack.
One of the grossest feelings ever.
39. Cold-Hearted World
I was shoveling snow from my walkway one winter’s morning. When I finished, I decided to do my next door neighbor’s too, as he was old. I finished it, and then I decided I might as well do the next one, too—just to be nice. As I was finishing that one, my right foot slipped forward and I tried desperately to keep myself from falling.
I slid for about 8 feet, trying to avoid going down. I blew out something in my knee, and it hurt constantly for the next 7 months. Not exactly a disaster, but it definitely sucked.
40. The Contest
In high school, one of my buddies was bragging about how many pull-ups he could do. I asked how many, and because it was high school, people were impressed when he said "Eight." That was a high bar for some reason. Anyhow, I replied that I could probably do more, not really knowing how hard it could be.
This was jeered, booed, and generally mocked. Eventually, a contest was set up in the gym. After he cranked out nine pull-ups, I took my turn. It was tough, but being thin really made it pretty easy. I got to 10, and immediately his girlfriend pulled my pants down. The tighty-whiteys I wore that day had a nice, gaping hole, right above the butt.
The nickname "Whiteys" still sticks with me among those people, to this day.
41. The Squid Defense
Sitting on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle. My pen stopped writing, so I snapped it up and down a couple of times. Ahhhh, the pen works again. The guy beside me starts freaking out and yelling for the stewardess. I look over at him and see a thin line of black ink running from the left shoulder of his crisp, starched white shirt to the right hip of his pants.
I pretended like I had been asleep, and he blamed some random kid across the aisle. The airline gave him a voucher or something to pay for the dry cleaning.
42. Sticks and Stones
It was my freshman year of college, and my then-girlfriend and I were at the end of our relationship. Although neither of us had admitted that we actually broke up, which resulted in many nights of hooking up only to regret it the next day. It was really emotionally damaging for both of us. After getting some attention from a cute girl in my English class, I decided that we should finally end this relationship, or else we'd be stuck in a loop of love and hatred forever.
So, after class, I go to her dorm to talk to her. Her roommate is there with her, so instead of asking her roommate to leave, we go talk in the hall. Now at this point, I think I should mention her dorm was on the second floor of the hall. So, we talk for close to an hour, and finally, I tell her that it’s best if we just finally break it off.
We're both in tears, seeing as we were together throughout most of high school, and here we are ending our first real relationship. In that blurry haze, I turn around to make my descent down the stairs, only to misjudge the height of the first step. So, I go tumbling down the stairs, breaking my arm in the process, resulting in the girl I just broke up with having to drive me halfway across town and waiting with me for three hours in the ER.
Somehow that wasn’t the worst part. How? Not a word was said between us the entire time.
43. Leaving the Nest
When I left home, I pretty much came and got all of my stuff in the middle of the night. The only thing I had left to get from home was my bed. I came back with a few people and my mom was home. She starts screaming at me per usual and for the first time, I screamed back. I unloaded everything on my mind, and it was so liberating.
As I turned to leave the room I tripped over my feet and fell smack into the wall, face first. So anyway, I know what it is like to have clumsiness derail your victory moment.
44. Ladies Man
13 years old and chubby, trying to impress my crush with my muscles. Attempted to single-handedly haul in a canoe from the river. The canoe snagged on a root and I ended up falling off the backside of the dam (about ten feet). Also, tried to impress different crush later that year with my skiing chops on a church retreat.
Went straight down a black instead of winding like you’re supposed to, ended up in the trees with a broken thumb and some fractured ribs. I’m not very good with the ladies.
45. Working Under a Hot Stove
I once tried to catch and relocate a mouse. I didn’t want to hurt it, just to get it out of my house. Long story short, I accidentally dropped the stove on it. It was pretty darn gruesome.
46. Dunking Like Jordan
When I was a sophomore in high school, I was playing in a basketball game. I find myself in the right place, at the right time, and steal the ball. Then I experience an amazing adrenaline rush as I charge to the basket uncontested. Finally, I leave the ground, everything goes silent. Engage slow-motion epic life moment.
I soar through the air like something from an old Jordan poster. I commence the most life-fulfilling epic tomahawk-dunk ever imagined by a 15-year old. Real-time re-engages, as does physics. I land uncontrollably, and completely slam into a pack of cheerleaders standing just out of bounds. Four cheerleaders went down. Two cried.
So much for my moment of glory.
47. Fire Hazard
Ok, I got this one. When I was a leader in training (LIT) at my beloved summer camp, itching to prove myself but still a dumb impulsive kid, I also liked fire. We were on a day trip and the site had a 30-degree rock face that was hidden from the site itself. So I went to the top with a "friend" and a can of naphtha (highly flammable).
These rocks are pitted, so I decided it would be an awesome idea to fill one and light it on fire. I was facing uphill and didn't notice that when I filled the little pit, it overflowed and ran down between my legs. So I light it, it immediately flares up down the hill, through my legs. I jumped out of the way but ended up knocking the can into the blaze.
It bounced down the rock face, spraying burning naphtha everywhere. It landed on the lake at the bottom and leaked burning fuel all over the small inlet. I turn around and my friend had run, so I ended up putting out 50 percent just stamping in my sandals, they brought in and emptied 2 fire extinguishers on it all because the main camp was close by.
Somehow didn't get sent home, and had an awesome counselor career...
48. The Competition Swimmer
I was a competitive swimmer, and one summer I got a job as an ocean lifeguard, even though I was small and skinny. During the first week of the job, the guards learned my name and wanted to see how fast I actually was. So, one morning for workouts, some of the guards told me to race to the buoy a few hundred meters out. In my head, I was thinking—no sweat, I'll just sprint to the buoy and show them all that my speed makes up for my size.
So, to show off my competition swimming prowess, I ran from the beach and dived into the cold ocean water. Except, the beach shore isn't like a swimming pool, and it's shallower than it looks, so I ended up face-planting into the salty, wet sand, in front of all the guards. It was a painful swim too...I had sand cuts all across my face, and the salt didn't help much.
49. A Real Maverick
I was tree planting, and we had a contract that required being transported on a helicopter. I had never been on a helicopter before. Helicopters are ridiculously expensive (ours was $1,600/hour), so it is all about efficiency: you want to get on and off as fast as possible. For my first ride, I got assigned to shotgun.
Riding in this seat, you have the responsibility to coordinate the loading/unloading of the helicopter. So the helicopter pulls up, and I run to it squatted as low as I can possibly get, and am throwing all the military hand signals around to get us loaded up. It goes well, we take our ride, land. I get out and start throwing all of the military hand signals around to get our crew out as fast as possible.
Then I start running away from the helicopter squatted as low as I can possibly get. In reality, I didn't need to use hand signals. But it looked cool. And in reality, I only had to duck my head—but squatting real low was what they did in all the cool movies. So I'm running really low, using my left hand to throw signals telling my crew to hurry up.
I look really cool. In my right hand is a gallon jug of water. The handle on the water jug breaks off, and the bottle falls out of my hand. Largely because I am squatted low and waving my left hand madly, this sudden change in weight I am carrying causes me to lose my balance and face plant. Unfortunately, we were going down a hill.
I rolled about 50 feet and landed in a thorn bush.
50. Taken for a Ride
I flagged someone down on the highway who was driving with a flat tire. We both pulled over, and they explained that they didn't have a spare. I offered to drive them to the closest convenience store and back for a can of fix-a-flat. Not only did they ride in my car silently, offering no thanks at any point, but they also stole my wallet out of my console when I wasn't looking.
51. Rubbing it In
My ex was a bartender at my local watering hole. She had recently dumped me for some loser. I wasn't going to stop going to the bar just because she was working, heck, I was a regular before she started working there. Her new boyfriend was always around when she was working, so I decided to bring in my new girl who was much better looking than my ex.
The plan was to have my ex serve us drinks all night knowing it would tick her off. After all, screw her, she started seeing someone else before breaking it off with me. She was obviously agitated all night, until one horrible moment. The moment when my new girl throws up right there on the bar. Not from alcohol, she wasn't a heavy drinker. I attribute it to the questionable pub food.
Nevertheless...we walked out with my head hung low.
52. Hanger Pain
Many years ago tried that lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup liquid diet with a co-worker. It was a half bet, half diet thing. The first few days were ok. Day four I was drinking so much extra water to keep my stomach full I thought about just setting up a standing desk in front of a urinal. Day five, I was hangry but didn't know it, though my team sure as hell did.
The bet was for a month, at about the two-week point my team bought me lunch and paid me out the bet.
53. Forget Me Not
A couple of years after university, I came back to my home city for a visit. I had been living abroad. I got some old friends together for a reunion, and to my surprise, a girl I crushed on throughout high school and university was there and looking smoking hot. So, all night I go about putting the moves on her and it is working well.
She agrees to take me back to her place. In the cab on the way home, I tell her I had a crush on her for years and did not understand how we had not managed to get together before. She then comes back with: "We hooked up in university after junior year...It was during a Halloween party on the steps inside your fraternity house."
After seeing the look of disbelief on my face the next line was, "You don't remember do you." At this point, it was coming back to me, but alas, the damage was done. I was swiftly booted from the cab. I haven’t seen her since.
54. Wardrobe Malfunction
When I was in high school, there was this guy who I thought was ridiculously cool and I, therefore, tried to catch his attention. I am not now nor have I ever been the type of chick to wear a skirt, but I thought I would give it a whirl so this guy could see me a little more of my skin. One morning I set my trap with this totally cool skirt, and I was feeling all awesome and sexy.
When I walked by him, though, I heard him and his friends burst out into hysterical laughter. I kept walking until I rounded the corner, whereupon I discovered the reason for their laughs. Not being a skirt wearer, I did not understand the physics of butt and backpack interactions—so my loose, short skirt shimmied up along my butt with each "heck yeah" bouncy step I took.
My dorky freshman butt and granny panties were hanging out for all to see. Freaking skirts.
55. It’s All About the Attitude
I was once on a flight and drank a cup of coffee. When done, I couldn’t find a place to put the cup. I don’t remember why, but for some reason the tray table was not an option. I eventually conceded and just held onto the cup. After a little while, an older gentleman who was seated next to me tapped my arm and happily took my cup.
A few minutes later, the remnants of my coffee spilled on his white dress shirt. I have felt bad about it ever since.
56. Read All About It
After scoring against the other team during a high school basketball game to take the lead, I was jigging merrily backward towards our cheering section when a teammate ran out to high-five me but accidentally clipped my heel while I was midair, mid-skip and thoroughly off-balance. I performed a sort of wonky front-flip and landed in an oddly suggestive sprawl as my teammate, carried forward by momentum, tripped over me in turn and joined me on the parquet.
Worse still, the game story ran in the local newspaper with an unfortunate headline image which showed me throwing a successful head-fake, the result of which was a defender mounting my crouched, grimacing self, loins pressed firmly to the back of my head. The story may have mentioned that I was the league's leading scorer that season, but, perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the chatter at school the next day centered on my front-page tea bagging.
57. Avoiding Good Luck
It was our lunch break in high school and it was coming towards the end so everyone was finishing their food, it was a hot day so most people ate outside. Like always, the seagulls were swarming the place so a lot of people were very cautious because no one wanted to be pooped on. Me and a load of friends were all kind of just huddled together in a circle, having a bit of banter as the young teenagers do.
I kept looking up because of all the seagulls right and I see that one has taken a crap right above me, it was quite high up so I had time to react. I decided to get everyone's attention, and then took a step back and stood there looking all smug. The plan was to have the crap land in front of me directly where I was standing.
It backfired when the bird crap went all over my head, bag, and uniform while everyone was watching me.
58. The Speed Walker
I was on my way to a major job interview at a big media company and I was super nervous. As I got out of the car, I tried to psych myself up so I would exude confidence. I walked toward the building and reminded myself to stand up straight, walk tall, smile and look smart. I was almost late, so I walked a bit faster.
In the process of being straight and tall and fast, the heel of one shoe got caught in a sidewalk crack and I went down, hitting the pavement hard. I scraped the heck out of my hands and my wrist hurt terribly, but my suit wasn't torn so I continued on. When I entered the building, I ducked into the restroom before the interview to pick the gravel out of my palms.
I had to shake hands with six different people and it stung like crazy each time, but I just tried to smile and stay confident. The next day, I had to go to the doc and get x-rays and a brace for my slightly fractured wrist. I did get the job though.
59. Generosity Backfires
Gave a one-eyed homeless guy $5. He wandered off, apparently telling other homeless guys his good fortune. Homeless guys began melting out of the scenery asking for their $5. I realized my mistake at that point and stopped being generous. They apparently turned their anger on their friend. They attacked him for his $5.
60. Comeuppance Received
We had this one friend, "Mary-Ann", that would just be a general jerk to everyone for no reason. You know the type—insecure, domineering, sports champ, no tact or inhibitions whatsoever. She would choose a different girl to pick on every week, and this week it was my friend "Haz." Mary-Ann was going on about how Haz would probably never get a boyfriend until she lost weight and grew her hair and got "less ugly"—you know, really constructive, friendly advice.
Haz lost it, which was brilliant. We all wanted to see Mary-Ann get her comeuppance. Haz stood up and just let rip about how she was a spoiled little brat and she couldn't just say whatever she wanted and none of us like her anyway, so just screw off, Mary Ann!! Haz, red in the face, swiped her bag off the table and went to march out, promptly tripping on a chair and falling flat on her face.
There was a horrible slapping sound as skin hit hardwood. She was literally sprawled out in front of about 70 kids, who naturally erupted into laughter, Mary-Ann included. To her credit, she managed a weak chuckle; she knew she had to laugh at herself. I got up, grabbed her and pulled her out by her arm, and then spent the next hour consoling her in the girls' room.
We are still best friends and she is newly engaged; happy ending.
61. Proudly Naïve
Fourth grade, been reading some pretty advanced sixth-grade books. I thought I was the coolest. In front of many people had a debate with my teacher where I was teaching a classmate about something—she commented at the end of the conversation about how “You're pretty good at this huh?” Out of all the new words I learned, I chose the one that I understood the least but thought the pronunciation was the coolest.
I said, "No, I’m naïve." The classmate that I was lecturing, of all people, knew that word of all words and immediately said, "I don't think you know what that means" The teacher started laughing. I learned about all sorts of humility that day.
62. Caught on Tape
At a track meet in high school, I cleared my highest pole vault ever in a state meet, then jumped up and down happy to have achieved it. My teammate tapped me on the shoulder to point out that my willy was flopping out of my shorts. All caught on tape.
63. Ballsy Backfire
I was quite bored one day, so I took a large stick and began acting like it was a lightsaber—this was when I was like 12 years old. Basically, as I was playing around with it, my brother grabbed a stick and joined in. We were fighting with them for a bit when I decided to hit him in the balls because he kicked a ball into my face earlier in the week.
So I thrust the stick at his balls. There was a brick wall directly behind him, and I missed. The stick hit the wall and it jutted back and hit me in the balls.
64. Dominoes
Being a nerdy and shy kid in high school, I was never in the “popular” crowd or classified as one of the pretty girls. The school was having a charity fashion show, hosted by a locally based amateur modeling agency. I was approached and asked to be a catwalk model. I eagerly said yes. The night of the show came, I worked that catwalk like a pro, until the final outfit.
All 12 of us wore the same top and jeans, and walked around in a line. I was right at the back. I tripped and fell onto the girl in front of me, who fell onto the girl in front of her, and so on, like dominoes. When I stood up, I got a round of applause, and all the other girls just sat and laughed at me. I was so embarrassed.
I did take a bow though.
65. Passing the Test
I had just passed my driving test, and I excitedly went straight out to the car to tear down my learner plates. Then I managed to stall the car three times pulling out of the test center parking lot. During this painful procedure, a woman in the car opposite me just watched and laughed. Eventually, I managed to traverse my way out and sped off down the road blushing horrendously in the process.
66. Jumping the Fire
Last summer, I ran a five-kilometer (roughly three-mile) obstacle course called the Spartan Race. It was held at a ski resort in the summer, at the end of June. I'd signed up for this race as a stepping stone in my weight loss journey and trained really hard for it, so I was really glad to be running that day.
The very last obstacle was a fire pit you had to leap over before you could get to the finish line. I psyched myself up, ran forward, leaped in the air... and somehow twisted my ankle when I pushed off the ground. I managed to land awkwardly and hobble/stumbled my way to the finish line in tears. There was a sports photography company there that day, snapping photos of everyone on the course.
You could look up your "jumping the fire" photo using your bib number on their website. Mine wasn't there... probably because of the agony on my face.
67. Material Girl No-More
I was 18 years old, fresh out of high school, and driving my brand-new graduation gift Mustang around town. Dad sent me to the local hardware store. I was supposed to get something for him and I was more than happy to oblige. I knew what I was doing. I pulled right up to the front of the store in my shiny red car, got out and could feel all the teenage boys who worked in the store watch me walk in. I sauntered to the counter and said, "I need a such-and-such. Can you help me find it?"
I was helped out by two or three boys who helped me find what I needed. I was followed by them all back to the counter at the front of the store to pay for it, where I smiled sweetly and said to them, "Thanks so much for your help!" I may or may not have batted my eyes a little. Then I turned around to leave the store...and walked smack into a plate-glass window.
Everyone in the store let out an audible, "OOOOOOOH!" and those sweet, helpful boys just laughed and laughed. I knew then and there that I would never be that kind of girl again. God was watching me, all full of myself, and said, "You need a little humility. Here. Let me show you." Lesson learned.
68. Growing Pains
I was 16 years old, and walking through the mall looking cool. I had some kind of drink with a straw and was leaving to go outside when a group of girls my age walks in through the mall entrance. They look at me as I casually bring my drink up for a sip. That was the moment when the straw stabbed me in the eye.
But it gets worse. I keep walking to get outside and push on what I thought was the door, but was instead the window beside the door and walk right into it, crushing my drink into my chest and getting soaked. I heard some laughter and left; never turning back.
69. Hitting a Wall-et
A woman dropped her wallet in front of me while walking down Broad Street in Philly. I ran fast and caught up with her just in time to return it before she got away. She then accused me of not only taking her wallet, but taking the money that was supposedly in it. It was a good day.
70. The Rink Wink
I was at a skating rink at a party on Halloween. I skated past a pretty lady who was sitting at a table and I tapped her shoulder as a cruised past. Then, I turned my head as I was 10 feet past and gave her a wink. She smiled and winked back, and I promptly faceplanted and got a bloody nose—having to skate back near her table to get to the restroom and clean up.
71. Ambulance Chasers
I’m a bus driver. I once came across a guy having a seizure on the side of the road in a small town. It looked like he had fallen down and broken his glasses. He also had some blood running down the side of his head. So, I called an ambulance for him because I didn't know what else to do. I would live to regret this action.
The next day, a lady at one of my regular stops came up to me angrily and said, "Why did you call so-and-so that ambulance yesterday? Now he has to pay for it! He's a tough guy , he would have been perfectly fine without it! This happens to him all the time!" It was mid-winter, and some random guy was twitching on the street.
What the heck was I supposed to do? Just keep driving?
72. Better Luck Next Time
I was a young lad, about eight or nine I think, and I was at the local park riding my bike around. There was a big hill next to the basketball court that you could catch some pretty sweet speed going down. This girl I knew came to the park with her mom to play around and after a while, they sat down at the bench to relax.
I was the focal point of their field of view, so I decided there was no better time to show off my sweet biking skills. I pedal to the top of the hill and start to ride down. Thinking I'd ramp up the difficulty level I start to pedal pretty quickly down the hill. There was a little lip at the bottom of the hill just before the basketball court, so with enough speed, I figured I could show this little lady what sweet air really looks like in person.
I hit the dirt lip and went over the handlebars with all the grace of a paraplegic trying to do the high jump. I face-planted on the concrete basketball court and had some nice gashes on my face. She and her mom gasp and proceed to walk over to check on me. I got onto my bike as fast as I could and choked out an "I'm ok, no big deal."
All the while trying to swallow back the tears of pain and shame. I rode off until I was out of earshot and let the crying commence in earnest. It's always served as a life lesson in how not to act cool in front of the ladies.
73. Getting Hitched
On a rainy day, I once gave a ride to a hitchhiker near campus who looked like a typical university student. I normally don't pick up hitchhikers, but it was hard to ignore him standing there in the pouring rain. I drove beyond where I was headed to get him to his stated destination—a place that was pretty darn far off the beaten path.
But then he would not get out of the car. He just kept staring at me and telling me that he was "lonely and needed someone to be with." I finally told him that we were heading to the police station if he didn't get out, and that did the trick. If that hadn't worked, we probably would have come to blows, because I could see that he was building up to something.
74. Bad Chemistry
It was the end of the semester and we were cleaning out our drawers in our chemistry lab. We had all of our glass pieces out to be inventoried; we would have to pay for anything missing. The girl across the lab table from me had been a total jerk all semester. I discovered I was missing a piece and it just so happened that the piece was in her collection, very near to my collection. She'd slid it over into her stuff, obviously.
I suck at confrontation, but I'd had it with her and let out all my anger and called her a thief. She denied it of course, but I didn't back down and finally, she just gave it to me and let me win the argument. HA! Then I discovered my piece in the back of my drawer... I took a deep breath, apologized, and gave her piece back.
Of course, she wasn't gracious, but she didn't have to be. I was wrong. I stood up for myself, won a heated argument, and discovered I was the jerk.
75. Self-Scan Screw-up
I was running low on condoms, so I decided to sneak a box in my basket under the groceries because the supermarket had self-checkout registers and I'm still freaking embarrassed to buy condoms. Totally backfired. I scanned the condom and threw it in the bag in a split second, this lady (I'm assuming the store manager) got suspicious and walked up to me and asked me if I'm sure I scanned everything, then mentioned "the yellow box."
I remained calm, pointed out the item on the screen, and all of a sudden all her professionalism went away and a stupid smirk appeared on her face. Then she just had to crack a joke in front of all other customers. She said, "Do you know how to use them?" and laughed while walking away. Jerk.
76. By Design
A couple of years ago, as a favor to a friend, I redesigned his small business's website for free. Granted, I'm not an awesome designer, but it was a massive improvement. I took them from practically GeoCities to a decent WordPress site. Nobody once said thank you. Then, a couple of weeks ago, they found a new web guy to redo their site.
My friend invited me to a meeting to look at the mockups and tell them what I thought. For half of the meeting, staff members just trashed the old design and complained about how "awful and tacky" it was. Apparently, my "friend" never told anyone that I was the guy who had made it.
77. The Finish Line
I discovered that I could run in my second last year of high school, after being athletically embarrassing my entire life. Like, really run. Faster than anyone in my class. It was a dream come true. At my school athletics tournament, I came first in every race. So, I qualified to run in our regional tournament. Again, I was over the moon.
Fast forward to the regional tournament 200m sprint. I'm at my starting line pumping more adrenaline than should be humanly possible. My classmates are cheering my name from the stand. I can barely breathe. BANG. I'm off. I feel that I'm doing well and I had that sensation you get when you literally cannot throw your legs any faster.
Then I round the bend and watch my competitors fade from my peripheral vision. I'm on the straight now. My heart is pounding. There isn't a competitor to my left or right. I'm coming first! I was the fastest in the region! I decided not to take any chances and dropped my head, staying focused on remaining in my lane and waiting for my finishing line. That line that would bring me so much popularity and fulfillment.
There it was. I threw myself across the finish line and walked onwards in exhaustion, but pride at my success. Then an event organizer walks up to me and hands me my banner. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Third?! How could I come THIRD?! I look behind me. Oh yeah. I had stopped at the wrong line...and then walked across the finish line. Which would explain the gasps of shock from my classmates.
Next year I was back to my slowpoke ways and I never had a chance to redeem myself.
78. Driving Dirty
I was 14 at the time. I got involved in a school play because of this girl I really liked. So about a week or so before the play a whole bunch of us got together at a friend’s house for a quick rehearsal, and of course, she was there too. We got organized and stuff however a car was parked in the garage, where we wanted to rehearse, so the owner of the house asked if someone could back it up.
I wanted to impress the girl so I said I would do it, my friend tossed me the car keys, I catch them without even looking at them. I had my eyes fixed on the girl. From there, it all went downhill. I had never ever even started a car before in my life; as soon as I closed the door I panicked, but still thought to myself: screw it, I’m going to go through with this.
So I grab the headrest of the passenger side, turn my head toward the back of the car, start the car, hit the clutch and floor it, I didn’t even check to see the gear (it was a stick) when all of the sudden I’m jerked forward. About three seconds into it, I hit a tree, panic even more and press the accelerator even harder and hit the tree again, and again, until it somehow it finally stopped.
I got out of the car still trying to look like I had it all under control, that was, until I threw up. The BMW was dented and still in the same freaking place it was parked to begin with. Oh God, I started to sweat with every word I typed. Needless to say, I never got the girl.
79. Does Not Compute
I built a computer for a coworker. She was talking about how she was going to buy one for like $1,000, and I said I could just build it for half the price. Well, besides things going to heck during the building process and not getting any money from her to cover the expenses, I ended up having to give her free tech support for years.
Any time that anything went wrong, it was presumably because I built it incorrectly, and it would have been better for her to have just bought one. Lesson learned.
80. Food Fight
In high school, I sat at a table with my friends from theater arts which happened to be next to a table full of jocks who loved to throw things at us. Usually, we ignored it, but one day they threw a carton of milk that hit my friend in the head. She started to tear up, so without thinking, I flung my entire tray of food like a frisbee and it smacked the guy right in the face with such force that even I couldn't believe it.
As my table rejoiced and I felt pretty good about standing up for my friend, one of the guys from the table told on me and I was taken to the principal’s office as the jocks laughed and made fun of me. And people think the geeks are usually the snitches...
81. Seeing Stars
This happened when I had just started ninth grade and was crippingly shy. A new school meant new faces, but also new opportunities to change how people saw me. A few weeks into classes, we got a new student in my algebra class. She was an adorable girl, with long dark hair, a slight Southern accent, and gave off a sense of shyness/humility.
The first day she came in she was pretty quiet and didn't seem terribly comfortable after being introduced to the class. I knew how awkward I would be if I were in her position, so I decided to man up and change my hermit-like ways. After class, I caught up to her and tried to put on the impression of the smoothest, sweetest, guy that you can imagine.
I asked which class she was going next and she said she didn't know. I looked at her schedule, lied, and said it was right by my next one just so I could make a good impression and help her out. She smiled and thanked me, and right then I realized I hadn't even introduced myself. I reached out my hand and said, "By the way, by name is—" That’s when it happened.
Right as she shook my hand I walked straight into a wooden post. I saw stars for a second, but luckily, I didn't fall over. From that point, the impression was gone. I tried to keep speaking smoothly, but I kept stuttering out of embarrassment/anxiety, and shuffled the rest of the way to her next class. So, there you go.
Fortunately, it wasn't all for nothing. We became friends, developed crushes on each other, and stayed in contact. We never dated, but it was alright.
82. When Tragedy Strikes
My high school's soccer coach was a good guy. He cared about his players and always did his best at coaching them. One night after a game, he and his players and a few of their parents went out to dinner to celebrate the win. As one of the moms went to leave, the coach offered to walk her to her car, and she accepted gratefully.
In the parking lot, the woman's ex-husband had secretly been stalking her. When he saw the coach with her, he became furious. Before the coach even had a chance to explain, the ex gave him one good punch in the head. The coach died. It was truly awful.
83. The High-Five
I played as a pitcher on an all-girls softball team. We had just won the last playoff game. I caught the ball that was hit by the other team's pitcher! They made us line up and walk across home plate as the head coach (my dad) handed us out our championship trophies. I decided to jump up, give my dad a high-five, and grab my trophy.
Instead, I fell on my butt in front of everyone. The worst part? The popular kid from my junior high was announcing our names on the PA system, and before he even called my name he started to laugh. I almost died.
84. The Worst Regret
I was in an extremely weird and once-in-a-lifetime kind of car accident where I was supposed to be not at fault. I really don't want to go into detail, but another car hit me going twice the speed limit, sending us both rolling down into a ditch. I got out through the windshield since it was shattered and was able to cut the airbag.
The other car was in much worse shape and was on fire. I ran up to see if the driver was okay, and my blood ran cold. She was falling in and out of consciousness. Her car was upside down and the roof was caved in pressing her into the seat. The seatbelt was tight around her and her airbag wasn't deflating. I struggled with the door and was able to get her out as the fire spread onto her.
I remember passing out a little after I was able to put out the fire on her legs. I woke up in the ambulance with a broken leg and a concussion. The EMTs said I was only able to save her because of all the adrenaline coursing through my system. The police that wrote the report found her at fault and said I was a hero, but no good deed goes unpunished.
She had first degree burns on her legs and face and had super cheap insurance. She ended up suing me and dragging me into a four-year legal process that not only cost my insurance thousands but had me spending money on legal fees and lost wages from constantly having to go to court. It was finally settled because somehow all she needed was to prove I was at least 1% at fault and my insurance folded.
She was awarded my full liability ($200,000.00) plus $25,000 that I'm on the hook for personally. I was barely able to get my totaled car paid off and whatever was left in my pocket for a new car had to go directly to her. It's been six years since the accident and I still owe about $12,000 but I’m trying to avoid paying that.
The last time I talked to my attorney after she was awarded damages he said something that I’ll always think back on and wish I could have changed my actions. He said if he was in my shoes and knew the outcome he would have left her in there to burn.
85. I Get a Kick out of You
I kicked a ball for my dog to chase. She lunged for the ball at the exact same time that I was kicking. I kicked her in the face.
86. The Thing
In my early 20s, I went on a date with a HOT guy who had been a year behind me in school. We met for lunch on a workday. I was charming, hilarious, having a good hair day, etc. We part ways and I'm patting myself on the back for how I rocked that one. I took a look at myself in the rear-view mirror before driving away—you know, to give myself a congratulatory wink—when I make a horrifying discovery.
I see I have the biggest, greenest THING in my teeth known to mankind. Sigh. I never heard from him again. He probably sucked though...
87. Delayed Reaction
I was in the parking lot of a store once when a lady dropped a bunch of stuff off her cart. She was having trouble picking up a box of bulk items. I told her that I would help her and we both picked the box up and put it in the trunk of her car. I still don’t really understand what happened next. She sprayed me with pepper spray and screamed.
I was left confused at why I was attacked as she almost ran me over driving out of there.
88. Life Is a Carnival
I was watching some people playing a carnival game one time. The game involved everyone sitting down and throwing ping pong balls into holes to make their avatars race. All of a sudden, I looked down and saw a $50 note falling to the ground. It must have fallen out of one of the player's pockets. So I picked it up, nudged a young teen, and asked him if he had dropped it.
He took it, had a quick word with his friends, and then hurried away. I then looked up to see the lady in the seat next to where he had been, with a concerned look on her face. Her family members started looking towards the ground. I put two and two together and realized that I had given the money to the wrong person.
89. Blood and Fury
I had found out my girlfriend of two years had been cheating on me with a friend. So, I decided that that was that, and drove over to her house to collect my things and tell her what I thought of her. After getting the few things I had there, I started telling her off, and all of the sudden blood started pouring from my nose.
At first, I thought I was having a brain hemorrhage because of the anger, but it turned out to be from the dry December air. So, I drove home, furious and bloody, and completely embarrassed.
90. The Exit
I worked in a call center as a floor manager. One of the agents on a different team was always complaining and plainly hated her job. She was a terrible employee who was always late but wouldn't quit because she wanted to be able to collect her unemployment. I was outside on a 10-minute cigarette break when I saw the woman come storming out of the front doors.
She had a look of triumph on her face, so I asked her if she finally got fired. She replied with a loud yes and turned around, faced the doors, flipped the bird and yelled screw you at the top of her lungs to the building. Upon turning around, she walked right into the flag pole, busting her nose and bleeding all over the place.
Most people watched in horror as she gushed blood. I stood there and laughed...
91. Stuck the Landing
I was cycling home after a long bike ride. I was going about 30 miles an hour and was coming to my driveway which then had a large pothole at one point at the base. As luck would have it, I pulled into my driveway still going about 25 miles per hour. I flew into the air and about two seconds later, I landed with my front wheel in a flower bed and my other wheel on the other side of the fence and back near the road.
My bike is in one piece, I'm in one piece, and my friend is freaking out about how cool it was. I jump off laughing; saying I would do it again if I could, and begin to pull my bike out. Unfortunately, I neglected to notice the back wheel was starting to enter the road. About 15 seconds later, a car comes around and at the last second, I notice and jump out of the way—but my poor bike. She didn’t make it.
92. What Goes Up
I was in fifth grade, and the school I went to was across the street from a golf course, so golf balls would end up on the playground. Teachers would try to collect all of them so students wouldn't hurt each other with them. I was standing with friends at the baseball diamond when a couple of bullies walked by and said something smart.
I forget what it was and what I replied with, but I had an amazing comeback and they started to walk away. As a show of victory, I tossed one of the golf balls I had found up in the air and yelled, "See ya!" As they turned around to glare at us, the golf ball came down and hit me in the head.
93. The Compliment
I was once riding my bike down the road, during rush hour traffic. I hopped up on the sidewalk until I could turn on a side street because the traffic was so crazy. There was a really hot guy walking toward me on the sidewalk. He stepped off into the grass while complimenting the tattoo on my chest. I beamed, said thanks, and rode on—only to wipe out five seconds later because some construction debris got caught in my front wheel.
It was the worst case of road rash I've ever had. I picked up my bike, bleeding all down my left side, and limped into a dark alley to cry myself to sleep.
94. The Crush
I'd had a crush on my friend for a while. She was pretty, sweet, funny, etc. Anyway, I finally got up the nerve to ask her out. We went to the movies, laughed our butts off and ended up back at her place as I was dropping her off. I leaned in and kissed her. After pulling away, she bit her lip then said, "Maybe we should go out again sometime."
I nodded, agreeing that it was a great idea. Then I turned to walk away, trying to look cute and not like I was freaking out because of the awesomeness inside, playing it cool. Well, I wasn’t really paying attention. What a mistake. I walked right into my car. Caused a pretty bad nose bleed and had to get brought back into her place with blood all over me.
Not my best moment, but the relationship lasted three years!
95. Hold Your Tongue
I'm part of a classical sword combat and historical reenactment club at my school. One day during a one-on-one spar between a friend and I, which went on for quite some time, I had my blade wrenched from my hands thrown off the edge of a balcony. This doesn't count as a defeat until I surrender or he makes contact, so I reached up with the intent of disarming him with a hold on his sword-arm, but he dodged and instead my hand went straight into his mouth and I grabbed his tongue.
I won the fight, but it was really awkward.
96. Epic Landing
Years ago, I was going with a friend of mine to pick up his small fishing boat that had been in for repairs. We were on an island in northern Washington, and the boat was on another island. At the time I worked for a local air tour company and asked our pilot if it would be possible to hitch a ride on an aircraft of some kind, which would cut the two-hour trip down to about ten minutes.
He not only volunteered but offered to just drop us off at the beach next to the marina. Sweet. So, we come in low over the water, do a quick orbit of the marina, and touch down on the beach just long enough for my friend and I to jump out. It was pretty much a pure epic moment, witnessed by everyone on the docks.
We then proceeded to maneuver our way over to his boat and take off, with the transmission completely self-destructing less than a hundred yards from the dock. We had to return to the marina with the engine at idle and in reverse, and spend the next three hours working on it. Eventually, we gave up, hitchhiked to the ferry landing, and went home.
97. Redlight
We had a terrible coworker. He was fired after being written up for being tardy three times in 30 days. I was out with the boss in the parking lot on lunch while HR went through the termination process with him. When he walked out, he saw us standing there, jumped into his convertible, pulled up to where we stood, flipped off the boss screaming some choice words, then floored it toward the exit of the lot.
The exit was only about 10 feet away and was blocked by traffic waiting on a red light. So, we stood there and laughed at him for a good 30 seconds while he waited for the light to change and traffic to get out of the way. He didn't say anything. He must have been so mad and embarrassed.
98. Long Time No See
My ex had moved back into our small town after breaking up with her new boyfriend (my ex-roommate). I never avoided her, but I was lucky enough to not lay eyes on her for over a year when I heard she was moving again. That day, as she was walking to her car for the last time to pull out of town, we locked eyes as I came out of a coffee shop.
Holding her gaze, I take one step towards her, inexplicably failing to notice the signboard on the sidewalk, right in front of me. Coffee flies. I fly. From my newly acquired position of moral authority—half on the sidewalk, half in the gutter—I firmly, calmly, say, “Hello. Heard you were in town.” She replies, “You're lying in dog poo” and rides off into the sunset.
99. Drive-thru Drive-by
I worked at McDonald's when I was in high school and finally got a better job, with better hours, closer to home after a couple of years there. When I quit, I was annoyed to learn that they wanted my greasy threadbare uniform polo and pants back after I was done. See, I didn't want them, but it seemed cheap and sort of insulting—they were just going to throw them away, same as I would, but they were going to require an extra trip back there for me to do it? No, I don't think so. Screw them.
Keep in mind I was 16 at the time, and apply "I'm such a rebellious free thinker" teenage arrogance to the situation. What happened next makes more sense that way. So, on my last day, I went out to my car, stripped down to my boxers, went through the drive-thru, and threw my wadded-up uniform at the woman working the window.
That's when told her to give them to the owner. The look on her face was priceless. I drove off, music blaring, feeling ridiculously happy and proud of what I had just done, and happened to run into a friend of mine who was also cruising around. I explained why I wasn't wearing a shirt or pants, he laughed and said we should go get something to eat.
Sure, no problem, I'll just change into the clothes I brought, grab my wallet, and...Ah, crud. That’s right. My wallet was still in the pocket of the pants I'd thrown in the drive-thru window. I had to slink back in, sheepishly ask someone to search through the trash for me to find my pants and find my wallet. They did.
I didn't go back to that McDonald's for years.
100. Cat-like Reflexes
After a lot of beating around the bush, I finally convinced a cute girl to go on a date with me. It was, however, the dead of winter, so when she arrived at my apartment, we mutually agreed to hang out on my couch, watch a little TV and enjoy a couple of beers to insulate ourselves from the onslaught of cold we'd have to endure to go anywhere that wasn't my apartment.
After a couple of beers and a couple of episodes of Scrubs, we decide we're ready to brave the cold, and we make it exactly one step out of my building before we decide that it is entirely too cold for the walk to the restaurant we had originally planned on eating at, so she asks if maybe we could just get a burrito at the shop I managed—which was nice convenient, one block away, and then maybe we could stay in and play video games.
Score. I love this plan. I love this plan so much I want to dump the girl making it so I can marry this plan. We pop our heads into my workplace, get enormous burritos and drinks for a hugely discounted price, and then trudge back to my apartment. As we're on the walkway up to my building, I shift my burrito into my right hand so that I can rummage through my pocket for my keys with my left (I'm left-handed).
As I look up, I see it. My date is about to try to walk over a huge patch of black ice on my sidewalk that can't be seen in the dark of night. On cue, she slips and flings her burrito skyward, but since I was a step ahead of the disaster, I catch her with my right arm—without dropping my burrito or my drink—and gracefully snatch her dinner midflight with my left hand, and then prop her upright. Bingo! Disaster averted!
She's thoroughly impressed with my catlike reflexes and my gentlemanly dedication to the well-being of her person and her dinner. She gushes for a second about how cool that was, I told her I knew the ice patch was coming, and to look out for the second one a few steps ahead—I knew they were both there having had to avoid them in the daylight—and she gingerly bounces over it, turns to give me more praise and then...
I immediately slip and fall on the second ice patch I explicitly warned her about, hurling my drink, and both burritos into the air. She doesn't catch any of them. I hit the back of my head hard enough to bleed, and instead of spending the night eating junk food and playing games with a cute girl, I spend the night on the couch trying not to vomit from disorientation into her lap.
...Yeah, so maybe that didn't turn out so great.
101. Back into the Lion’s Den
I had been trying to break up with a psychotic girlfriend for weeks—she was a truly terrible person, but that's a different story. She talked me into staying with her a few times, but I agreed mostly because I felt guilty dropping her right before her finals of her senior year of college. After she graduated, I finally was ready to put my foot down.
We had neighboring apartments in a complex. The only thing left of mine in her apartment was a booklet of DVDs. I went over to get it, and she, predictably, tried to talk me into getting back with her. We ended up talking for a while, and she was crying about how she wouldn't want anybody ever again and how now she would never get married.
I knew that all of this was coming and was completely prepared. I gave her this glorious, elegant speech about why it just wouldn't work if we kept it going, about how we needed to move on, and told her that she would find somebody to love again someday. All of this was done without a twinge of regret or doubt. My thoughts and words flowed without a pause or stutter in a way that I couldn't recreate if I tried.
I ended with "Send me an invite to your wedding," as this was the classiest way to say, "I will never begin walking down the aisle with you,” then turned around, and strutted out like a boss. It was a perfect, movie-style closing. Then I froze in the hallway as the smile crashed off of my face. In my efforts towards a glorious exit, I had forgotten why I went over in the first place.
I turned around and knocked on her door. "I forgot my DVDs," I said, somewhat sheepishly. She handed my DVD booklet to me and said, "So much for your dramatic exit,” then slammed the door in my face. Boom, roasted.
102. Could’ve Been Worse
I think I was four or five. There was a rock quarry/gravel pit about a mile from my home that my parents didn't want me going to because a bunch of unseemly youths hung out there. So, of course, this is where my flying experiment took place. I tied four kites to my bike and thought if I rode fast enough and then took my bike off the steepest bank of the quarry, the kites would lift me off and I'll glide to the bottom.
Probably lucky for me, but the strings of the kite wound into the bike spokes and completely locked it, throwing me and I slid all the way down the edge of the gravel pit rather than make a measured jump. Scraped up to my elbows and from my knees down, all I could think on that painful walk home dragging my busted bike full of kites was how my mom was going to kill me.
Suffice to say, when your five-year-old walks in looking like the finale of Carrie you don't immediately jump to punishment.
103. Special Delivery
A girl who was enamored with my neighbor showed up at his house on her birthday to give him a present. So he, not wanting to see her, sent his mother to the door to make her go away. My neighbor's mom didn't have the heart to be rude, so she politely accepted the gift. When he later unwrapped it, in front of his mother, it turned out to be a pair of her panties.
We were 16 years old at the time, and the girl in question was 13.
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