These Redditors have plucked up the courage to share their most embarrassing stories ever, and some of them are so cringeworthy—you'll want to disappear. From disastrous first dates to revealing doctors appointments, these awkward moments tick all the boxes: spontaneous sweating, beet-red blushing, and utter mortification.
1. What An Old Wind Bag
I'm not a doctor. I’m a dental hygienist. Back when I first started, I had a client who came in to get her teeth cleaned. She was the sweetest little old lady with tons of energy and was full of life. I got her comfortably seated in the chair, leaned her back, and started scaling away (the dental term for removing plaque/tartar or "bringing the pain").
Halfway through the appointment, I got a terrible feeling. My stomach started to grumble. She poked fun at me for it and we both had a laugh. Minutes later, the grumbles in my stomach made their way down…like way down. It took everything I had not to pass gas with this sweet lady's head between my legs. Despite my best efforts, I had to let it out.
I figured that if it’s going to force its way out, I might as well make it a silent one. I straightened up my posture and leaned ever so slightly towards my tray of instruments to "swap for a new one." I must have miscalculated or something because what was supposed to be silent gas, turned out to be one of those toots that sounds like an earthquake.
That nice old lady looked at me with a look that was one part bewilderment and another part amusement. All she said was, "There you go, dear! Now I don't feel so bad for letting a few go myself out in the waiting room!" Needless to say, she has been my favorite client to this day.
Pexels
2. There’s Got to Be a Better Way to Say “Occupied!”
I was on a train going between London and Manchester (UK) and went to use the bathroom. The toilet at the end of the carriage was disabled-accessible, so it had a wide curved door that automatically opened at a steady and slow pace—about 20-30 seconds to complete, uninterruptible, retracting in a semi-circle to allow wheelchair access to the carriage.
If you've traveled on these trains before, you'll know that to close the door you enter the stall, push a button to close the door, then when it's finished closing, you press another to lock it. Someone had not told this to the lady in the loo. Just as I arrived, another person coming from the other direction pushed the outside button to open the door and it started its inevitable arc.
For at least 30 excruciating seconds, the button pusher, myself—and eventually everyone sitting in the packed commuter carriage beyond who was facing in our direction—got to see the woman bend up from the seat, reach and hop to the other side of the cubicle and desperately pummel the door-close/lock buttons inside. Pants around the ankles the whole time.
White bottom flashing. At a merciless pace, the door opened fully, contemplated its life and then closed on the pitiful image within. The button pusher and I looked at each other, said nothing and went back to our seats.
3. From Bad To Worse
I used to bartend and waitress at a pub back in the day. One evening, a guy came in and sat down at a table for two. I asked him if he wanted a drink. He ordered a drink, then told me that he was waiting for a girl but would like to order food for when she arrived. He waited for a bit while I served him a couple of drinks.
An hour passed. He kept looking at his phone occasionally and drinking. At some point, he finally came up to the bar and told me he thinks he'd been stood up. He ordered a couple more drinks and pounded them back. He was starting to look and sound considerably worse. Still, he ordered a couple more drinks and I told him to wait a bit.
He convinced me to get the drinks for him anyway...by telling me he was just going to drink them and leave. And that's what he did...except, just as he was about to exit, the most unexpected thing happened. Who should walk in at that very moment but his date? She was still wearing scrubs, looking pretty disheveled. She was clearly coming from some kind of medical work.
She apologized for being late. I then got to serve one of the most awkward dates ever. He was completely intoxicated from all the drinks he’d had while waiting. I honestly probably shouldn't have given him that last drink or two. They made some small talk and it was terribly awkward. At one point, he got up and went to the bathroom.
Twenty minutes went by and he didn't come back. Finally, one of the male servers walked up and told her that her date was having some troubles in the bathroom. Apparently, he was sitting on the toilet and bawling his eyes out. We asked her to get him out of there. We called him a cab and she pretty much shoved him into it before running the heck away.
4. Dr. Feel Good
I remember this one patient I had. She was in labor and I had to check her cervical dilation. Now, the way that's done is by doing a digital vaginal exam and estimating the gap with the index and middle fingers in a “V” shape. Most of the time this is pretty routine and, to be honest, the patient is usually too distressed by the contractions to care.
This one patient, however, seemed to respond to my examination in a totally unexpected way. She went from, "Argh! Ouch!" to "Ooh. Mm," very quickly. Needless to say, it took me all I had to keep a straight face.
5. Times Were Tough In The Nineties
My wife was set up on a blind date by a friend several years before I met her. They agreed to meet at a mall and then go from there. This is the late nineties, before cell phones, so he tells her he'll be wearing blue jeans and a Megadeth t-shirt and she tells him her outfit so they can identify each other. She arrives at the mall and sits down to wait.
After thirty minutes there’s still no sign of him. She’s about to leave when a guy approaches her and asks if she's waiting for a date. It's him, but wearing a completely different outfit. Confused, she asks why he told her he'd be wearing something else. His response was absolutely insane. He just shrugged and says his mom didn’t do the laundry yet. Two strikes...
They still decide to grab some food. He tried to use an expired coupon and started an argument with the girl behind the counter. At the table, he asks my wife if she knows how to cook. What meals does she know how to cook? Can she make this or how does she make that etc. The conversation continues but now he adds, "Do you do it naked?" after everything.
For example, she likes to go rock climbing, “but do you do it naked?" Or, I like to grow my own vegetables, "but do you do it naked?" Needless to say, my wife decided to end the date early and leave. He asks if she can lend him bus fare since his mom won't be coming to get him for several hours. He was twenty-seven years old.
r
6. Anxious Love
My first date with my now-husband. Two very anxious people with no dating experience. We decided to go to the library and use their wifi to watch Netflix in the backseat. As soon as we got to the library he got out of the car and threw up in the parking lot. I then admitted to him that I had done the same before he picked me up. He tried to play it off, but we both knew it was nerves.
7. Uno, Dos...Oops
In college, I was applying for a co-op internship at some big corporate company. Of course, like all applicants, I wanted to make myself sound as appealing as possible. I decided to change “Familiar with basic Spanish” to “Proficient Spanish Speaker” on my resume. The job didn’t have anything to do with speaking Spanish as far as I knew, so I figured it was a harmless fudge.
I thought they'd never find out the extent of my Spanish knowledge was the three years I’d taken in high school. Well, I get to the interview. Everything starts out seemingly going well. Until she says, “Oh, you speak Spanish! That’s great!” She said, “We’ve been hoping to find someone to help in our South American division. Let me grab my colleague.”
Before I could respond she leaves the room and quickly returns with a woman who is clearly of Latin descent. The original interviewer says to her “This is him; he says he speaks Spanish well.” I’m sweating at this point—but it was about to get so much worse. The Latina lady looks at me and immediately starts going off in full-speed Spanish.
I could tell she was asking me questions, but have almost no idea what she’s saying. I tried desperately to remember anything left in my brain from high school, but think I just stammered, “Si” a bunch of times while smiling and nodding like an idiot. Eventually, I just said, “Sorry I’m a little rusty, it’s been a while.” She just gave me an annoyed look and left the room.
Needless to say, the rest of the interview was pretty awkward. A decade later, and that remains the only job interview in my life that I didn’t get an offer from. Valuable LPT learned that day: Don’t put anything on your resume you’re not prepared to potentially get called out on. Too bad I had to learn that the very hard way.
8. Release The Floodgates
I used to have to get regular prostate checks. The doctor doing it was a family friend. This one time, I was bent over and when it was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, "I usually make people buy me dinner before doing that." He couldn't help it he started cracking up and his nurse looked shocked. I tried to keep it fun and funny.
I was always coming up with new jokes, every six months when I would go in to visit. This one time wasn’t very funny though. I don’t think anyone was laughing. I was making fun, moaning, and staring into the nurse’s eyes. She looked so pissed off at me and the doctor started laughing. But then his hand started shaking…while he still had his hand you know where.
I couldn’t help it. My bowels relaxed because of his shaking hand and I just let it all out. The unholy motherload. All over him.
9. Blinded By The Dawn
In my second year of college, I was pulling an all-nighter at the same time as one of my friends, who was very cute. We weren't in the same place, but we kept messaging over Facebook. It was really nice just talking with her. I had been single for about two months and was feeling confident. When dawn hit and our papers were done, she asked me out for celebratory breakfast.
I looked like I had just finished an all-nighter, and she looked radiant. As our breakfast went on, we talked, laughed, and the caffeine begins to mix with the satisfaction of completing my work for the semester. I’m feeling like I'm in a really good place. The sun is starting to fill the windows of the restaurant we're in, and there's this warm light everywhere.
She smiles coyly and asks me if I'm over my ex. I smile, say I am and I'm already thinking about who I'd like to ask out next. She smiles even broader and asks me who that is while touching me on the hand. And I said the stupidest thing possible. "Her name is Rebecca and she was in one of my history classes." Distinctly, this was not the girl I was out to breakfast with.
She looked devastated. At the time, I had no idea why. Realizing the mood had changed I quickly said, "I'm sad the semester's ending soon, but I'll see you in the spring!" I ran back to my dorm, ending what I would later learn was the first date with my future wife.
10. Meeting the Family
My cousin used to have a crush on me. She was two years younger than me and she saw something in a movie where the girl surprises the guy by waiting and lying naked in his bed. When I was 20, I was coming home where I live with my grandmother. My cousin came to my grandma’s house and waited on my bed wearing only her underwear and nothing on the top. Pretty bad right? No—this story is so much worse.
My grandmother failed to mention to her that I was bringing my college girlfriend for the weekend. As I was unloading the car, my grandmother offered to show my girlfriend to the room where she was going to be sleeping. But when they opened the door, they found my cousin who started screaming profusely.
11. Series Of Unfortunate Events
This one is sad. I was managing a restaurant at the time and I had a lady in her mid-forties come in dressed pretty nicely. She was not an ugly woman by any means, but she wasn’t overly attractive either. She was super excited to be going on a blind date and she even showed up early for it. She sat down and had a drink while chatting up the bartenders, servers, and myself.
We all really liked this woman. She was super sweet, friendly, and seemed to be having a nice time. But then her date showed up, and everything unraveled. He came in about a half-hour late and was talking on the phone. He sat next to the woman and continued talking on the phone. Finally, he got off the phone and went over to the bar to get a drink.
That was strange since the server would have offered to get one for him anyway. He proceeded to order a drink from the bar, down it, order another, and then just stay there, sitting. The woman tried to have a conversation with him, but he was constantly looking around the room as if he was trying to see if there was anything better that he could be doing.
Finally, when the waitress took their order, he asked for his food to go. When his food came out, he grabbed it, then got up and left. He tried to say something to me about how the woman was not attractive and he had to get out of there. He did it in a way where he tried to get me to agree with him. I just eye-rolled at him while he walked away.
The woman started crying and my entire female staff went over to the table to try and talk to her. I was going to basically let her hang out there all night and get whatever she wanted on the house, but she was too upset and left shortly after. That guy was such a jerk. She was such a sweetheart. It really angered me to see how he treated her.
12. The Last Laugh
I had a date with a girl who asked me out. At the time, this had never happened before, and I was excited. We went for dinner and then picked a bar for a couple of drinks. We went back to my house and she politely informed me that we could chill at my house, but that she doesn’t sleep with people on the first date. "No worries," I told her and we hung out with my roommates and listened to music.
After a couple of hours, she told me she had a great time but that she was going to head home. Since my roommates were home she asked if I would walk her to her car. Once we got out there she leaned in and kissed me. I kissed back and a light makeout session occurred for maybe thirty seconds. We hug and she must have felt my bulge of excitement because she looked down.
I also looked down, and what do I see? My package visibly out of the top of my waistline. She loses it as if it’s the funniest thing she's ever seen. I stammered out an apology as she gets in her car. She never stopped heaving with laughter but said, “I’ll text you.” The joke ended up being on me because I dated that girl for a couple of months until she dumped me on my birthday.
13. Showtimes of Sadness
Back in middle school, my mom drove me to meet a girl at an outdoor mall to see a movie. It was an hour away and my date canceled on me fifteen minutes before. I felt so bad for my mom driving me all the way there that I pretended everything was fine. My mom dropped me off, and I watched a movie by myself. Almost cried but I kept it together.
Pexels
14. It’s the Little Things That Trip You up
I scored an interview for a dream job. I did all of my research about the company, bought a new suit, the whole shebang. I gave the man interviewing me a firm handshake, answered all of his questions easily, and felt pretty confident. After finishing the otherwise flawless interview, we shook hands again, and I said, "Thank you sir." To my horror, she replied: "It’s Ma'am."
15. Number Two Secret
Second date but the first time at his apartment. After a few hours, disaster struck. Normally I’d never go number two at someone’s apartment but it was an emergency. The toilet wouldn’t flush and I ended up wrapping it up in toilet paper and hiding it in my purse! I slept over and the next morning the entire apartment stunk. He never found out thankfully and blamed his roommate for the smell.
16. Save Some Cringe for the Rest of Us
A female friend of mine–to whom I was admittedly attracted–had been expressing her reservations about an upcoming vacation with her family. Though it wasn't being overtly presented as such, the trip was meant as a way of re-solidifying her parents' marriage, which had been more than a touch rocky at the time.
They would all be driving from San Francisco to a small town in Northern California, where they'd stay at a bed-and-breakfast inn for a weekend before continuing northward for some unknown destination. In keeping with the alleged purpose of this so-called vacation, two rooms had been booked at the inn in question.
To her dismay, though, my friend discovered that her mother would be occupying one room, her father would have the other, and that she and her sister would each have to bunk with one of their parents. This was worthy of lament on its own, but it was made unforgivably worse by the verbal diarrhea that I offered in an attempt at providing comfort:
"Aw, it won't be so bad!" I told my friend. "Your father will probably enjoy sleeping with you." A moment passed before I realized what I had said. Then, with a feeling of growing horror, I tried to explain myself. Suddenly, I made it 10 times more awkward. "Wait, I didn't mean it like that!" I hurriedly said. "I mean, like, he's probably sick of sleeping with your mom."
"No, wait, I mean... I just mean that he wants to spend some quality time with his daughter." If I had stopped there, I might have been able to salvage the situation, but as it happened, I decided that the best course of action would be to keep talking. "I can't say that I blame him, really. I'd love to sleep with you." She and I don't talk much these days.
17. Just A Little Tinkle
I was once checking stitches on a patient’s leg. For whatever reason, she was wearing a skirt but had decided to go commando. I’m a professional so that didn’t bother me—it just seemed unsanitary. Then, she sneezed and, well, yeah, it was definitely unsanitary. The force of the sneeze contracted her bladder and squeezed out a little urine…directly onto me.
I stood up and, in an effort to alleviate the tension, she gave an awkward grin and said softly, "I guess I did have to go." I was like, yeah, looks like you did but didn’t say anything to her. I left without a word and cleaned myself up before telling her doctor she was ready.
18. It’s a Big Poop After All
I took my three-year-old son to Disney World for a vacation. Of course, after about an hour in the park, both I and the offspring have to go to use the bathroom. So, we head off to one of the main bathrooms right next to the big castle. I let the boy go first. He performed a nice quick dump, complete with the customary "Good Job!" compliment from me, as we were still reinforcing the potty training mantras.
Then, I of course sit down and perform my own glorious number two, complete with a nice long "squeaky door" fart which had the offspring in hysterics. At this point, the child starts screaming out in a voice that can only be described as booming "GOOD JOB DADDY! YOU'RE THE BEST POOPER I KNOW!" This, of course, led to various chuckles from within the long line of stalls populated by other fathers. The chuckles ended up turning into outright boisterous laughter. I was so proud of my pooping abilities and so glad to finally be getting some widespread recognition for this special talent of mine.
Well, I'm a somewhat shameless person, so I clean up and go wash my hands to find that I'm now getting many nods of approval from everyone in the can who had heard the interchange. I was the best pooper at Disney World that day and was somehow both internally embarrassed and outwardly entertained at the same time. And no one can ever take that away from me.
19. Good Grief
My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had passed the previous year from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, "Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!"
The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn't been back to the church since their son passed. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn't end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what "polite adult conversation" was like.
20. Drips Of Love
I met a girl through mutual friends, and we drifted in and out of each other’s lives for a few years. I finally asked her out, and we had a romantic dinner at an outdoor cafe. It was a beautiful late summer evening and everything was going really well. We head back to my place and start kissing on my bed when I feel something warm drip from my nose.
I was having a nose bleed and it was already dripping on her upper lip. I was horrified and tried to wipe it off my face, and hers, which just smeared it, and then ran to the bathroom for kleenex and a washcloth. She was polite but promptly informed me that she was leaving and wouldn’t let me walk her to her car.
As she walked out the front door, she turned and said, “It’s really too bad, because I was in a REALLY good mood tonight.” Then she was gone, and I headed to a bar to drown my sorrows. Somehow we’ve been together almost 10 years and married for six. Love you, sweetheart.
Unsplash
21. Sweep This Under The Rug
I’m not a doctor. This story comes from a good friend of mine who is a doctor though. Generally, the main question that hospital staff face when talking about work is, "What's the weirdest thing you've found in someone during an x-ray?" Well, this one old fella came into the ward via an ambulance and clearly didn't need an x-ray.
The guy’s problem was obvious from the minute he set foot in the hospital. He had a giant broomstick handle stuck in his bum. Usually, when questioned about these kinds of awkward situations, people come up with loads of excuses. But when hospital staff asked this old what happened he did not even try to come up with a tall tale.
"Well,” he started, “I was riding the [heck] out of this broomstick, holding onto the washing machine for support. But when I finished, my knee gave out. I slipped and it went right up in me. I tried to pull it out but couldn’t reach around to grab it with both hands so thought it best to come to you guys seeing as you've got to sort my knee out anyway."
22. Love Stinks
I wouldn’t call this a date, but it led to us dating later. We were friends at work and would go walking at this big park near the office. Afterward, we occasionally bought bottled water from Stop N Go. One night after a walk, the lot was full so I had to park at least 10 or so parking spaces from the front doors. On this particular night only I went in to buy water, and she waited in the car.
I buy the water and come out of the store and notice that she has both of the windows halfway down. It’s a chilly fall evening, and I remember the windows had been up when I got out of the car. So I get in and it reeks of horrendous gas. She’s frantically apologizing but I can’t stop laughing, and soon neither can she. That was the moment I knew we could be more than friends.
23. No Need to Be Catty
This was during my hot mess college phase. I got very drunk on a date, blacked out completely, and then puked all over my then-boyfriend (now husband)—as well as the washroom and bedroom. I woke up wearing fresh clothes. He explained everything that had happened after me begging him to tell me. When he finally did tell me, it was so embarrassing that my face went bone white.
Apparently, I started trying to exorcise demons out of him and just projectile vomited everywhere. He managed to get me to drink some water, bathe me, get me to bed, and then deep clean the room and washroom. I was so embarrassed after. The only memory I have of that night is his cat looking at me with concern and judgment.
24. Mistaken Identity
I was so embarrassed for this doctor. Many years ago, I had a suction lipectomy done on my neck to remove excess fat. When I went back for a post-surgical follow-up, the doctor asked me to remove my blouse and bra. Never having been shy or modest around medical professionals, I figured he must have needed to see my neck in relation to the rest of my chest.
So, I happily disrobed and was standing there with my “stuff” hanging out when he realized that he had the wrong patient. He had confused me with someone else who had gotten an…implant surgery. He calmly asked me to put my clothes back on, and apologized for mistaking me for the other patient. I got a good chuckle out of it.
But the doctor was blushing like crazy.
Pexels
25. Just Desserts
I chose a dessert shop for a first date. Wanting to be a gentleman when the bill came, I told her, "No, it was great getting to know you. I got this." I tried to play it real cool—and ended up looking like an idiot. Walk up to pay with my debit card, and it's cash only. I don't have any cash and embarrassingly walked back to ask her if she did. I made it up with a second date on my dime, but we ended up not being compatible.
26. A Black and White Issue
I was officiating a soccer game of 15-year-old boys. The teams’ respective colors were RED and WHITE. There was one African American boy on the Red team. As the game progressed, it got more dangerous and out of hand. At half-time, I informed both benches that I would be calling the game tight, and that the next flagrant foul would not go unpunished.
30 seconds into the 2nd half, the African American boy had a hard foul. I blew my whistle very aggressively and yelled, "TAKE A REST BLACK!" After realizing what I had said, I immediately tried to correct myself. I stumbled over every word. The damage was already done. One player on the other team said to me, "Not cool dude.”
27. Knock, Knock
I created a pretty awkward situation for my surgeon once. When I was 21, I broke my back in a car accident. I had pretty gnarly back surgery (fused vertebrae, rods, and pins inserted in my spine, etc.). Part of my recovery involved regular check-ups with my surgeon. I didn’t mind that because the receptionist at his office was way cute.
Every time I went in for my check-up, I got the vibe that she was into me. I was too chicken to ask her out so I did some research first. I asked the doctor during one of my visits if he knew if she had a boyfriend. He pretty much told me he didn't really get into her personal life. I could respect that. It was their workplace.
Fast forward a few weeks. I saw her at a bar and started chatting with her. We sort of hit it off and exchanged numbers before going our separate ways. We set up a date about a week later to go to the beach. It went well, and she invited me over to her dad's place. She said that he would be grilling some steaks and had plenty to go around.
Well, when I got to her house, I wanted to be the one on that grill. Who answers the door? My bloody surgeon. I think it was as awkward for him as it was for me.
28. Falling In The Rain
In my freshman year of college, I went on a first date with a guy from my Italian class. We had dinner and were walking around when it started to drizzle. I was wearing ballerina flats with no grip. I took one step on the wet cobblestones and my foot shot out from under me. I landed on my back, hard. Mortified, I stood up quickly.
He asked if I was okay, and I remember saying I felt queasy. The next thing I knew I’m regaining consciousness in the gutter. I eventually got up and finished our date at the student health center. Turns out I'd broken my tailbone. I had to sit on a donut cushion in class for the next two weeks. Unfortunately, there was no amore.
s
Pexels
29. A Super Screwup
Back in high school, I had a job as a web designer at a small webshop servicing non-profit organizations. My bosses didn't let on that I was as young as I was, and they handled all the face-to-face client meetings. My job basically entailed designing and preparing the website for our clients. One of our big clients was Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation.
I sliced up the site and put in filler text, knowing full well that only people coming from our internal IP would be able to see the development. I should mention that my company was small, close-knit, and had a great (albeit vulgar) sense of humor. Rather than going the standard lorem ipsum route, I did what ended up being the worst thing imaginable.
I instead filled in something along the lines of "Herp derp I'm Christopher Reeve, I drive myself with a straw. Weaknesses include kryptonite and falling off horses." It got worse, but I'll let your imaginations fill in the blanks. There were about four paragraphs of filler text. I came into work after school one day and all three of my company's owners/my bosses were waiting for me.
I thought they were pulling some prank, but they asked me to come into their office. At this point, I knew something was definitely up. My boss: "Chris and Dana saw the site." Me: "What? Who?" Him: "CRPF. Chris and Dana Reeve. The director wanted to show them the progress. Apparently he didn't check before he showed it to him in person."
At this point I think my stomach hit the floor and kept going straight on to the Earth's core. My boss told me he'd let me know what the next steps were, but just to know that I was in deep, deep trouble. Anyway, I didn't get fired (despite how adamant Dana Reeve was about that fact) and I had to write an apology to the Reeves.
I found out later that Chris actually had a pretty solid sense of humor and thought it was funny. RIP, Mr. and Mrs. Reeve.
30. Better Late Than Never
My first date was when I was twelve years old and living in Germany. I took the bus to the air force base she lived on, and I was going to be early. Walking to her house I realized I didn’t remember the apartment number, and all the buildings looked exactly the same. I said hello to a lot of confused people that night after knocking on their door.
By the time I found her, I was really late and she was upset. We went to a dance where the boys I knew made terrible fun of me for having a date, and her friends were also being completely terrible. The night ended with her crying and me wanting to crawl into a hole forever. Petra, if you are out there somewhere, I am sorry.
Pexels
31. Hold Your Own
I went to the doctor to get an x-ray done on my back. I heard the woman working the machine instruct me to, "Hold [your] breasts," as her hand hovered over the button. Horrified, I grabbed both my breasts in absolute panic, not understanding what the x-ray machine could possibly do to them. Then the woman broke out laughing hysterically.
"No, sweetie!” she said, “Your breath! Hold your breath!" I am so stupid.
Unsplash
32. Downward-Devil
I recently started going to Church again. In January, I went to a college-aged member’s event, and while I was standing in line to get in, I started chatting with the people around me. We were talking about New Year's resolutions and working out. One girl suddenly piped up, "But be careful of yoga! Some of the positions are for worshiping the Devil!" My reaction couldn't have been worse.
I howled with laughter and then cracked a joke about downward dog being suggestive of a bedroom act. Unfortunately, it turned out she was very serious. She looked absolutely horrified. She stepped away from me like I was going to contaminate her, and then quoted some scripture that apparently connected to yoga.
33. All Good Dogs Get A Second Date
A woman asked me on a date to a dog park bar. I told her my dogs don't travel well so it would just be me. I arrived and she also didn't bring her dog and tells me she's a recovering alcoholic. So we're at a dog park bar with no dogs and no drinking. The date only lasted twenty minutes before she began crying about how she'd ruined everything and ran to her car.
34. You Make My Heart Skip A Beat
I was in the hospital a couple of months ago for chest pains. The various specialists that I saw subjected me to many scans and tests because I have a heart condition. They even had to give me special medication to lower my heart rate for a CAT scan. But this one specialist wasn’t helping my situation, whatever it may have been.
He was just so cute and every time he walked back into the room my heart rate would spike. Eventually, the other specialists had to kick him out. We all had a good laugh about it.
35. Rain On Me
I was on a first date with a girl and it was going really well. We'd only met the day before but we were vibing and I was feeling confident and optimistic. We were sitting near the front of the bar when she asked if I could pass the water. With my surge of confidence, I decided it would be funny to hold it over her head.
I thought it was even funnier to pretend to drop it on her head. Then my hand slipped, and I actually poured the whole jug of water on her head. In front of the whole bar. Pretty sure she understood it was an accident, but by that point, the damage was done, and there were several tables of people laughing at us.
36. There’s A 50% Chance It’s Raining
Before I got into medical school I worked as an orderly in an ER. At the time, the university hospital was getting all the "good" trauma and we got the routine stuff. Some of the younger and more enthusiastic nurses really wanted the more “challenging” cases, the kind of stuff you see in movies. They were a little too eager for it, maybe.
This one day, an old guy came into the triage office and the nurse asked him what his chief complaint was. The man answered, "I was shot—,” and before he could finish, the nurse leapt into action. She called out a trauma code on the intercom overhead and demanded a stretcher. All of a sudden, everyone came in running and threw this old guy down on the stretcher, and began racing him to the trauma room.
Everyone was in full “TV nurse” mode. The nurse started cutting off the man’s shirt and yelled, "Sir, where were you shot?" The man, a little confused at this point, yelled back, "In Korea!" We all looked at each other and slowly came to a halt in the hallway. Everyone turned to the nurse, who was looking quite sheepish.
The old guy looked around and continued, "My knee hurts when it's going to rain.” On second thought, it was quite an awkward moment for the nurse.
37. The Crown Jewel of the Aisle
I was working nights at this liquor store. I step outside to smoke then I go back in and I get to stocking shelves. Well, for a reason I still do not understand, I got Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me" stuck in my head. I have no idea why...this was in like 2004, long after Jewel's career had peaked and faded. Anyway, I'm all high and singing Jewel...loudly...while stocking the cooler when I decide to have fun with it and sing it almost as though it was a YouTube apology video.
So now I'm cry-singing Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me " at the top of my lungs, when a customer pops their head around the corner and says, "Um...are you open...and are...are you OK?" Apparently, our door beeper had gone on the fritz...I tried to explain I was just stoned and fooling around...but they were having none of it and continued to look at me as though I'd lost my damn mind, not just for the remainder of that transaction, but since they were a regular for years after.
38. Funny You Should Say That...
One of my animal shelter buddies messaged me some text and two pictures over Facebook. I didn't scroll up to the text; I only saw the one pic, which was a very funny looking dog. It was a fat Chihuahua that had a very bewildered look on its face. I replied "LMFAO" and then forgot about it. A couple of hours later, I looked again. I actually scrolled up that time and saw the text. That's when my horrific mistake dawned on me.
It provided backstory to the picture of the funny-looking dog. A man had passed and my friend was trying to rehome his two dogs…to which I had replied LMFAO. So, I'm an idiot. I tried to explain and apologize, but I still think she's a bit salty about that.
39. Two Can Play At That Game
I once was a server at a very upscale French restaurant in New York City. One evening, a middle-aged man and a younger woman were seated in my section, clearly on a date. You could tell that this woman was his mistress by the way they interacted with each other. They were high maintenance, but pleasant enough nonetheless.
Right after they had received their entrees, the man looked across the way to another table and lost all the color in his face. His date noticed, and she turned to see what he was looking at. Her jaw dropped to the floor. The man's wife was at another table, also on a date with her side piece, on the other side of the restaurant. The wife saw him and had the same expression on her face, which very quickly turned into rage.
She briskly walked over to his table and started whisper-yelling at him, as well as pointing her finger right in his face. He started to do the same back at her. It wasn't a very big restaurant, so everyone could see what was going on and the atmosphere got icy real fast. The man's date was just staring down at her plate, absolutely mortified.
She basically pretended nothing was happening and continued eating. Eventually, the wife stormed back over to her table and wolfed down her dinner. No exaggeration, she was like rage eating. He sat down and his mistress wouldn't speak to him for the rest of the meal. This was a fine dining restaurant and they ordered multiple courses. Having to clear, crumb, and reset their table two more times was less than fun.
He left a very big tip though and apologized on the way out.
40. Doctor Handsy
This was mildly awkward I guess for everyone involved. I was the patient in this case. I went to the hospital to have a cyst removed from my armpit. I suppose because the armpits are so close to the chest, they needed to give me a breast examination to make sure there was nothing bad going on there. I didn’t make a big deal of it.
So, there I was in one of those ghastly gowns. The curtain twitched aside and in came a young male doctor and a female nurse (I guess male doctors are not allowed to examine female patients without another person present). The nurse, on one side, held my hand and made small talk in an effort to distract me from being embarrassed. It was kind of awkward anyway.
It got really awkward when my nipples became really pointed. I was blushing from head to toe. The poor doctor who probably hadn’t examined many younger women slipped up. He said, "You have lovely breasts. Uh…healthy breasts." The nurse (she was of a certain age where she had clearly didn’t tolerate any nonsense) was still holding my hand and I felt her grip tighten.
I looked up and she was giving him this frightening glare in awkward silence. The doctor blushed as much as me. Those few seconds felt like an eternity—they were probably worse for the doctor. The nurse told me I would be transferred to another ward later and to relax.
Unsplash
41. This One Holds Some Weight
The last time I was at my doctor's office, I was kept waiting in the exam room for a really long time. Like long enough to go through all three magazines in the room. Eventually, severe boredom set in and I started looking for other things to do to pass the time. There was a scale in the corner of the room, so I thought, “What the heck? Let’s weigh some stuff!”
I started with my shoes, and eventually moved on to the magazines and my clothes. When I ran out of personal stuff, I surveyed the room and decided that I would like to know how much a chair weighed. So, I picked up the doctor’s huge chair and placed it on the scale to investigate. This was the exact moment when the doctor and her resident decided to enter the room. There I am, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and socks, balancing a chair on a scale for no apparent reason…
At least I was able to satisfy my curiosity!
42. Rain Or Shine
My girlfriend and I planned a nice picnic/fishing daytime date. Everything was out on our blanket by the river when it started to rain. It wasn’t a small sprinkle, but instead was turning into a full storm. We were quickly trying to gather our belongings and get into the car. Once everything was in the trunk I slammed it shut.
The very instant I heard it click I remembered inside the tackle box were the car keys. The rain was only getting worse, and we had no keys or cell phones. The closest phone was about a mile away, in someone’s farmhouse. The only other keys were thirty miles away, in the possession of her dad. So we started walking that mile, and I’ll let you figure out the rest.
Unsplash
43. It Takes Three To Tango
We had a middle-aged lady come in with a gentleman. They asked for three menus. I went over to the table to introduce myself and asked if they were waiting for one more. The woman said no. She stated that her husband was with them. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. Those at the table then ordered drinks.
When I came back to drop off their glasses, she said her "date" was in the bathroom. The lady explained to me that her husband had passed a few years ago and that this guy, a friend of hers, kept asking to go out. So she reluctantly said yes but insisted that her deceased husband come with them. This is why they had three menus at the table.
She instructed me to bring her husband up as often as possible and to act as if I knew him. She also told me to make sure I asked if he was having anything for dinner when I took their dinner order. She would refer to him just as if he was sitting right there. I then heard her tell the guy that he tried too hard and that he was kind of mean.
I do not miss working in the restaurant industry.
44. Are We Not Doing Phrasing Anymore?
So, I was delivering booze to a friend's place. He was having a drunken party and I thought I’d be nice. Anyway, his buddy spills a half a tumbler of scotch down my shirt. I had to get to work so I take off and hit one of those drinking and driving stops. Of course, the officer is like, "Whew, and how much have you had to drink?"
Me: "Nothing, my friend spilled scotch on me." Officer: "Uh-huh." ME: "Fine, Blow me. You'll find the truth." Officer: "Excuse me!?" Me, thinking: "Annnd, this is how I go to the slammer." Me: "OH! Nononono. I mean, blow me, the thing, the straw you blow into." Officer proceeds to laugh, gives me a breath test and I blow 0.0. On with my day. Hah.
45. Smell Ya Later
Many years ago, I was talking to a girl on a voice chat line. We ended up wanting to meet in person, so I drove to her house. From my place, it took about 50 minutes, and then we went out to eat. Later in the evening, we decided to get a hotel room for some fun. She gets on the bed, pulls off her jeans, and my god I have never smelled anything worse.
I end up standing at the edge of the bed trying to explain to her why I don't want to get on the bed for what felt like five minutes. Then she asks, is it a smell issue? I could not have been happier to hear her say that, because now all I had to do was say yes. I told her this was not going to work out. I took her home and blocked her number.
3
46. Hello, Operator?
I worked on the switchboard at a major hospital. The calls are normally pretty straightforward. But I had this one lady call up with the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She was saying that she had spinal fluid coming out of her nose. I had to somehow explain—to an adult—that the fluid coming out of her nose was mucous.
It was an awkward phone call for both of us.
47. That’s What I Call Smooth Steering
Driving my car through traffic. Have little trial sized hand lotion in my center console and my hands are dry-ish, so I dispense the recommended amount and start rubbing it in. Traffic moves and I have to steer, accidentally get some lotion on my steering wheel. Which is leather. Now the part I touched is shiny and the rest isn't.
Don't like the way that looks so I dispense more lotion and start working it into the leather. Now, this makes the rest of the leather bits look dull and pretty soon I am all in with this, lotioning whatever I can reach. Casually glance to my left, and there is a car full of people staring directly at me, eyes wide, as I thoroughly massage the interior of my vehicle like some sort of Buffalo Bill-esqe auto enthusiast.
48. I’ve Got A Bright Idea
A friend of mine had just graduated from nursing school and was working in a hospital. One night, they had a man come in with a very unique problem. Apparently, this guy had shoved an ordinary household lightbulb up his bum. I’m not sure what the guy was thinking. The sun might not shine down there but maybe a halogen bulb will?
Anyway, to make matters worse, the bulb had shattered. My friend spent hours shining a light up this guy’s bum which was held open with spreaders and helping the doctor as he removed shards of the lightbulb.
49. Playing Ketchup
To preface, I work in a restaurant where we make our own ketchup and some people just don't like it. Fine, whatever—if you're nice, I'll bring you the secret Heinz ketchup as long as you don't tell anyone. Anyway, a woman was seated at my table looking super excited. She told me she was on a blind date. She ordered a drink and waited anxiously. How cute, right? Wrong.
The dude showed up on his phone, completely ignoring the hostess. He eventually made his way to the beautiful woman waiting for him. He continued to talk on his phone for like fifteen minutes. When he finally hung up, I went over to the table. He tried to order for her, which obviously embarrassed her. For himself, he ordered a well-done steak and fries.
When I brought it to him, he asked for a very specific brand of ketchup. When I informed him that we didn’t have it, he grunted and said he had some ketchup packets in his truck. As soon as he walked out the door, she asked for her half of the check and her food to go. I helped her leave out the side door before he could even come back. It was awkward serving him after that.
He used seven ketchup packets.
50. Fly Away While You Can
I fainted at the zoo on a first date in the butterfly room. I have always had an irrational phobia of moths but I love butterflies. I didn't realize a beautiful "butterfly" almost the size of my face was, in fact, a moth. The second he corrected me, everything went black and I was down. I should have known that the moth was just too big. It was almost the size of my face. We still dated for almost six months afterward.
51. You’ve Got a Friend in Me
I knew a couple who invited all of their Facebook friends to their wedding. They were expecting about 700 people to show up, and they prepared the banquet hall accordingly. In the end, less than a hundred showed up. I guess they learned the hard way that not all of their Facebook “friends” were actually their friends in real life. Awkward!
52. The Real Accident
I made the mistake of moving over the holidays last year. I was emptying out my bedside dresser of clothes and whatnot. My top drawer had two large open boxes of rubbers inside. I stuffed ribbons of protection into my pockets and left. Lo and behold, I'm involved in a major car accident on my way to the new house.
One short ambulance ride later, I'm in a private Emergency Room with just a nurse, my girlfriend, and myself. My girlfriend had to remove my pants. But first, she had to remove everything from the pockets. So there she is, glaring at me as she pulls more than thirty ribbons of rubbers out of my pocket in front of the nurse. I swear, it looked like a magic trick. They just wouldn't stop coming out…
53. Come Again?
I’m not a doctor but I had a really awkward experience with one. I gave myself a hernia when I was lifting an extremely heavy gate. I went to the hospital and, for whatever reason, they had to conduct an ultrasound on my testicles. The doctor was a female which was fine with me because, I assumed, she was a professional and we were both adults.
Anyway, when she was applying the gel to my balls I said, "That feels weird." I only said it because I thought it might be relevant. She stopped immediately and said, "Did you just say that feels good?" I must have turned lobster red. I was like, "No, weird. It feels weird." What followed was the most awkward silence of my life.
Pexels
54. Popping The Question
It was my first day as a server at a sushi restaurant. I was 17 years old at the time with minimal people skills. I had just checked in an older woman, possibly in her early 60s or late 50s, with a young man who couldn’t have been older than 25. Midway through their meal, I went to check up on them, asking, “Awww, are you taking mom out today?”
They both turned to me with straight faces and the young man answered, “She’s my girlfriend.” I whispered an apology and just peeled myself away...
55. Behind Door Number One…
I’m an ER doctor. I had a really awkward experience when I was in training. I had a chart in the rack with a chief complaint of psychiatric evaluation. As soon as I picked it up, some of the older nurses in the department started giggling. I had no idea why until I opened up the curtain to the room. I’ll never forget the experience.
In front of me was a relatively normal-looking female in her 20s. As soon as I started asking her basic questions, I knew something was off. She was providing very bizarre answers. Then, out of nowhere, she took her hand and reached under the blanket and her gown towards her back. Her hand came up with a fistful of poop.
She then proceeded to go straight to her mouth with it. It caught me so off guard I actually started laughing and walked directly out of the room and called the on-call psychiatrist. The nurses outside had been laughing because this wasn't the first time she had been in for similar behavior.
56. Save Water, Drink Prosecco
On the first date, we were having dinner at a nice Italian restaurant and he asked for a lemon slice with his Prosecco. In his defense, he thought he was ordering sparkling water, but the waitress gave him a weird look. Later he made a hand gesture and sent his drink flying across the table and onto the back of the patron at the next table.
57. Monkey See, Monkey Poo
When I was about four or five a few of my cousins were over visiting and we were swimming in the pool. I always really looked up to them because they're 8-12 years older than me and of course I wanted to emulate them. So, we're swimming in the pool when my cousin Jonathan decides to rip a massive fart underwater.
Obviously, being the kids we are, this is hilarious and Nathaniel (other cousin) and I try to out-fart Jonathan. Nathaniel farts a few times and we busted a gut laughing and now it's my turn to save face and become "one of the guys." I strain and strain and a few little toots blossom forth but nothing great. The guys are really egging me on now and I start to push harder than ever in an attempt to be cool.
"At last!" I thought, as my sphincter stretches apart for what I'm sure is about to be the most epic fart ever seen by my cousins. It was poop. In the pool. I just remember laughing so hard even though my swimming shorts were housing a log of brown polonium. My cousins were in absolute hysterics. I got out of the pool, still laughing, and proceeded to tell my mother what happened.
She grabbed the garden hose, turned it on full blast, and roared, "If you're gonna behave like an animal then you're gonna be cleaned like an animal!" I was then blasted with 55F water. I'm 22 now and I still haven't lived this down and I swear that this story is told at least once at every family get-together we've ever had since. It's not so embarrassing now because I was so young, but I still cannot believe that I did it.
58. It Wasn’t Me
I'm a very anxious person. I went to see my doctor about said anxiety and whilst sitting there listening to him talk about medication, I was of course beginning to feel increasingly more anxious. An immediate symptom of anxiety is sweaty hands, and so I was sitting there with my hands becoming clammy and I was holding them together on my knees.
When it came to my turn to talk, I anxiously squeezed my clam-hands together and made a very authentic sound of passing gas. I didn't really know what to do so I sort of made an "Oh!" expression and said sorry. He said it was fine but it was on my mind the rest of the day. I still think about it.
59. Read The Room
My date took me to a bookstore. At first, I thought it was sweet because I said how much I like to read. We find books by an author I like and he picks them up and tells me he’s buying them for me. I ask him not to but he heads to the cash register. I wait outside mortified, and when he brings me the books, he’s somehow surprised that I’m uncomfortable.
The rest of the date was supposed to be pizza at his house and a movie. I knew him through mutual friends so I thought I would be safe. On the couch, as I sat further away, he kept trying to snuggle closer. I’m getting more uncomfortable, and go to the bathroom to take a breath and think of an exit strategy. When I open the door, he’s standing in the hall.
He compliments my dress and asks me to twirl, which I hesitantly do. Then he says “hold on” and grabs and grabs scissors before going towards my legs. I’m freaking out and he doesn’t see why! Turns out he’s trying to trim a loose thread on my dress but went about it the wrong way. He was mad at me for not wanting a second date.
60. Attaboy
I'm not a doctor but an ophthalmic assistant. Part of my job is poking people in the eye with a tiny ultrasound "pen" (tonometer) to test eye pressures. It's not too uncommon for people to faint during this test, because they hold their breath or just get freaked out from sitting still having their eyes poked. It’s a common phobia.
I was administering this test to a young man, around 18 years old, while his father was in the room. His dad was going to pay for laser eye surgery and was there for support. Well, despite playing brave, the kid fainted. He fainted right into my chest. My chest was huge at the time because I was three months pregnant, so he got a soft landing.
I would normally catch a patient and assist accordingly, but this kid just fell forward before I could catch him. I dropped my pen and put my hands on his shoulders to push him back into the chair. Then he moaned, then kind of rolled his head side to side, with his face disappearing into my lab coat. All the while his dad was in the room, staring, stunned, and wide-eyed.
After the kid recovered (his dad finally stood up and helped me get his head between his knees) he was a little disoriented and glazed. He looked at his dad, who said "Attaboy." I nearly fainted from embarrassment.
Pexels
61. Budget Blues
This happened on my one-year anniversary date with my high school boyfriend. We decided to go to a nice restaurant, and before the date, he called to ask how much he should budget for dinner. I told him 80 dollars. Everything goes great until he asks for the bill. While looking at it, he quietly asks how much money I brought.
I didn’t realize he had also asked a friend how much money to bring and followed their advice instead of mine. He was 15 dollars short, and this was before the age of everyone having debit cards. We called my dad to explain what happened and ask for help with the promise of paying him back. Dad came to the rescue and told this story at our wedding.
62. On the Fence
In eighth grade, I tried to hop over a little miniature fence by the gym area to impress the boy I liked. Needless to say, I did not make it, and instead ripped the whole back of my pants apart, exposing my prepubescent behind to my fellow peers. I also fell forward and smacked my face into the concrete below the fence.
Needless to say, when the boy expressed his lack of interest in me to his friends, I was not surprised.
63. Speaking from the Heart
The most cringeworthy thing that I have ever seen at a wedding was not the fault of the bride or groom, but of the bride’s father. I was the best man at this wedding, so I had a front-row seat for the entire thing. The couple was marrying young after the bride had fallen pregnant. It obviously wasn’t planned, but they clearly loved each other and it was the right thing for them to do in their eyes.
Anyway, come the wedding day, I’m sitting next to the bride's father at the reception and I can see he’s looking at his prepared speech repeatedly. I can see phrases like "not ideal," "would’ve preferred not to welcome you into the family under these circumstances," etc. Just before the groom gets up to give a speech, the bride’s father excuses himself to use the washroom, leaving his "speech" behind.
I knew that something needed to be done before he turned the entire wedding into a nightmare. I’m not ashamed to say that I swiped the speech and then pleaded ignorance when he returned and asked what had happened to it. In the end, he stood up and muttered a few generic words about love and then sat down without any issues. I never told the groom, and I’m happy to say that they’re still happily married twenty years later.
64. Some Like It Rough
I had a woman come in complaining of pelvic pain once. Her boyfriend accompanied her and suddenly became nervous and uncomfortable when I asked her when the pain developed. She said it started about a week before when she and her boyfriend were having a romp in the sack. I was like, yeah, definitely time for the pelvic exam.
I noticed that when I started the pelvic exam, the boyfriend bolted out of the examination room. Turns out, the patient had a vulvar hematoma. Maybe don't Google image search that if you're queasy. It's trauma typically seen with bicycle accidents when a patient hits the seat. Hard. That wasn’t the awkward part though.
The awkwardness was in telling the boyfriend to take it easy.
65. Shrinkage?
A very attractive nurse friend of mine had to give an old guy in his 80s a bath on her second day on the job. She was nervous about the whole thing so one of the older nurses tried to comfort her. She told her that there wasn’t anything to see, everything down below would be shriveled, and that she would get accustomed to it pretty quickly.
My friend took that as fact. She mustered her courage and went to disrobe the old man to get him ready for the bath. When the robe dropped, however, she got the shock of her life. Apparently, the old guy was still packing some heat—seven inches on the flop. He must have been proud because he was grinning from ear to ear.
66. Lost In Translation
When I was, maybe 14 years old, my family and I went on vacation to the Dominican Republic. First, let it be known that place is awesome. Such a good time. What I was unaware of though, was that it was also a huge European vacation destination. Well a day or two goes by and I'm pretty bored. All I've done is spend time with my family, and of course, normal 14-year-old me knows vacations aren't meant to be spent with the family!
Finally, I see a group of English children who look to be about my age playing soccer (football) on this field within the resort. Well, genius me decides these kids are not going to like me unless I'm English. So what do I do? I decide, by god, I'm going to become English and hang out with these guys. So I approach them and it actually goes a lot better than I thought.
I end up spending most of my time hanging out playing football with these chaps. It was awesome, I legit had these kids thinking I was English, they introduced me to their (topless) sisters and mums, and I genuinely liked these people. Unfortunately, I held a dark secret that finally surfaced on the second to last day.
Pretty normal day, we're all hanging out playing ping pong, everybody's shouting having a good time, I'm shouting, of course in my English accent, when all of a sudden my WHOLE American family shows up behind me asking what I was doing...in front of all my new friends.....and their topless mums and sisters. Ugh, I have never felt more shame EVER...
Just seeing ALL those looks of confusion and disappointment (and of course pure laughter from my dad and sister). To this day I still haven't lived that incident down. Eight years and they still give me heck...Make sure your American family isn't standing behind you while you lie to a bunch of English people...about being English...
67. Embarrassment Sunny Side Up
I had been chatting up this really awesome dude and he invited me over to hang out one night. At the time I didn't have a bank account and just kept cash on me. On my way there I ask if I can stop and pick up anything from the store, and he replies that drinks would be good. I ended up spending a fantastic night with him cuddling.
The next morning, I invited him to get breakfast with me. Breakfast is going great until the check comes. I grabbed my wallet to pay, and completely forgot I spent all my cash on drinks the night before. I wanted to fall through the floor. I’m apologizing while asking him to cover breakfast promising I’ll pay him back that afternoon.
He explains he didn't bring his wallet because I said I wanted to treat him. He tells the cashier that he lives nearby and just needs to go home and grab his wallet. I had to be at work soon, but offered to drive him back. He assured me it was fine and he would just walk back. We were laughing, but I was mortified on the inside.
68. Would You Do It For A Scooby Snack?
When I was working sales I completed an intricate order with a guy from the manufacturing side. Once it was done, he invited me out to dinner to celebrate. I had never met him before, but we had spoken so much through phone and email, I said sure. We ended up meeting at a chain restaurant. As soon as I saw him I knew the night would be awkward.
Honestly, he looked the way I expected...except that he was dressed head to toe in Scooby-Doo gear. A grown man was wearing matching Scooby clothes, including a hat. The minute we sat at our table, he started talking about Scooby-Doo. He asked me what my favorite episode was, my favorite character, and with whom do I identify the most.
This was over the top, and he did not talk about anything else, even when I changed the subject. I remember looking over at a table where another couple sat, holding hands and laughing with each other, and thinking "that must be nice" as he began telling me about his Scooby-Doo collectibles and their values. When my food arrived, I immediately asked for a box.
He went quiet, and I could tell he knew the date was done. We split the bill and as I walked out to my vehicle, he said, "We're not going out again, are we?" I told him no, we aren't, and he wished me well before walking away. I honestly felt bad for him. He knew what he was like but just couldn't help it. Nice guy, but I couldn’t cope. I hope he eventually found his Velma.
69. Got off on the Wrong Foot
Part of my job is processing new employees. We had this one new guy that just so happened to be in a wheelchair. He came in early on his first day, and I helped him with some paperwork. Then, he came back to my office in the afternoon and said, "I think I got off on the wrong foot with you." Thinking that he was making a self-deprecating joke to kind of address the fact that he was in a wheelchair, I laughed and said "Good one!"
He just looked at me, blank-faced, and said, "What do you mean?" The dude really thought he had done something to make me angry earlier and was trying to apologize! I did my best to awkwardly back-pedal by saying, "That's funny you think I was mad. I wasn’t at all!" He was still looking at me funny when he left the office.
I literally spent a week cringing every time the phone rang because I was sure I was getting called into HR.
70. Hardheaded
I still cringe when I think about my first solo date back in high school. I had a huge crush on this girl, thought she was really cool and I loved her art and I couldn't believe she said yes. We went to the zoo because it was free and we were just broke teenagers and we had a blast. Afterward, we went to grab some food at this place before having to split off to go home.
Our trains were heading in the opposite directions and the entrances were across the street from each other, so I walked with her to her side to say goodbye. I closed my eyes and awkwardly leaned in to give her a kiss goodbye, and she went in more for a hug. I ended up headbutting her in the face and her nose started bleeding.
I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to say, so I just asked, "Are you okay?" She replied, "I think so." Still not knowing what to do I just said, "Okay, bye!" and then ran across the street to catch my train.
71. Approach The Roach
A doctor friend of mine told me about a patient that he had once. This patient was morbidly obese and needed surgery for something or the other. When they were cleaning the patient to prep him for surgery, they made a shocking discovery in the folds of his skin. There was a cockroach in there. Good thing the man was out cold or he might have passed out from embarrassment.
They didn’t know how long the thing had been in there but it was obviously long enough for the thing to suffocate. Apparently, they can’t survive everything.
72. Mumbles & Bumbles
On a Bumble date, he ended up talking about aliens making the world according to the book of Genesis and the earth being flat, very loudly in a coffee shop, with all of his proof. He sounded like the History Channel at 2 am. I tried to be as polite as possible but he was ridiculous. I am not sure if I was embarrassed more for me or for him.
Shutterstock
73. Bound in Holy Awkwardness
Recently went to a wedding where the groom had five or six different groomsmen, and they all gave a speech. First few were pretty good and funny. The last guy that went tried way too hard to make it funny. He started off with some lame cliché joke about how the bachelor party was crazy and that they'd never talk about it again.
He actually paused and waited for laughter and not a single person laughed out of over 150. Then his hands started shaking, and he kept losing his place. I think he eventually gave up after about two minutes of torture and just said, "To the bride and groom!" It was horrific.
74. Off The Walls
I walked into work at 5 pm one evening, The only people in the bar was a couple on a date. A fellow bartender walked out of the restroom, shaking his head in disbelief and shock. He immediately started pointing at the guy and told me what happened. When I walked into the men's room, the sight was so gruesome I almost threw up. it looked like a bomb exploded in there.
A waitress asked me if she could say something to the gentleman. I was so angry that I said sure. She walked up to the table and asked the guy if he had pooped himself or if he needed a doctor. The woman on the date then turned around in complete confusion and asked the waitress what she meant.
The waitress then replied: "He knows what I'm talking about...he pooped all over the wall in the men’s restroom!" The woman on the date shoved her plate and drink into the guy's lap and said: "Really, Vince? Again?!" He ran out of the restaurant as fast as he possibly could before we could make him clean it up. Hard to think of how a date could get any more awkward than that…
75. Stranger, You’re Not From Around Here!
I live in small town Iowa, where everyone is polite and reserved. One time, I took my then three-year-old nephew out to a restaurant to eat while he was in town to visit me. The man in the next booth looked very frail and had a portable oxygen tank with him. He had a coughing fit, and my nephew said, "Auntie, that doesn't sound too good." That part in and of itself wasn't so bad. But then the coughing fit continued, so my nephew turned to the man and said in his thick New York accent "’Scuse me, we're trying to eat here! Can you go die somewhere else?"
76. Hide And Seek
I was working OB as an off-service resident. I went in to examine the patient who was in labor but had just arrived. She was morbidly obese and had an extremely large fat fold that I had to lift up to check for cervical dilatation. Upon lifting the fold there was this horrendous smell and a large quantity of black material.
It didn't really look like necrotic tissue to me so I grabbed a bottle of saline and started wiping away at the area. The patient suddenly looked down and screamed out to her husband to come over because, "He [referring to me] found it.” Turns out they played a game at home where they would hide chocolate ho-ho's in the fat folds on their body.
This one just happened to go missing for three days prior to coming to the hospital in labor.
77. Fresh Produce
I work as an OB-GYN. An attractive blonde international flight attendant—a regular patient of mine—called for an emergency appointment. She sheepishly told me that she was beginning to get very concerned that she kept finding Costa Rican postage stamps inside her. Now, I had been in my job for 24 years and never heard of anything like that before.
After a full examination, she was relieved to learn they were just the stickers from the bananas.
78. Plenty Of Fish In The Sea
I was messaging with a woman on Plenty of Fish, and her pictures were a little blurry. We messaged back and forth a few times and she offered to send me some more pictures in my email. She was cute, not gorgeous, but with curves in all the right places. I appreciated that she asked me to meet up and I figured why not!
She chose a particular restaurant for dinner. I got there a little early, and she showed up a few minutes after I did. I couldn't believe what she was wearing. I could only describe it as a prom dress. She explained that she doesn't go out very often and likes to dress up when she does. She was also wearing some very high heels, and definitely not comfortable.
We go into the restaurant and sit down to order a drink when a couple of her friends "just happen to show up” and come over. Comments like, "Is this your date? Oh, y'all are going to have so much fun tonight, do you have any cute friends you can hook us up with tonight? What are y'all doing after dinner?" It was all too much for me.
We ate and I told her I appreciated her meeting me for dinner but I didn't feel like we were hitting it off. Undeterred, she asked if she could come by my place, for a one-time kind of thing. I gently said no, and she started crying. I jumped in my vehicle and put the pedal to the metal. I haven't been back to that restaurant since.
Pexels
79. A Question That’s Hard to Stomach
This one happened to my midwife. She was pregnant with her second child, and her three-year-old daughter asked why mommy's belly was so big. It was then explained to her that mommy had a baby in there. So she turns to daddy and asks “Do you have a baby in your tummy too?” Dad gently replies “No, I’m just fat!” A few days later, the girl is waiting in the checkout line with her mom and a very large lady comes up behind them in the line. The little girl asks the lady “Do you have a baby in your tummy like my mommy does?” The lady is kind and just says no she doesn’t, to which the girl responds “Oh, just fat then?”
80. Patiently Waiting
Over 25 years ago a coworker set me up on a blind date. The evening arrived, and I was a little early at the restaurant. Feeling anxious, I ordered a drink, and chatted with the waitress, telling her I was on a blind date. After the first drink, I checked the time and my date was 15 minutes late. City traffic. I figured. But the seed of doubt was planted.
I finished the second drink quickly while battling new anxiety mixed with doubt, and a bit of fear. I took a deep breath, sighed, and tried to relax. "Still waiting?" the waitress asked, startling me out of my worry. I tried to laugh, but it felt hollow. Checking the time again, my date is now 45 minutes late. I felt terrible—but I didn't know this chilling truth.
My face was red and I wanted to shrink into the booth. At the hour mark I couldn't take it anymore and gave up. As I was paying, my waitress found me. "She stood you up," and I just nodded. Then I walked out the door and went home. I found out two days later, my date had passed in an auto accident on the way to the restaurant.
81. And Then There’s Darrell
I accidentally mixed up an inside joke with the wrong friend group, with disastrous results. Friend group #1: The “joke” was when someone calls and asks who’s all there, we would add Darrell to the list of names. Darrell wasn’t a real person. The joke wasn’t really funny, and made no sense out of context, but I guess that’s why it was an inside joke.
Friend group #2: I was hanging out playing some drinking games with a bunch of people who I hadn’t hung out with in a while. It was a kind of get together to remember a friend they had who had recently perished in a car accident. I didn’t know him that well, but I was always down to party. Anyway, the phone rings, and the person who answered started listing off names.
Sorting my cards for another round of President, I offhandedly said, “heh and Darrell!” It was the typical record-scratch moment where everyone stopped and looked at me. Except it was even more awkward than that. Darrell was the name of the friend who had just passed. This happened in 2002 and I still think about it all the time.
82. The Last Laugh
Went on a date with this girl a couple of years ago to a comedy show. I picked her up and she was a little tipsy from day drinking with her friends. We go to the comedy show and get seated in the first row. I don’t recall who the comedian was but he did a lot of crowd work. Halfway through, I look over at my date, and she is head back, mouth open passed out. I knew what was coming—but it was still brutal.
The comedian begins ripping into me about boring my date to sleep for five minutes. By this point, my date wakes up and is with it for a minute or two, but then falls asleep again! By this point I could tell the comedian would not let me live this down and everyone around me was laughing and giving her concerned looks.
The waitress comes over and pulls my date to the side, giving me an excuse to get my date away from me (good on her for looking out), and asks her if she was safe. Thankfully we were new in our short relationship because she told me after that if we were closer she would have pranked me or something. Didn’t follow up on another date.
83. It’s A Buffet
I was working on the L&D floor in a rural hospital in Georgia as a fourth-year medical student and making my rounds. Late in the morning, I was checking up on a morbidly obese female who had given birth not too long before. She had had a C-section and while the procedure was underway, I noticed that she had a dollar bill tattoo near the surgical incision under her waistline.
When I came around to see her, I had to ask what the significance of her tattoo was. Her response made me turn redder than a beet. She said, "All you can eat under a buck.”
84. An Old One and Not a Good One
This was in high school. She invited me to her house to have dinner with her family and I didn't know them very well yet. The conversation turned to names we thought were old-fashioned and ugly-sounding. We all threw out a few like Gertrude, Bertha, and Eugene, and then I said the one thing that ruined everything.
I said, "At least that one's not as bad as Deborah!" I used my ugly voice and everything. Her mom's name is Deborah. Her grandmother was also at the table with us.
85. Child’s Play
My girlfriend and I went to a hibachi restaurant one time and we witnessed the most cringeworthy moment you can possibly imagine. We sat down at our table and were joined by another couple. We said hello to each other and casually talked with the strangers. Just before the chef began to cook, the woman handed her boyfriend a small gift bag.
The guy opened the bag and found a card in it with an ultrasound picture inside. The man was visibly upset and embarrassed. He kept telling her that she knew he didn’t want any kids. A hushed argument ensued after that, and at one point, the woman disappeared into the bathroom. He then told us that he didn’t even like the woman and he especially did not want a kid with her.
We then finished our meals in awkward silence. We often wonder what happened to those people.
86. A Scheduling Conflict
I once witnessed a bride show up almost two hours late to her own wedding. This was in Southern California, in an open field with no water and no shade. She shows up and wants to get married in her yoga outfit. The groom got very angry and shut the whole thing down. When she refused to change her clothes, the groom decided to just leave her there looking stupid and they never got married.
I spoke with my uncle and it turns out that the groom had been having some suspicions that his fiancé was sleeping with her personal trainer. When she showed up to the wedding in her yoga outfit, it was all he needed to see to call off the wedding. She ended up getting married to her personal trainer shortly after, and then they got divorced soon after.
87. Not As Advertised
One time, my boyfriend and I went out to dinner. Sitting directly in front of us was a middle-aged man wearing basketball shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops with socks. He had ordered himself a large appetizer and was drinking a beer. Five minutes later, this younger, attractive, and very nicely-dressed woman came in and sat with him.
You could tell by the look on her face that this was the first date and that he was not what she had expected. By this time, he had already eaten most of the appetizer. He started talking very loudly about how tiny her body was and how he was a big man who liked to be in charge. We felt terrible for this girl! She was very mousy and seemed too sweet to say anything.
He kept trying to get her to take shots with him while urging her to crash at his place afterward. When my boyfriend and I were leaving, we made the bartender aware that the girl looked to be uncomfortable.
88. At Least They’re a Happy Family
Sleeping over my friend’s house in seventh grade. I was trying to sleep on the floor, however, his parents decided to have very loud, wall-rattling sex. I laid there trying to fall asleep for about 15 minutes, when a loud shriek hinted that it was over...I kinda laughed a little and my friend, who I thought was sleeping, just says "I am so sorry.”
89. The Potato Famine
I worked as an ER nurse. The most awkward story I have comes from this one crazy old lady. One day this little hermit of an old lady who never leaves her house came into the ER. Her chief complaint was, "I've got the greens." Now, we had no idea what that meant so I had to interview her to find out more. It was the craziest thing.
Turned out that she had a problem with uterine prolapse. That can happen a lot with older women who have had a bunch of kids—their uterus literally sags partway out of them. Apparently, she got tired of her saggy uterus so she used a potato—a Yukon Gold to be specific—like a cork. Yup, stuck the thing right up in there.
As if that wasn’t weird enough, she forgot all about her Yukon Gold and, well, potatoes like to sprout in dark, moist environments. So, she pulled down her pants to reveal that she literally had shrubbery growing down there. I mean, she was giving new meaning to “bush.” The doctor had to go in after that thing to get it out.
I'll tell you; I've never smelled something that horrible in my life.
90. Jabba the Hutt Would Be Proud
When I was like 10 or 12 years old, I was in my room after just having taken a shower, when for some reason I got the weird idea to use my belt and a couple of towels to make the Princess Leia slave outfit bottom (by the way, I'm a boy). As I stood there wearing it (the front flap slightly raised since I had been thinking about Princess Leia) my mom walked right on in.
For what seemed like an eternity I saw her confused face trying to figure out what was happening, and just as she was about to ask about it I jumped across the room and slammed the door in her face. With my face bright red, I hurriedly threw on my clothes and went downstairs as if nothing had happened. My mom tried to bring it up once, but I feigned ignorance, and not another word has been spoken of it since.
91. Rock And Roll
I once saw something super awkward while waiting for a take-out order at a sushi place. Around 3 pm, a guy came in and explained to the staff that he was coming in later that night with a date. He wanted them to come out with a roll and say: "Hi so and so, nice to see you again, this is on the house." He thought this would impress the girl and make him seem important.
The waitress gave him the blankest look, so he explained the whole thing again, emphasizing how he would actually pay for the roll. I should have gone back later to see how that played out.
92. This One Takes the Cake
I once attended a classmate’s wedding. They were both young, maybe about 22 or 23 years old. There is apparently a “caking” tradition in some parts of the country where, when they cut the wedding cake, the couple feeds each other a little bit of it and smears some onto each other’s faces as a joke. The bride had absolutely made it 1000% clear to the groom that she did NOT want to be caked.
He did it anyway. And not just a small smear. He full-on smushed the entire slice into her face. She was stunned initially, then got up, with her face full of cake, and yelled “YOU JERK! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!” She then ran as fast as she could to a back area near the reception. The groom tried to follow her, but the bridesmaids and the mother of the bride stopped him.
So, the groom ended up sitting awkwardly at the head table by himself while half the wedding party rushed off with the bride. She stayed back there for like an hour. They eventually did let him go back there to check on her. We could hear her crying and them arguing. The rest of the reception came to a screeching halt until one of the bride’s aunts emerged and directed the servers to clear the tables and put on some music.
They got divorced two years later.
93. Letting It Rip
In third grade, I went to the bathroom, and thinking I was alone, put my hands against the wall, leaned forward, and let out a long gigantic fart. Afterward, I let out a nice big sigh of relief and pleasure. I turn around that some other kids had come in as I was releasing that massive fart. Did not look them in the eyes as I left. It’s not the fart that was strange, no matter how long it may have been.
It's the hands against the wall, prepping my body to let it rip, and moaning "uuuuunnggghhh" afterward.
94. Lights Out, Pants Off
I was seeing a urologist in a hospital once. During my visit, there were a couple of power cuts. The lights dipped out but the generators kicked in, thankfully. As the urologist was finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights went out again. This time, however, the generator did not kick in right away. The urologist got up and walked out to check on things.
15 minutes later, the lights came back on. I was still sitting on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walked past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes. “Do…do you have an appointment?" she asked. Turns out, the urologist had actually finished the examination and returned to the ward a while ago.
To the nurse, I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open. Awkward.
Shutterstock
95. If These Walls Could Talk…
I got my first kiss on the lips when I was about eight years old. That night, I went home and decided since things were heating up in my newfound relationship, that I ought to get to practicing. I decide the wall is a safe bet and begin to make out with it. Then I start whispering to the wall, pretending it is my third-grade boyfriend. I hear a floorboard creak and look over to see my grandma standing in the doorway.
She backs away, looking down at the ground. This has haunted me for so long and so deeply that I think about it at least once a week.
96. Wait Until You See This…
I went to the dermatologist when I was 18 just before heading off to college. I had a few red spots on my chest and she wanted to check "down below" to ensure there was no internal bleeding. While my pants were down and she was checking everything out, the nurse walked in without knocking. She got a nice view…along with half the waiting room.
The nurse backed out quickly and I received a profuse apology from the dermatologist. The doctor had to go prepare a treatment and I got to hear her tear the nurse a new one in the next room.
97. Sounds Like A Cool Dude
While working in the hospital, a very attractive female in her mid-20s came in with her boyfriend complaining of abdominal pain. Part of the work-up required a pelvic exam and bimanual exam (that meant putting two fingers into the patient’s cervix). I offered to have a female perform the exam but she said it was ok if I did it.
A chaperone was present but her boyfriend demanded to watch as well. Now, I’m a professional but the whole situation got really weird. The patient’s boyfriend stood across the foot of the bed from me. He stared me directly in the eyes with a scowl the entire time I performed the bimanual exam. It made for a very uncomfortable situation for all—but it wasn't even over.
After the exam, the boyfriend pulled me aside and told me that he thought he knew why his girlfriend was in pain. He claimed to have "[bedded] her harder than ever” the previous night. I have no idea why he felt the need to say that but I assume it was because he was trying to prove something. It was the strangest encounter I’ve had with a patient or their family.
Shutterstock
98. Flowing With Emotion
A woman was eight months pregnant. A guy brings her in for Valentine's Day and has the mariachi band sing their love song. He pulls out the expected ring and she says yes. Things looked perfect! Only spicy Mexican food is perhaps not the best choice when your eight months pregnant. She hurriedly shuffled to the restroom five times. The fifth, she...didn't quite make it.
It's a tiny community, so I met them years later at a wedding party. I walked up and introduced myself. I mentioned I had met them years ago. "I was there years ago when y'all got engaged. The emotions were just... flowing that night?" The husband laughed until he cried, the poor wife just covered her face in shame.
99. Chump Change
About a year or so ago, I was standing in line at the grocery store, waiting to pay for my small grouping of items. The man in front of me is elderly, maybe late 80s or early 90s. He has finished his transaction and is trying to get his wallet out of his pants to pay. Now, this guy’s clothes are about two sizes too big for him, so everything is kind of hanging off of him.
Because of his advanced age and loose clothing, reaching into his back pocket to retrieve said wallet is proving to be extremely difficult. He seems to lack the strength and coordination to both maintain his reach and grab the wallet from the very deep and loose back pocket of his old man pants. This goes on for, without exaggeration, five solid minutes.
Picture a grocery store with lots of people trying to get dinner and whatnot, and everyone is basically on hold while this guy tries and tries to get his wallet out, to no avail. Now, here comes the horror. Old man, WITHOUT A WORD TO ME, points his rear end at me and just looks into my eyes. I realize that HE WANTS ME TO GET HIS WALLET OUT FOR HIM.
The realization hits me and I am frozen. There are like 10 people in line behind me all watching this happen, and who want to get home in time for Jeopardy. I start to do nothing, but then realize that this dude is genuinely looking for help. So, I reach into his back pocket to try and retrieve the wallet as quickly as possible. This is when I realize what the real problem was.
The dude has a Costanza wallet x 10. It’s huge. And heavy. I am trying to get a grip on the thing and I cannot get it past the loose fabric of the deep pocket, and more folds of what I realize are HIS OLD MAN FLOPPY BUTT FLESH. I swear I tried for like 30 seconds to get the thing, and couldn’t. But it wasn’t even over.
At this point, I turn around and see the horror on some people’s faces, because to the untrained eye, I am a dude sticking his hand down a poor old man’s pants. In a grocery store. In broad daylight. It’s at this point that I give up and tell the guy "Sir, it’s all good your stuff is on me." I cram my card into the machine and pay for his stuff, which is only like $12.
He thanks me and shuffles out of the store while I pay for my stuff and slide off to my new life as a predator of the elderly.
100. So Much for Privacy Settings
I was interviewing for a big promotion at my old job. I had put in the time, the hours, and the effort for this promotion, and I had been passed up a few times, so I was sending out resumes while trying to get this promotion. I go through the first interview, and everything seemed great. They invited me for the second interview.
I was so excited. Flash forward two days, and I go in for the interview. The interview is with the regional and site managers. Everything is going great, they are asking me, "What are your priorities, goals, etc." At the end, the site manager changes his posture and says, "Would you say that you're a loyal employee?"
Taken aback, I say, of course, I've been here almost two years, etc. And like a shark circling his prey, this dude turns his computer monitor around, and shows me my PRIVATE Facebook posts that I posted that I was in the market for a job in the same field. Now, there's no way he could have seen this, as it was a friends-only post.
Someone I work with had to have tattled on me here. He then proceeds to read them to me out loud, not only the posts about my job search, but personal posts about my health situation and questions that I didn't bring up to anybody other than personal friends. I look at the regional manager and this guy won't look me in the eyes, he is shifting, obviously uncomfortable.
I tried to say that I was looking just in case this promotion didn't work out, as I am a college student paying my way through school, but he kept interrupting me and saying, "Loyalty is key." He then tells me, "We will think about it," and points toward the door. The regional manager kind of coughs and goes to shake my hand, but by that point, I was already out the door.
So I said "Thanks anyway," and then proceed to have the most uncomfortable walk back to my desk—I was wearing heels for the first time in like a year so I stumbled on my way out the door—with coworkers asking for the details if I got the promotion. I didn't get the job. I think the whole thing was just an "in your face" type deal.
I went on to get a promotion in a different department. I worked there for about another year and a half, and then I moved on to work for Netflix, actually. So, it all worked out! That manager was unfortunately promoted to regional, but the replacement manager was much nicer and not a huge jerk.
.jpg){kind=link}
