Family Secrets Too Wild To Come Out
Every family has its fair share of secrets...but usually, they're centered around not letting grandma know you know that her famous meatloaf isn't actually homemade. These families kept secrets that were absolutely beyond the pale.
1. Magnets And Mucus
When my daughter was four years old, she really wanted to play with the strings of magnetic balls I had on my desk. I knew they were intended for children over the age of 12, but she was having a really good time with them, so I let her be. She came up to me about 20 minutes later, saying meekly, "Daddy?" I turned to look at her, and my jaw DROPPED.
I could see that the bottom of one magnet was sticking out her nose. Not knowing how many were up there, I gently used the bigger magnets I had to coax the whole string out. I decided to never share that incident with mom.
2. House Blessing
It wasn’t a secret we kept long, but it does count! My mother is from Thailand, and a convert from Buddhism to Christianity.
Despite this, my mother does have a firm belief in ghosts, especially in cases of sudden, violent acts, as that is an everyday belief in Thailand.
My dad bought a property of thirty acres for cheap from the state, and about six months in, I visited him there.
Around a campfire, he got this mischievous look and told me the most disturbing story. Apparently, the reason the property was so cheap was that the man who had previously owned it set his house on fire and ended his own life with socks on his hands to try and make it seem like his wife did it. The problem was, his house didn’t quite burn fast enough, and the firemen were able to put it out.
They found the body and immediately pegged it as a suicide. He’d been going through a divorce and was just a few aces short of a full deck of cards. My mother would have had a cash cow.
Instead, she’d been living there on and off for six months and there were no spooky hauntings. Eventually, my dad did tell her, and naturally, my mother immediately called a preacher to bless the property.
3. Failed Curveball
When I was a kid, I was playing Tekken 3 in the living room and I kept dying to the boss. So I kicked the window in aggravation, breaking a grid of it, not knowing my own strength. I then panicked and came up with what I thought was a genius plan: I place a baseball in front of the broken window and blamed it on the kids across the street who were my friends. But I made one huge mistake.
I cut my foot in the process and my mom found me trying to clean it. She knew it was me right away, but we were all about to go to Universal Studios and she still wanted to go.
If she told my dad, we wouldn’t have gone as a punishment, so instead, she punished me by taking away the PS2 for a week because I “played too many video games” anyway; even though I had good grades.
My parents divorced a few years later and we to this day never told my dad it was really me. We still went to Universal Studios right after that whole incident.
4. It Wasn't Me
My friends and I were hanging out in a parking lot at night somewhere in our New England town. I had my family car, a 2006 Nissan Pathfinder.
I had recently gotten my license and, of course, in high school, nothing was better than driving around with your friends, blasting music, and hanging out in parking lots.
I had my BB pistol (powered by C02 cartridges) and we were shooting at trees. I turned to shoot the license plate of the Pathfinder in an attempt to look cool—but I messed up BAD: I shot out the back window instead.
One of my friends who was in the car started screaming out of fear and confusion. I realized at that moment how much trouble I’d be in with my parents, so I decided to cover it up.
We drive (with a completely shattered back window) to the RiteAid to grab a dustpan and bag. We swept up all the broken glass and drove downtown to a sketchier part of town. I parked the Pathfinder next to this small graveyard and scattered the glass around to stage a break-in. We gathered ourselves and I got out my flip phone to call my parents. Then I put on the greatest performance of my life.
I fake cried and told them that their car was broken into as we were walking around downtown. My dad drove to meet us at the scene. He didn’t suspect a thing and I was so proud of myself for getting away with that one.
Years later, the story was brought up and I decided to tell my dad the truth. He laughed and told me he knew we were lying when he got there, specifically because of my best friend's face.
Apparently, she looked suspicious as heck…which is hilarious because she was the actress of our group and very involved in theater. Anyway, it always gives me a good laugh to think about that night and my dad's reaction.
He keeps this a secret from my mom (who would not think it’s funny) even to this day.
