We humans have a natural penchant for sarcasm, making us hard-pressed to pass up the perfect clapback when the opportunity arises—especially when it’s oh-so-deserved. Much to our delight, these smart-aleck Redditors shared the greatest disses they’ve ever encountered in the wild, and suffice it to say, the poor souls on the receiving end most definitely felt the sting because these barbs were truly masterful.
1. She Wasn’t Ready For That One
My mom wasn't exactly the best grandma to my kids. She wasn't cruel or anything, but she didn't show them a lot of love. Once, we were chatting about my eldest, who was 18 then and had been with her boyfriend for some time. My mom asked, "Any ideas what's up with [daughter] and [boyfriend]? Are wedding bells in their future?"
I said, "Not sure. It's definitely within the realm of possibility". Then she said, "Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to be a great-grandma". The stars aligned and I had the perfect reply: "Why not start by being a good grandma first?"
2. What The Folk?
I had a crazy fight with a dude on the road, and he called me a "Mumford & Sons lookin' loser". Just so you know, I wasn't dressed like them or playing a banjo. But yeah, I did have a beard.
3. She Certainly Made Light Work Of Him
My 15-year-old niece lives with me and my wife because her dad doesn’t have a job or a house. Once she got her first job, he started telling her she was too young to start working. He said, “You’re too young to have a job,” and she replied with, “You’re too old not to have one”. Hard to come back from that...
4. Doctors Have A Weigh With Words
I had a problem with my leg and decided to see a doctor. He checked my weight and told me I was a tad overweight according to my BMI. Jokingly, I asked, "Isn't BMI supposed to be faulty since it doesn't consider muscle?" The doctor looked at me and gave the most withering reply: "Not in this case". Ouch, dude. That stung.
Krakenimages.com, Shutterstock
5. It Made Him Crumble
My coworker's child was at work, munching on cookies. Their dad asked them to share and said, "Give some to him, he loves cookies too." The kid glanced at their dad, then at me, and finally back at their dad, commenting, "He definitely looks like he loves cookies." That took me down a peg.
6. Adopting A New Attitude
Some kid was picking on me throughout high school, and one day, she started yammering about me being adopted. I don’t know what came over me, but I finally just snapped: “A couple of very nice people paid money to raise me, and your parents are probably regretting having you for free”.
7. A Near Faux Paw
I was chatting with my mother-in-law when her other daughter, my sister-in-law, burst in, complaining that my wife just snapped at her. Without missing a beat, I joked, "Maybe she was just speaking your language". Thankfully, my mother-in-law broke into laughter.
8. Picking A Fight
So, here's the lowdown. Ever since I was a kid, I was just crazy about Eddie Van Halen. More than your average fan. I used to tell my then-girlfriend that one of his used guitar picks would practically make my life complete. It became our inside joke. Fast forward and we've had a nasty split.
Turns out, both of us went to the same Van Halen concert. Somehow, she scored second-row tickets while I was stuck in the nosebleeds, like 300 rows back. Met her after the gig outside the venue when I was with my friends, and she was with hers. She gave me this smile and pulled out one of Eddie's picks from her pocket.
Her smile turned sour as she said, “Here...Now you can die,” while handing me the pick. But then, she pulled a fast one on me, held back the pick and said, “Wait... I’d rather you live knowing I have it and that I couldn’t care less about it”. I just stood there with my jaw agape. That was the hardest burn ever.
Even after thirty years, my friends won't let me live it down. They still crack up about it.
9. It Ended On A Low Note
So, back in my college days, like over a decade ago, I had to create and perform a song for a dance recital. The tune was meant to give the dancers time to breathe and swap costumes. Man, I put a lot of work into that song, creating a wicked guitar instrumental that included this sick change from standard to drop D mid-way. I was super proud of it to be honest.
Up there on stage during the show, I reached a section where I lowered the E to D tuning on a sustained chord. It was in this moment that I heard some woman say, "I wish he’d just leave the stage". It really hit me hard, but I kept it together and finished the song without any major hiccups. Not cool, lady.
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10. Atta Girl
School was a tough ride for me, mainly because I wasn't much of a looker. One day though, something unlikely happened that kinda turned things around. An oversized bully tried to taunt me at lunch, saying "You ain't really a girl. You're a guy with boobs". Outta nowhere, I shot back, "So are you". The sudden quiet before his friends busted out laughing was intense.
He never messed with me again after that. I just wanted some peace to eat my lunch, tired of being pushed around. But social awkwardness is my calling card and honestly, I'm still puzzled how I managed to come up with such a zinger on the fly. For 20 years, I've been riding the high from that comeback. Guess I had my peak moment back then.
11. Trash Talk
Chatting about breakups, my former spouse thought we should have a kid to sort stuff out. I simply reminded her that making a baby with her would basically be the same thing as littering. She wasn't pleased.
12. An Identity Crisis
Once, my buddy and I hit up a casino. She's a couple years younger and got ID'd. Seeing this, I prepped my ID but the bouncer brushed me off saying, "You're good". Oof.
13. That’s God Awful
Someone once told me, "If an atheist saw what your face looked like, they'd instantly start praying to god". Let's just say, I've never quite gotten over that.
14. The Mother Of All Retorts
I'm gay, and when I was 17, mom said she would've just skipped having me if she'd known I'd wind up gay. Important background: She was constantly drowning herself in drink and used different doctors and pharmacies to get her stash of heavy-duty pills.
During my teenage years, I started to seriously get into playing the piano competitively. Her? Well, she was off in her own world of intoxication and missed out on some big moments of mine.
So when she said that awful thing, I had had enough. I grabbed her a bottle from the fridge, popped it open, passed it over, and said, "If I knew you were gonna be my mom, I might've chosen not to be born at all". Long story short, we stopped talking for like a year after that.
15. Walking The Mean Streets
I was screwing around with a buddy from my class, just ribbing each other playfully. I shot at him - "Bro, you've no clue. You'll end up selling yourself on the street". Guess what? Our teacher, overhearing it, deadpans, "But who's gonna pay for that?" The whole class exploded.
16. The Aunt Was The Real Big C
I've got advanced stage cancer. My aunt is really clueless and mean. After she made some biased remarks, I said, "Man, sometimes you make me wish this cancer would just hurry up".
17. Reading Between The Lines
An old friend of mine, who's pretty smart and always buried in books, called me her top "non-intellectual friend" once. I'm pretty sure she meant that I like sci-fi than real stories and I'm nuts about superhero flicks over dramas. But it's been a dozen years and it still nags at me...
18. Well, That Tore A Strip Off Him…
In one of my classes today we were discussing careers and this one kid yells out, "I wanna be a male stripper!" The teacher, quick as a whip, shot back with, "You might not tick all the boxes for that job, buddy!" Ouch.
19. Kidding Around
In line with some friends, this kid, around six or seven, wouldn't stop eyeballing me. It got to the point where I looked back, said "Hey". I wasn't prepared for his response. The kid just keeps looking at me, then out of nowhere, says "Nice face, ugly".
20. She Gave Her Friend A Dressing-Down
I had an old pal who was older than me by 12 years and kind of full of herself. I mean, she's pretty, but it's not like dudes are falling over themselves for her. She always wore clothes too young for her age, like she was clinging onto her youth. One day, she started poking at me for being a bit chubby, saying I looked like a slob standing next to her. These remarks were pretty frequent. One day, I'd finally had enough.
I was like, "And what about you?" Her response was a shocked, "Excuse me?!" To which she added, "I have the body of a 22-year-old!" I said back to her, "Well, you might wanna return it. You're kinda stretching it out!"
21. A Curl Up And Dye Moment
I was on a train with my mom when I spotted a bald guy stretching his arms up, revealing a forest in his pits. He was wearing a tank top, so it was pretty hard to miss. The question suddenly burned in my mind - why did the dude have no hair on top but so much under his arms?
Not knowing better, I asked my mom aloud whether all of the guy's head hair decided to migrate to his pits. My mom froze like a deer in headlights and didn't say a word. So I kept asking. She tried to shush me by lightly covering my mouth and holding me close. The funniest part? The guy heard everything in Spanish and cracked up. So it wasn't that terrible, after all.
22. Food For Thought
While chowing down at a diner, I heard some guy say, “I’d rather give my parents advice in the bedroom than chat with you another second". Nearly spit out my sandwich right then and there.
23. Fostering A Grudge
Someone once harshly told me, "Well, at least I didn't have to try 30 families to find one who loved me, just to have them hate me after a few years". I was in foster care for nearly all my childhood. At eight, a family adopted me, but returned me to the state by the time I hit 14.
24. Fat Chance They Stayed Friends
I hit puberty super early. At 12, I was tall, wide, and awkwardly busty. I had this tiny friend and her mom was just as small. One day, my friend let slip how her mom always dissed my weight when I wasn't around.
Apparently, once when they were planning a sleepover for me, her dad said, "She's a big girl. I'm sure she can sort out her own ride," and her mom was like, "Yeah, a VERY big girl".
The whole thing was so devastating. Not just 'cause it was an adult - who I thought I could trust - saying it, but my pint-sized friend decided to pass on the harsh comment, probably trying to make me feel ugly.
Loads of things have messed with my body image over time, but that was an early kick in the guts I won't forget.
25. It Really Struck A Chord
A buddy had a demo and asked me to send it to Mr Jerk. But, after getting it, Jerk completely dismissed it because it came from me, a "worthless mailroom dude". Man, did that sting. Even three decades later, I can't shake his nasty comment.
But at least karma did its thing. Jerk is now selling houses, according to LinkedIn. So much for his 'talent' in nurturing artists.
26. This Sent Her Off The Rails
Once, I met this totally tipsy Pacific Islander. He was a pleasant dude, even though he was way past sober. Misjudging my Kiwi accent as Islander, (since I'm a white New Zealander), he took an instant liking to me. He was in high spirits, raving about his rugby, insisting I join his reggae sing-alongs, and blabbing on about his girlfriend in the city.
With his non-stop singing and our chatter, a train rolled in, and it looked like he was going to miss it. Seeing this, I said, "Hey, your train's here, you'll miss it!" He took it the wrong way and thought I was trying to ditch him. To reassure him, I said, "No way, man! Just looking out for you!" That cooled him down, and he hopped onto the train. Before it left, he flashed me a thank-you smile and called me "Aunty".
Imagine my surprise. I’m only in my 30s. Anyone who knows the term "aunty" is used as a sign of respect, you'd get why I felt that sting.
27. Up In Arms
So, a while back I worked with this older lady. Out of the blue, she thought her army hubby might be able to hook me up, given all the single guys he knew. But then she paused and said, "Maybe not. They're too picky".
In my head, I was like, "Seriously?" Back then, I was super shy and really lacked the confidence to speak up, so I didn't say anything. To this day, I still wish I'd said something even though I don't think she meant to be rude.
28. Hope Against Hope
I was in the middle of a foosball match and some buddies were watching. Out of the blue, one of them says, "I hope you lose". Without missing a beat, (since I was so focused), I shot back, “I hope your life continues to be as average as it's been”. One of the other guys nearly toppled over from laughing so hard.
29. Talk To The Hand
While getting divorced, my soon-to-be ex and I were fighting. She told me I'd never find someone better than her. I responded, "I'd prefer my right hand over you!" Oh and by the way, I'm a lefty!
30. She Couldn’t Stand It
One day, I saw this woman in a wheelchair zooming around Walmart, nearly knocking stuff—and almost me—over. I had to jump out the way. She stopped when she saw me, gave me this look, and said super rudely, “Well, excuuuuuuuuse me!”
I hit back with, “Maybe if you watched where you were going, you wouldn’t need that chair.” Her face said it all: pure shock, then a mix of sorrow and fury. I just kept walking. It was both my best and worst comeback ever.
31. He Dealt With It
My mom died in spring 2015. A few months after, I was having a blast with Cards Against Humanity. Can't recall the exact question, it was something about me. The answers started rolling in and lo and behold, someone dropped "dead parents".
His partner was not pleased. My wife was upset. Honestly, everyone was pretty shocked and it got awkward. But honestly, I wasn't mad, 'cause that's how you play the game. I handed the dude full points, all three of them.
32. An Unparalleled Takedown
One day, I found myself pedaling my bike home down a tight street. A gigantic, ostentatious pickup truck was engaged in a sloppy attempt at parallel parking. Passing by it was a clear no-go for me because the driver, a woman who was obvious in her display of masculinity, was so engrossed in her parking struggles that she didn't seem to be aware of anything else happening around her.
Eventually, she noticed she was being observed and became quite irritable and defensive. Raising her voice, she shouted, "What on earth are you staring at?" To which I just smiled and replied, "Just trying to see how you park your monster truck".
33. A Satisfying Burn
My friend's old man once joked, "This dang appliance must be female, 'cause no matter what you do, you're never happy with the outcome!" I joked back, "Oh, so you never managed to please a woman, huh?" The comeback sounded cooler in German, but it was pretty epic because he's one of the most egotistical men I've ever met.
34. He Didn’t CD Burn Coming
A guy on the street was hustling CDs, and when a heavyset man passed by, he offered to sell him one. The man said, "No, thanks." The hustler got a bit annoyed and said, "If it were a donut, you'd eat it." The heavier man replied right away, "If it were a dollar, you'd beg me for it".
35. It Shuts Them Down, Too
I've got a fave one. When I mention I'm bi, or if it pops up, and dudes come at me with "I'm cool as long as you don't touch me," I shoot back with "Just 'cause I like guys doesn't mean you suddenly became hot!" They usually get quiet pretty quick.
36. Just Keep Swimming…
I saw this once. At basic training, there was this very slow, clueless newbie causing all kinds of trouble. The drill instructor watches him struggling to make his bed. Calmly, he tells him, "Just think, out of all the millions of swimmers, you were the fastest". Then he adds after a slight pause, "You should have been caught in a tissue".
37. He Was Trying His Son’s Nerves
The meanest dig I've ever had came from my father. I'd finally got my act together after lots of highs and lows - stood on my own two feet, had a stable job, achieved some cool things, even bagged a degree.
Dad had an audience of family friends over, and he took the time to sing the praises of my sister for five minutes. Then looked at me and said, "At least you're still trying". Granted, my twin sis has done heaps of impressive stuff and had way fewer issues than me.
But, I was like, "Wow, really?" I decided then not to let that burn me again. I mean, this is the same dude who once said he was disappointed in me straight up. As of now, I've pretty much cut ties with all my close family.
38. Dirty Business
This dude kept flirting and spewing gross, uncool remarks about our potential bedroom action, all in the office during working hours. I mentioned it, but the bosses weren’t lifting a finger about it. I worked night shifts, and one time, he brought up his junk and boasted that he's every woman's dream.
Finally, I shot back, "I wouldn't let you touch me even if I could borrow my worst enemy's body". It was like an upgrade from the good old "I wouldn't touch you with a 10-foot pole" line. Everyone else in the break room burst out laughing, and right then, the creepfest ended. It never happened to me again.
39. The Divorce Really Cost Him
Got a text from my ex last year. We've been divorced for a bit, but we're chill. He messaged me asking if I have any single friends for him or if I was "free". We'd hooked up a couple times since splitting. Things just happened, you know?
I told him I was in a serious thing. He seemed off, so I asked what's going wrong, and he said he's not doing great in his open relationship. Just for context, he's 11 years older than me and we got married when I was just 18.
After chatting for a bit, he suddenly asked, "Why aren't women hitting on me like when we were married?" I just said straight up, "I made you look good".
40. Stay In Your Lane
So, my wife and I were at Walmart, in line for self-checkout. It was pretty simple, you wait your turn and when a register opens up, the next in line goes. I had my arms full with a case of water and some soda packs for a party. My wife was holding a couple bags of chips and a few other small items.
As we were about to walk up to the next vacant register, this rude elderly woman swoops in and accidentally brushes against both me and my wife. She only had a half gallon of milk in her hands. My wife, always the polite one, informs her that we were next in line in the nicest way possible.
This woman, sounding like she had been smoking all her life, simply fires back with a dismissive "I am in a hurry. I don’t have time for this". Both of us are shocked at this, and seeing my wife's surprise, I loudly remark that it’s okay, she doesn’t have much time left anyway, might as well let her go first. I only made this comment because of how she treated my wife and bumped into her.
Everything suddenly got quiet, like I had paused a music track in the middle. A few people looked pretty shocked, some suppressing their giggles. One guy behind me even laughed out loud. The woman cast me a furious glance before moving on, clearly annoyed at my remark.
Lipik Stock Media, Shutterstock
41. No Backpedaling Here
In my early twenties, finding a stable job was a challenge, my love life wasn't great, and I had to borrow money from dad for rent a few times. Despite all that, my dad, a soft-spoken and gentle man, never made me feel bad about finding my way through life.
There was this one time when I mentioned to him about a bike I was trying to build using spare parts. I explained my struggles with picking the right gear system and how I didn’t want a fixed gear bike because then I couldn’t just coast along.
That's when he said, “Yeah, seems like you enjoy coasting through life”. His words hit me hard, giving a reality check like never before.
42. Bar None
So, there I was, chilling at a bar on Bourbon Street around 3 in the morning. This joint had these cool open shutter windows. Outta the blue, this guy who'd just bounced decides to swing back and lean over our table to yell at his pals who were still hanging around.
Naturally, one of my buddies can't resist and fires off a sarcastic comment his way. The guy turns around, slaps the table, and says to my friend, "Anyone who's ever loved you was mistaken". Then, he saunters off like it's just another Tuesday. We still get a kick out of that story.
Wikimedia Commons, MusikAnimal
43. Getting Down With The Kids
My kid's mum swears she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. But when she was expecting our twins, she looked at the 3D ultrasound and said to me, "Initially, I thought Baby A has Down Syndrome. But I reckon she's just got your looks".
44. He’d Make A Pass At Her
A buddy of mine back in freshman year had never really been with any girls. So this clueless jock we kinda knew said to him, "When you get a girlfriend, I'm definitely going to hook up with her". My friend shot back, "If I had a girl who'd go for you, her cheating wouldn't be the main problem".
45. That Hit Below The Belt
So, my spunky grandma. She was super witty and sharp. My future hubby and I brought the whole clan together at mine. It was the moment my fiancé's dad met my nana for the first time. The dude was big guy with a beer belly to match. He started spinning yarns to my gran about my man being a little troublemaker as a kid.
Then, he told her about how he'd unbuckle his belt to discipline Joe when he misbehaved. My delicate gran looked him right in the beer gut and said, "Your belt? How on earth could you find it?" My soon-to-be dad-in-law was left completely stunned.
46. He Schooled Them All
So, me and my two kid brothers were out at a restaurant family gathering for dad's birthday. I had just finished graduating from our dad's old college and my middle brother was in his third year there. The youngest of us, however, chose to go to state school as a freshman.
At one point, my uncle joked to my youngest brother, "So, how does dad feel about you not following the family lineage of attending [our last name] men's college?" My little brother took a sec to answer, then said, "I guess he's okay with it since I broke the trend of not being able to do better than a 3.0 GPA".
Everyone at the table went wild. The other brother and I could only look at each other like, whoa, did we just get totally burned? It's even funnier 'cause my lil' bro was like one of those shy teens who returned from college as a real social butterfly.
I was hoping for him to get out of his shell, but I didn't expect it to be such a wake-up call, you know?
Fourandsixty, CC BY-SA 4.0 , Wikimedia Commons
47. That Comment Might Come Back To Bite Him…
My family loves to mess around sometimes. One time, my aunt teased me about a wonky tooth I had when I was a teen (which has fixed itself since, I might add). But we were brought up to look on the bright side and throw compliments around instead of criticisms. So, that's what I did...kind of.
So my aunt hits me with, "Nice gator grin!" and I was like, "Uh, cheers..".
She carried on, "It's just that one tooth, makes your smile a bit wonky, but it's not too bad. You could get it sorted". So I answered back, "Maybe, but I'll never have a set of gnashers like yours. They're like stars". My aunt looked a little confused, "Like stars? You mean they're sparkling?" But I said, "Nah, more like they only show up at night".
My jokester uncle had given me a book called 1001 Insults for Every Occasion a while ago, and that wise-crack was right out of it.
48. A Comical Comeback
Back in college, I bumped into a friend while I was holding a Green Lantern comic. He introduced me to his girlfriend and the first thing she said was, "Aren't comic books just for kids?" Stunned by her comment, I quickly responded, "And aren't those A-cups also meant for kids?"
I was so surprised someone I'd just met would say that, but I'm pretty proud of my quick reply. Still the best comeback I've ever had...
49. A Gold Standard
Okay, so here's the story. As a kid, I was extremely quiet and basically no one could ever ruffle my feathers. Unfortunately, that made getting on my nerves a kind of sport at my school. I guess school was just that boring.
One day, I walked into my classroom and a girl, let's call her "S", was scribbling on the chalkboard. She was writing an inside joke about our teacher: something about his teacher number.
Anyway, right after she finishes and our teacher walks in, he notices the writing and immediately asks who’s responsible. Guess what S and her gang did? They pointed fingers at me! Keep in mind we were 15, not 5, so this was pretty lame.
Surprisingly even to myself, instead of denying it, I strolled up to the board, grabbed a piece of chalk, and corrected her grammar mistakes. Then I turned away from the board and said, "That wasn't me. I have standards". The class went bananas, including S, and my teacher laughed until he cried. They all thought it was hilarious, just because it was from the quiet kid. But honestly, I didn’t think it was that big a deal.
50. Oh, Snap Snap
So, I had this weird friend back in high school. I mean, picture Wednesday Addams as the top student. We shared a few classes in our 11th and 12th grades. The first time we chatted, she said, "I can't quite read you. Something's off, but I can't figure out what".
I shrugged it off, not knowing what to say. Fast forward to a year later, I was sharing a story about last night's party, and she suddenly said, "I cracked it". Confused, I asked, "Cracked what?" She replied, "The odd thing about you". I asked, "What's that?" With a straight face she said, "You aren't dumb, but it feels like you should be".
I was absolutely speechless. What am I supposed to make of that?
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