Call The Burn Unit, These Comebacks Are Legendary
We’ve all been there: Someone insults us, and we can’t think of anything to say. Hours later—or the next morning in the shower—the most scathing reply comes to us, but by then it’s too late.
Well, when push came to shove, these Redditors didn’t have that problem. They thought of the perfect comeback instantly, and the results are glorious.
1. The Fast and the Farcical
I was riding in a car with one of my buddies and he was way over the speed limit on a pretty empty county highway. To give you some idea, he was going 90ish with a 55 mph limit. Well, suddenly we hear a patrol car behind us and we pull over.
The officer walks up to the window and says in a country accent with a grin on his face, "Boy, I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver of the car, my friend, didn't even hesitate for a second before he retorted: "Sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could." The officer was in tears for the next 20 seconds, laughing uncontrollably.
My friend got off with a warning and the officer told him that was the first time anyone had made him laugh that hard while he was on duty.
2. Fun With Dick and Jane
Here's my favorite self-burn. In high school math class, there was this nice, nerdy guy named Richard. The jerk of the class, let’s call him John, keeps calling Richard "Dick." Like, "Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?"
Richard keeps calmly saying "It's Richard." Finally, the teacher says, "Richard, what do you prefer to be called?"
Richard says, "I prefer Richard." John says, "Well, I prefer Dick." After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, John realized what he said and sunk as far down into his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again.
We were teenagers in the 80s, so this really was the height of hilarity in class.
3. Don’t Blame Me, I’m Your Son
In a heated argument, my mom called my brother a “son of a [bleep].” He replied, "You got that right."
4. Keeping Him in Suspense
I was at a friend’s place with a lot of people who I didn't really know too well. We were all having a few beers. Suddenly, this dude from across the table says to me, quite aggressively, that my suspenders were ugly and that they made me look like I was trying too hard—which, to be fair, I was. But I still dealt him a crushing blow.
Without skipping a beat, I stood up, unclipped my suspenders, and put them in my pocket. When I sat down, I looked straight into his eyes and replied, "Now let’s talk about that face tattoo of yours.”
