First impressions matter. So when these people absolutely botched the first time they met someone and ended up embarrassing themselves beyond all hope, it really mattered. They say don’t judge a book by its cover, so let’s all hope their second impressions went better than these cringe-worthy blunders.
1. A Numbers Game
I was trying to get a cute girl’s number while we stood in line for a ride at an amusement park, but I wasn’t watching where I was walking. I walked right into a trash can. Broke my phone. The girl fell over laughing. No number for me.
2. Pleased to Meet Me
10 years ago, I was crushing over a girl in freshman year. She was standing around with mutual friends and I knew her name was Monica, but we had never actually met. I walked up to her and introduced myself, saying: “Hi, I'm Monica.”
3. Boss Move
I was meeting my potential boss for the first time. I had a cup of tea in a saucer in one of my hands. I shook his hand, and he held on to it for an uncomfortably long time. Unfortunately, out of nowhere, I let out a huge sneeze. I tried to turn away, but only succeeded in spilling my hot tea down his trousers and getting snot all over his shirt and jacket.
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4. Daddy Issues
Upon first meeting a girl at my previous place of employment, I noticed she was being really flirty and we seemed to hit it off well. Middle school style, she resorted to mildly insulting me as a way of teasing—so one of my responses was "Oh yeah? Well, your dad!" as a classic, but in hindsight not-so-clever revision of "Your mom!" Big. Mistake.
Turns out her father perished in a car accident less than a year ago. Worse, he was basically decapitated, as the logs fell from a semi-truck that was hauling timber in front of him. She started seriously crying and walked off. Ruined the mood entirely.
5. A Pregnant Pause
I was matched with a temp job with a high-end real estate firm in my area. During my initial interview with the office controller, she informed me that she and Emily—one of the head agents—were both pregnant and actually had the same due date. Welp, turns out there were two agents named Emily. I didn't meet the pregnant one first. I just met the fat one. My "Congratulations" and inquiries about name and such were not well received. I'm blushing just thinking about it.
6. “Personal” Grooming Habits
I was on a family trip for Thanksgiving to meet some relatives who I had never met before. One thing leads to another and they are all drinking, including my parents. My tipsy dad then goes on to make a statement that "Teenagers spend a lot of time in the shower, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Then he looks at me, nudges me on the arm and says, "Hey buddy, you used to spend a lot of time in the shower."
7. What’s in a Name?
I was being introduced to someone, but not really paying much attention. As the man introduced himself, he said, "My name is Ted, pleasure to meet you." I responded simply with, "Thank you." Got very awkward as I continued being distracted, never really cleared it up. I probably seemed like a real jerk.
Flickr, Marco Verch
8. Big Fish Story
A friend of mine met a girl on crutches, and when the topic moved on to why she was on crutches, she told him that a shark attacked her. My friend peed himself laughing. Then he realized no one else was laughing. Instead, staring daggers at him, she said: "I'm not joking." She really had been attacked by a shark and lost a lot of flesh and muscle on her leg.
9. By Any Other Name
When I was a freshman in high school, I joined the track team. There was this extremely attractive senior girl on the team that nearly everyone had a crush on. We all secretly admired her from afar as we went about practice. One day after school, we ended up walking toward the field at the same time. I awkwardly walked near her, trying not to look over.
After a minute or so, she noticed me and started up a conversation. "Hey, you're on the track team, right?" She said. I was overwhelmed that she was talking to me. "Yes," I said, looking straight ahead."You're...Johnny, right?" I was not Johnny. Johnny was another freshman. "No," still looking straight ahead. "Oh, sorry. What's your name then?"
I was so nervous. I wanted to stay and run at the same time. But then, I stuttered out an answer. It was brutal: "I don't know." It's not that I blanked on my name or anything. Of course, I knew my own name! I was just that nervous. "You don't know your own name?" She asked and laughed. "No," I said and ran away. She never tried to talk to me again.
10. Snack Attack
I moved into a new place with two housemates. The girl housemate was overseas, so I didn't get to meet her until after I'd moved in. It was about 11 pm one night and I cruise downstairs to the kitchen for a late snack in my tighty whiteys. Sure enough, I hear a key in the front door and she comes in. I don't know what was more disturbing: meeting her in just my underwear or the fact I was holding a raw carrot and tub of peanut butter at the time.
11. I Scream, You Scream
I took a girl out for ice cream with some friends before a school dance. Everything was going fine until someone told a joke. I had ice cream in my mouth, so I laughed through my nose. This shot a booger out of my nose. It landed on the hand of my date.
12. Almost Had It, Buddy
I was wanting to impress a girl on the first date while we played frisbee with her dog. Suddenly, the frisbee gets stuck in tree. Wanting to look smart, I saw a long piece of wood nearby, got it, and reached for the frisbee. I couldn't quite get it, so I began to jump up to get extra reach. Success! Or so I thought. As I landed, I naturally squatted....annnnnd let out an enormous fart. There was no second date.
13. Car Trouble
I went out on a coffee date with a guy who I really wasn't getting along too well with. He asked me if I'd like to sit in his car after we left to chat a little, and since I honestly had nothing better to do, I thought "Sure, why not—maybe he's less weird and full of himself when he's outside of a Starbucks.” I soon found out how wrong I was.
Halfway through our very boring conversation about himself, he blinked rather rapidly and kind of made a pondering look, like he had just had an epiphany. Then he looked at me and said, "Would you mind rolling your window down?" I said "Hm, why do you want me to roll my window down?" His response nearly made me gag.
He said, "Because I just farted and it really smells." I said "Oh." and rolled my window down and just sort of stared at the dashboard while our minds wrapped around the fact that the car was now the Bog of Eternal Stench. I shook his hand and said I had to go and he said "Ok then" without fighting. I never saw him again.
14. Par for the Course
I took my new girlfriend out to play a nice game of mini golf. A few holes in, I decided to be the funny guy and jump across one of the stupid rivers that mini golf courses have. Well, this is when I learned that mini-golf courses dye their water blue. I fell in, and when I came out, my clothes were bright indigo. We’re still together now, though, so it couldn’t have been that bad.
15. Swing and a Miss
I was at a resort in Mexico when I was 16 years old. I see a very attractive girl, so I go up and start talking with her, and I think things are going well. I told her I was actually 18, since she was 22. My mom then walks up to ask me if I’m eating lunch. I said no, then the girl said "You know your son is very mature for an 18-year-old" to which my mom says "18!? He's not 18, he's 16." That was pretty awkward.
16. Do You Ever Knock?
My boyfriend and I were laying on his bed buck naked with the lights out and a fan on while watching TV on an extremely hot summer day. All of a sudden, we hear his sister walking down the stairs and talking to someone, but since her bedroom was next to his, we didn't think anything of it. Next thing we know, she comes storming in and turns on the lights…with my boyfriend’s soon to be sister-in-law, because she wanted to meet me. I still blush uncontrollably when I think about it.
17. A Tight Spot
I went to my buddy Cain's place to play some board games and have a few drinks. Two important things to know: I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic and my buddy's living room is tiny, about 70 square feet. There were seven of us there, two of whom I had only met that evening, all having a good time and drinking up. Then I started to feel abnormally hot and very uneasy about my surroundings. I went into the washroom and washed my face, and while doing so, started shaking really badly.
If you're claustrophobic, I had the trapped feeling, but it was worse than I'd ever experienced before. It being like 30C and humid as heck didn't help, either. I walked out and took a seat next to my girlfriend, and the next thing I know, I'm puking in the toilet. Now, I didn't have much to drink and I was quite confused at this point. How the heck did I get there?
When I found out the truth, I was mortified. Apparently, I sat down and told her I wasn't feeling well, then my eyes rolled back and I nose-dived into the table. As my friend was trying to pick me up, I managed to puke ALL over his living room as well as hitting every single one of my new-found friends. I'm awesome.
18. Musical Chairs
On my first day of a new job, I was not aware of the company's seating arrangements for desks, and so simply took the first seat that appeared to be vacant. Turns out, I had stolen by soon-to-be boss's seat, and he was too polite to tell me. The next day, I sat back down in the same place, and my boss finally decided it was time to introduce himself.
He came up and said "Hi, I'm your boss, and that's my seat" whereupon, mortified, I proceeded to blabber incoherent apologies and pleasantries. To add insult to injury, I managed to get his name wrong. All in all, not a great start. Still, he later told me that he relished every second of that experience. I love my boss.
19. Business and Pleasure
I went out for the evening with a group of friends. They were all drinking, but I on the other hand had a job interview the next day so didn't want to partake too much. However, I started chatting to a very nice girl, and to cut a long story short, the next morning I woke up in her bed. I quickly apologised, then left to change clothes and rush to get to the job interview on time.
When I got there, the receptionist told me the names of the three people who were going to interview me. One of the names was the same as the girl who I had just left. I thought that was weird, but figured it was just a coincidence. Spoiler: It was not. The girl I had just slept with interviewed me. It was a very awkward interview. But I ended up getting the job!
20. The Strong and Silent Type
I work at the corporate office of a fairly large business, and the president of the company has a reputation for being somewhat of a jerk. But since I’m a people pleaser and I believe in making a good first impression, whenever I see him, I always try to make eye contact and smile at him…but he will NEVER look my way. NEVER. Cut to about two weeks ago, I'm walking down the stairs in a quiet stairwell when I get the feeling that someone is watching me. I look up...it's him. I was wearing a low cut shirt and dude was full-on staring into my chest. I awkwardly said "Hello…" and kept walking. He just laser-focused on my breasts and remained silent the entire time.
21. Small Talk, Big Embarrassment
I had just moved to a new town and was getting on the bus to go to school. This particular bus was packed, so EVERY seat was filled except a couple. I sat down next to a girl in one of those two-seaters—she was against the window. All of a sudden, she starts to go on about what she did last night, for like a good 10 minutes.
I'm just sitting there nodding, reacting to what she says and paying attention. After this goes on for a while, I figure I should at this point introduce myself. “Oh hey, by the way, I’m Vinny.” She looks me up and down in disgust and says, "Um...I was talking to my friend in the seat across from you." I turned away and stared at the floor in the aisle. It was a long bus ride...
22. Everything but the Girl
The year was 1997. I was in the second grade, and after watching a lot of late night episodes of The Wonder Years, I wanted my own Winnie Cooper. I knew exactly who I wanted, but I just needed to find a way to impress her. One day, the scenario was perfect. We were in gym class, playing foursquare and basketball. The foursquare ball bounces up a set of stairs, so I go up to get it, all while her basketball rolls to the bottom of the stairs.
For a split second, I feel like a super hero and think, "She will think I'm a magician if I walk on her basketball." Yes, I know this is idiotic now. Not ever taking a physics class before, I step on it, and it rolls. But it got so much worse. I fall down, yes, and also break my arm in two places, then cry all the way to the nurse. I had a cast for 12 weeks. The next time I saw her was at the town's pool about a year later. I wanted to impress her by diving off the diving board. I did a belly flop and got a bloody nose.
23. He Shoots, He Fails
About a year ago, I went to a house party near my college where I only knew one other. I had decided to go last minute and didn't have time to change out of the short shorts I was wearing. I'm a guy, not sure why I was wearing short shorts. Anyway, my friend introduces me to a group of cute girls, who immediately compliment me on the short shorts.
Since the World Cup was going on at the time, I decided to make a comment about how the shorts were perfect for playing soccer. I stepped back, wound up, and proceeded to show them my "kick." Well, I kicked so hard that I fell right on my butt in front of everyone. Everyone laughed at me as I ran into the house to call a friend to pick me up.
24. Screen Your Dates
My first online date with the guy, we decide to do something cheap because we're both broke. We have a movie night at my place. So he gets here, I get him a drink, and I end up making him laugh so hard that it comes out of his nose and sprays all over my carpet...I try to take that as a compliment. Then homeboy decides it's time for a smoke break.
I tell him we can go on the balcony. He gets all excited, "You have a balcony!?!?" Jumps up and rushes over to the door. He opens it and runs directly into the screen. In fact, not only does he run into the screen door, which is obviously there, he runs into it so hard that it shoots out of the frame and launches off the balcony onto my neighbor’s porch below. We dated for like three months after that. I need higher standards.
25. Full Service Admissions
My best friend's mother was good friends with the Dean of Admissions at my top-choice school. I went to visit the school with my friend and his mom, and we were going to be staying with the Dean for the weekend. What a great opportunity! If only I didn't mess it up in the most humiliating way possible...not even an hour after first meeting the Dean, I clogged his toilet and could not find a plunger.
After 20 minutes and 20 flushes, I went downstairs and told my friend's mom—quietly. She decides it's hilarious and blurts it out to the Dean's wife, who INSISTS on plunging the toilet herself. I followed her to the bathroom, pleading with her to hand over the plunger and let me take care of it. She wouldn't give it up, and I watched in horror as she knelt over the toilet and went ahead plunging my poops. But hey, I still got into the school!
26. Down the Hatch
A few years ago, I was out drinking with some friends. After a few drinks, the conversation moved off the usual high-brow topics into boisterous jokes. Then my friend’s little sister walks into the bar. After the usual circle of introductions, it came to be my turn. In my big moment, I messed it up in the worst way possible.
Just as she turned for my introduction, I took a big gulp of my drink at the same time as one of my friends made a crude joke. Needless to say, trying to laugh with my mouth full didn't go well. I basically inhaled my drink, choked, and half vomited/coughed it up, splattering the poor girl from head to toe while trying to clear my lungs. Never did see her again after that.
27. Stay Hydrated
This happened to me about two years ago, while I was in college. It was the start of the school year, and I was moving into a new house with about five other guys. In the summer, I have really bad allergies, so I use a neti pot. For those of you who are unfamiliar with neti pots, they can rinse out your nasal cavity with water. Now, once in awhile, water gets trapped and leaks out of your nose later. So anyway, here I am on move-in day and I had just rinsed my sinuses.
I went upstairs to meet everyone and their families. We were standing around introducing ourselves, when I swear to god my nose opened up and the heavens rained from it. Everyone just stood there and looked at me. My shirt, in a line going from my chest to my crotch, was absolutely soaked with my weird nose water. That was pretty hard to explain...
28. All in the Family
After an evening of heavy drinking, I spent the night at the house of a girl I had just started dating. She lived with her mom. I awoke in the middle of the night having to pee and, after checking that the coast was clear, I scampered naked down the hall to the bathroom. I quickly returned and jumped into bed. Then I realized my horrific mistake.
As soon as I snuggled in, I was met with "Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" I was frozen with confusion...until the girl opened the door and revealed that I had crawled into the wrong bed. I was cuddling with her mother. Turns out, I made a wrong turn on my way back and entered the mother’s bedroom across the hall. I covered myself the best I could and jumped out of her bed as they both burst out laughing.
29. Come Again?
I met a guy at a party who introduced himself as "Pizza." Naturally, I was confused. "Pizza?” I responded. "Your name is Pizza? Why do they call you Pizza?" Immediately after I said this, the host of the party chimes in with, "Oh, this is my friend from the UK, Peter." I've never felt like such a jerk before or since.
30. One Man’s Trash…
I was going over to my buddy's apartment for a little shindig. On my way there, I noticed that there was a lot of intact stuff near the dumpster, as somebody was moving out. So, me, being the dumpster-diving hobo that I am, decided to take a gander. As I was rifling through the contents near the dumpster, I noticed a girl walking by, staring at me.
I thought, “Well, that's embarrassing, good thing I won't see her again!' I got to my buddy's place, and lo and behold, the girl is there, and asks "Were you that guy digging in the dumpster?" loud enough for everyone at the party, including other people I hadn't met yet, to hear. Thanks a lot, Karen.
31. Sibling Rivalry
A few years back, my girlfriend and I went out for dinner with two of her older brothers. I've been dating her for maybe a month and this is the first time I met them. She warned me that sometimes they can be jerks to guys she dates, so of course I'm a little nervous to meet them. At some point in the evening, she excuses herself and goes to the restroom, so it's just the two brothers and me sitting together, having nothing really to talk about.
The older of the two looks at me, and in an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence, asks "So, what do you do in your spare time?" I mean, what am I supposed to say? Most normal people do the same things: Watch movies and sports, read books, work out, play games with friends. I have no idea what to say that wouldn't sound lame. I get nervous about coming up with a good reply and when I get nervous, I tend to try and be funny. "What do you do in your spare time?" The words bounce around in my head until I answer with the first thing that pops in my brain: "Your sister."
32. Dress for the Job You Want
I went to a job interview right after my sophomore year in college to intern at a bank. I wore my favorite pencil skirt, but it was probably a little too small. Turns out that at some point in putting it on, I broke the zipper on the side. I decided to staple it, because I had no safety pins. So I interview, it goes well, and I stand up to shake my future boss’s hand, and I hear "RIIIIP." My staples all popped out.
I decided the best thing to do was shake his hand and ignore the skirt. After that, I look down and I think, "It's not that bad." I was so wrong, but I didn't realize it yet. I turn around, holding the side of the skirt, and walk out of the bank. Once I get outside, suddenly my butt is FREEZING. Turns out the back of the skirt had ripped open and my neon pink thong was CLEARLY visible. And that's the story of how everyone I work with has seen my butt.
33. Face Control
My wife works in the president's office of a university, and she was attending a luncheon event where she also met the president's wife. Before they entered the event, my wife noticed a little string on the lady's cheek and said "Oh, you've got something on your face—let me get that for you." She reached out and tried to pick it off, only to find it was a firmly-attached whisker.
34. Seat and Slide
My brother dated and ended up marrying a girl who competed in the Ms. Arkansas pageant. I was about 13 years old and attending a banquet the night before the pageant. I was extremely excited to be seated at a table with several super-hot girls. As I sat down, my weirdly slick pants and the slippery plastic covering on the chair conspired against me. I proceeded to slowly fall completely off the chair and slide under the table in front of all of these girls. This was not how I hoped this moment would go.
35. Put on the Water Works
I was, unfortunately, the victim of a terrible miscommunication at a pool party. When I was around 14 years old, we had a pool party in the back of our house with about 40 people in attendance, mostly adults who I didn’t know. Our friendly neighbors were there though and, key to the story, the husband had a VERY similar name to his younger daughter of 4 years old.
The wife wanted to pull a joke on her husband and, seeing that I had a stream machine in my hands, wanted me to go blast her husband. To my eternal regret, my mind only heard the wife say the daughter’s name. I was confused and asked, "Are you sure?" a few times. I will never forgive myself for what came next. I ended up unloading an entire high-pressure water gun on this poor little girl in front of all these people. She fell to the ground and started howling in alarm, tears running down her face. I then got stares from them all.
36. I See Where You Went Wrong
I semi-regularly work with groups of kids, and one of the things we emphasize with them is that it’s important to make eye contact with adults when you are talking to them. So, whenever a kid in my group is talking to me and not making eye contact, I will interrupt him and point to my eyes to remind him of the principle. The other day this went very wrong. I was introduced to fellow adult for the first time, and as we shook hands, he didn't make eye contact. Out of habit, I pointed to my eyes to make him look at me. He was completely weirded out, and everything was awkward after that...
37. Friends in High Places
I ran into my soon-to-be boss when I was drinking in celebration of snagging my new job. I drank so much, in fact, that I didn’t even remember meeting him that night. Oh, but he remembered me, and our conversation. My first day, my supervisor introduces us and my boss says, ''Oh, we've met. Are my ‘slightly graying temples’ still distinguished?”
My supervisor is standing there with his mouth hanging open. Totally baffled, I just nod. Years later, my boss thinks it’s the best darn story he's ever had the right to tell, so he tells everyone. He called me “blackout” for a week and still pretends like he can't remember who I am sometimes. Honestly? I love that man. I should have been ruined.
38. You Remind Me of Someone…
A new guy who started working with me looked just like this other guy I knew, who I also worked with. I mean almost a twin, but a few years younger. The guy was a real timid and quiet guy, but all day long I'm accidentally calling him Tim, the name of the other guy I know. I would apologize, but every time I said it, he would just stare at me with “screw you” written all over his face. Then I found out why.
We go on about the day, go on a few calls, then I get off work. And my boss calls me. Tears me a new one for calling this kid “Tim” all day. Turns out, I didn't get the memo. This was Tim's brother. And Tim passed in a horrible construction accident the week or so before. He never came back to work. I felt terrible. Still do.
39. Honesty Is the Best Policy
In college, I was the office manager for the campus food service, and I shared a tiny office with the director. My senior year, we got a new director who I hadn't met yet. I showed up for work, but had some really bad gas. Unfortunately for me, the restroom was on the far side of the building. I took a quick look out the door, down the hallway and around the corner...there was no one to be seen, so I sat back down and let it rip.
Lots of odor. Small area. No ventilation. You get the picture. Literally two seconds later, much to my apprehension, the new director walks in. He extends his hand and introduces himself: "Hi, I'm Jim” I stand up and stutter for a moment, then, gaining my composure, I speak: "Hey, nice to meet you! Let's go to this other room over here, because—I gotta be honest with you—I just tooted in here and it really stinks." Luckily, he thought it was hilarious.
40. Spill It
The day I first met my fiancé's parents was so awkward. They are so house-proud, and everything in their house is immaculate. Their living room is just for show or entertaining guests, and only worthy guests at that. So his mother made dinner for us, and I knocked my plate of bright orange sweet-and-sour chicken onto their pristine white carpet. Oh, but my nightmare wasn’t over.
In my hasty panic to clean it up, I accidentally pulled the tablecloth, sending more plates of food and glasses of red wine crashing to the floor. The carpet looked like a warzone. My future mother-in-law wouldn't let me clean it up—I guess she thought I'd do more damage). So she scrubbed and scrubbed, but the stains wouldn't budge. I told her to give me the bill for the carpet cleaning service or replacement carpet. She never did, but she also has never invited me to eat at her house again, and generally tries to keep me in the kitchen during visits. My fiancé naturally found all of this hilarious.
41. Family Feud
I was at a family gathering with my significant other. It was mostly relatives of his that I had met, but there was also a lot of older family friends. My boyfriend was coming later in the day, so I was hanging out with his dad and sisters. I was making myself a plate of food when an older lady who was standing with five or six other people who I didn't know asked who I was.
I told them that I was Mike’s girlfriend. They all went silent for a moment before somebody quietly said "Oh…Good for him, I suppose." I went and sat with my boyfriend’s dad and siblings to eat. I was upset, but I didn't want to seem overly sensitive, so I kept it to myself. I noticed a few stares and whispers from some of the more distant relatives.
I thought that there must have been something wrong with me. A little bit later, my boyfriend shows up and I greet him with a hug and a kiss. The old lady in the kitchen noticed and loudly blurted out "Oh! You're that Mike's girlfriend!" That's when I realized that I didn’t specify what Mike I was dating, and they all thought I was dating my boyfriend's 58-year-old dad who is also named Mike.
42. Bathroom Buddies
I was in the bathroom at work pooping, and the stall next to me was occupied by someone who was making quite a bit of noise flipping through a newspaper. I was watching a video on my phone to pass the time, and went to turn the volume off. So I go to press what I thought was the volume DOWN button. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened.
Somehow, I accidentally took a screenshot instead, which then made that loud “shutter” sound. I must have sounded like a total creep. The noise from the newspaper stops, and there's silence in the bathroom. I had to get the heck out of there, so I wipe quickly and exit the stall. The guy next to me exits his stall at the exact same time, though, but luckily it's not someone from work.
We make awkward eye contact for what felt like an hour, then we proceed to wash our hands and pretend like neither one of us existed. I go back to my desk and laugh it off. The CEO comes in and asks everyone into the conference room. He then announces the sale of our company and proceeds to give a five-minute talk. He also says the CEO of the company that purchased us came along to say hi. Of course, in walks the guy from the bathroom. After he gives his little speech, he wants to go around introducing himself to everyone individually. When he came to me, he didn’t speak at all. Haven't seen him since.
43. And That’s the Tea
It was my first week, and this boss was really intimidating because he was the lead IT guy and he really knew his stuff, while I had just gotten out of college. Also, he was immensely rich and didn't talk much. So we all go out for lunch on the Friday to the local restaurant for some team building. I end up sitting at the table with my new boss, an extremely hot auditor girl, and the lead programmer. No biggy, I can keep my cool.
So the waitress comes over to ask us what we want to drink. I tell her I want an orange pekoe tea and she tells me she has never heard of it. After a few laughs, the boss says "He wants a regular tea." No big deal. Again, I’m keeping it together. So she brings me this stupid metal teapot with a spout, and it is full of boiling hot water. I've never used one of these before, but logic tells me that if I want the hot water to come out in an even flow, I need to pour it fast, so it won't dribble down the side of the pot. Nope. Wrong. And yet, because I am an idiot, I persisted.
I'm pouring the hot water very fast, and it starts gushing out all over my arm and all over the table. Everybody is looking at me like I am an idiot, but I insist something is wrong with this tea pot. I try it again and make an even bigger mess. Everybody is now moving their stuff away from the pool of scalding hot water. Then the boss leans over and says, "Let me have a try" and very elegantly begins to pour the hot water into my cup, effortlessly, without spilling a drip. Nothing was said after that, and it was a very awkward lunch.
44. Keep Your Friends Close and These People Far Away
I have an unusual first name that's shared by a well-known celebrity, so needless to say I've heard every stupid joke in the book and it's gotten really old. When I was 18, I decided I was going to stop putting up with it. I was living in NYC with a friend from high school, and one night I went to meet some friends of his, some rich NYU hipsters living in a parentally-funded East Village apartment.
I should have known I couldn't win, but when one of them started in on my name, I said something about how I didn't like people who went right for the obvious joke. I guess I thought they'd respect my confidence or something. Their reply almost made me cry. They coolly said, "I don't need you to like me." The entire room turned on me, and the night never recovered. I left early and met up with people who didn't suck.
45. Coffee Break
I was tired and distracted at work. My boss comes over with a new colleague. “Hey,” he says to me, “This is the new guy, Jack." I get up and splash coffee all over the guy—I had forgotten I was holding a cup of joe when I was trying to shake his hand.
46. Too Close for Comfort
I woke up, and this incredibly attractive woman was standing near my bed. I had a roommate, but he currently wasn't in the room, and my sleep-deprived brain thought the best thing to say was "I didn't order any services, but I'm not going to refuse them." She giggled, and my roommate came in from the other room and glared at me. "That’s my sister, idiot.” I ducked back under the covers, mortified.
47. Getting Along; It’s Not Rocket Science
I was a freshman in college when I met my significant other in a physics class. We were both physics majors in a small program, but I hadn't met any others yet, and at the time he and I had just started to become friends. So, he decided to introduce me to the gang. They were all men, except my SO's sister who, it turns out, hated me. When I walked into the room, she was talking about how much she hated women (I’m a girl, by the way). I was afraid she was going to destroy me.
All the guys are like, “Who are you, female?” I announced I was a physics major, too. I was immediately bombarded with "Do you like Star Trek?" "Which Pokemon is your favorite?” etc. So, I'm surrounded by 6 people I don't know, one who apparently hates me, the rest who are seriously nerding me out, when one of them begins to chant "One of us." And the others picked up on it: "One of us, one of us, one of us, ONE OF US, ONE OF US!" I don't know if I'd ever been so happy or had ever been so afraid for my life.
48. Just Don’t Ask
It was freshman year of college, on the second day of school. I lived in a tree-house dorm that housed 24 people. It was sort of separated from the other dorms, but there was another tree-house next door to ours. Given the intimate environment, it was natural for us to get to know each other. We were walking together to dinner and there was one person in the other dorm who looked androgynous.
I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. I turned to my buddies and they couldn't tell either. I looked out at the bigger group of us walking, and I could see some people staring, probably trying to figure out the same thing. I made my "challenge accepted" stance and decided I would get to the bottom of this mystery. This, obviously, was a very stupid idea.
I approached this person and started a conversation. Oh, where are you from? What classes are you gonna take? And blah blah blah finally leading up to saying, "By the way, what's your name?" Now, at this point I had decided in my mind this was a girl. So when the person answered, "My name is David, what's yours?" I laughed a little and said, "Really? I've never met a girl named David before!"
As I heard the words leave my mouth, I quickly realized the error of my ways but could do nothing about this MALE saying, "I'm not a girl." There was no way to talk my way out of this. No cure for the embarrassment. My buddies were looking on in horror and I just felt absolutely awful for my mistake. I did the best I could—quickly apologized, said I didn't know what I was talking about, and changed the topic.
Sad thing is, later on in the year, David told me that what I had done wasn't the worst he'd ever gotten. He was in a supermarket before coming to college and a woman stopped him in the aisle asking, "How many months are you?" Luckily, over the four years of college, he lost weight and his hormones kicked in and by the time he graduated, he had become much more masculine. Good guy, too, especially for forgiving me!
49. Funny Seeing You Here
One day at work, I stepped on a beehive, and a swarm of bees furiously raged up through my pant leg. Fast-forward 30 minutes, and I wake up in the ER hooked up to an IV with a doctor examining my nether-bits, which had swollen to approximately the size of ripe grapefruits. We had a good laugh...at first. Then he asked why I had listed his daughter as my emergency contact. And that's the first time I met my girlfriend's dad.
50. Party Foul
I met a lovely girl at a party several years ago, and we really hit it off. After about 30 minutes of conversation and flirting, it came up in conversation that I went to the same middle school as her. We went back and forth telling stories about that school, and after a few rounds, it came back to me talking about the nastiest teacher I have ever had.
One day, this teacher brought in a guitar and sang folk songs as a treat to the students. I know that actually sounds like a nice thing to do, but trust me, this was the most evil teacher. We all laughed at her and she stopped playing. That was the short version of the story I told the girl. But when I stopped speaking, her face stunned me.
She was ghost-white. The last thing the cute girl said to me was, "Yeah, I remember that. My mom came home and wouldn't stop crying." Her mom had been the teacher...
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