Most people realize that honesty is important for a healthy relationship and that there are certain secrets that you should never keep from your partner. But at the same time, we've all got a little something to hide.
1. This Is Too Funny
It was March 1993 and a huge blizzard swept the east coast. I was young, bored, and had been getting extreme, er "urges". Like tweens do. I didn't know then what exactly it was that I was feeling, but knew that it was normal for my age. Well, we were out of school for what must have been three weeks but felt like an eternity.
I wasn't around anyone my age, there were no girls in my neighborhood, and obviously no Internet for browsing of a certain kind. But even if there was, I'd definitely be too afraid to attempt it. So one evening before dark, I decided enough was enough and I couldn't handle the urge anymore.
I had been holding back for weeks because I was too embarrassed to do anything in the bathroom, as the guilt and anxiety of someone catching me was too much. My room wasn't an option because the door didn't lock and when my door was shut someone would ask why or just open it.
It was far too risky and I couldn't jeopardize my reputation of being the only normal one in my family. So I threw on my snow clothes and scuttled off into the wilderness behind my house with a plan. I wasn't sure I'd actually do it but I wasn't exactly thinking straight either, for obvious reasons.
Once I arrived at my destination, I decided to slide down into a gully that was about 15 feet deep. I sat there for a few minutes and listened for footsteps in case someone saw me, but it was completely silent and I could almost hear my inner voice saying, "Don't do it, man".
"This is the moment of no return," I told myself. I was like a runaway train never going back, wrong way on a one-way track. Anyway, I got to work and started shaping snow into a female body. She had an ideal-sized chest, curves, and the necessary inlet. I unzipped and went ahead with the task that lay before me
Within a minute or so it was all over.. A few seconds of guilt and shame overcame me as I zipped up and erased the evidence. I crawled out of the gully, back through the woods to my house. I went to my room and tried my best to forget her, but to my surprise that would be impossible. Every time it snows, I still think of her.
2. The Good Kind Of Secrets
I do some things for my girlfriend to make her life better, but I’ll never tell her about them. I earn more than her but she refuses to do a reasonable split on the bills. She wants 50/50 even though 50% of the bills is 80% of her income and 50% of the bills is only 25% of mine.
So, every week when she tops up the gas, I secretly add 5 dollar on between her top ups so she thinks we are using less. We do a strict food budget, but after work I top up some things. I know she dreads running out of like wash tablets and sponges. She either knows, or just thinks we have somehow started using less of everything.
I also put loose change in her purse. Not much, like two or three dollars every day, and she gets really happy to find it. She also has money tins that you can't open where she saves for things. I'm pretty sure over 50% of the money in it is what I've put in when she isn’t looking.
There is way more I do for her and the kindness is more than reciprocated my way too. We just love and respect each other and do everything we can to make each other’s worlds easier.
3. No Butts About It
My mother-in-law came to visit us, and she and my wife were home when I arrived home from work. Apparently, her mother was not feeling well because she was taking her temperature. When I looked in the medicine cabinet, I came to a horrific realization. The oral thermometer was still in the cupboard...and the anal thermometer for my son was missing.
They look very similar and I previously suggested to my wife that we needed to mark one so no mishaps would ever occur. My wife told me that I was being ridiculous, of course, so I didn’t bother labelling them because I personally know the difference between the two. Butt, oh well!
4. Serious Warning, Folks
One time I left my younger daughter (the middle child) in a hot car and forgot she was there. My wife and my oldest daughter had gotten out and went into a theater where the oldest daughter had her dance recital. I parked the car about 100 feet away and for some reason, maybe because my wife and daughter got out, my stupid brain just decided to go into kid-free mode.
To say I panicked 10 minutes later when I remembered would be an understatement. I was mid conversation with someone and when I remembered her, I just turned and ran. No explanation. I sprinted to the car, but knowing it was only 10 minutes I knew it would be ok.
There she was. A little sweaty, but just sitting there and looking around. She smiled when she saw me. This memory haunts me. I frequently lose sleep or have to pull my mind off it. The thought of what could have happened and how easy it was to forget her will never leave me. And I am way too scared to ever tell my wife about that.
Always double check for your kids folks. Even if you think you’re good or have a great memory.
5. Yikes!
One time I thought I locked my keys in the car. The truth was too embarrassing to tell. They were in my pocket. Yep. I figured out halfway through and by then I decided to take this secret to the grave. Sometimes I detach the ignition key off my huge keychain to make it easier.
I peeked through my car, saw the keychain, and didn't even check my pockets. I just assumed I left all my keys in the locked car. Stupid. We had to walk two miles to her friend's job up a hill, in super cold windy conditions, in like flip flops and definitely not suitable clothing.
Then we got a super awkward drive to her house from her friend, then we had to drive 30 minutes to my house, get my spare keys, go back, and give the other dude some gas money. It took us like two hours and we were both exhausted and wanting to go home at the start of it, and then I of course had to drive back and drop her off and then get gas and then go home.
It was a whole ordeal, and the darn keys were in my pocket the entire time.
6. You Can’t Just Throw Them Out!
We were on holiday in Dublin and we had a fancy breakfast planned. Except, I wasn’t hungry when we got there. I never told my wife that the reason I wasn’t hungry was because when I stayed behind to get ready while she waited in the lobby, I ate the entire box of leftover chicken wings that we took home from the restaurant the day before.
She asked me to throw them out on my way out the door. I filled my stomach instead. I ate 15 cold, oily chicken wings in about five minutes at nine in the morning, before heading out for beautiful breakfast reservations.
7. Well, He Tried
A secret I’ll never tell my wife is that I never paid for her engagement ring. I went to a custom jeweler to have her ring made. It’s a beautiful piece, and she loves it dearly, and it certainly wasn’t cheap—appraised and insured for around $10k.
The jeweler was dealing with a lot of family issues at the time, and was incredibly disorganized. I went to pick up the ring and brought my checkbook to pay for it. When she handed me the ring, I took it out and asked her who to make the check out to. She said, “Oh no, don’t worry about it right now, just send me a check in the mail”.
I thought that was strange, but sure okay. She then hurried off to help another customer and I left. I realized a bit later that she never told me what the final price was. For the next six months, I texted and called the jeweler asking, “Hey just tell me what amount to put and I’ll mail you the check”, and there was always a reason she couldn’t tell me, like: “Oh sorry, I’m out right now, I’ll find it and text you later”.
Her shop was a few hours away from where I live, so it wasn’t feasible to stop by and handle it in person. I tried for those six months, but after that I stopped calling/texting and just figured I got the ring for free. I wouldn’t tell my spouse, because I don’t want her to think I took advantage of the situation or that somehow the ring isn’t as meaningful because I didn’t pay for it.
8. A Magical Moment Regardless
If I told my partner my biggest secret, it would go like this: I knew you were going to propose. You left an email up on the computer where you sent a picture of a ring to a friend, asking her if I will like it. I immediately closed the email and went on about my day.
We went on the long trip to Hawaii. One of the days you told me to dress up and I wore this cute white summer dress. I still remember the way you looked at me. You looked at peace. We drove up the coast to the beach your friend recommended. As soon as we pull in, it dawns on you that this isn’t a private beach.
It’s pure madness. People everywhere. I saw the look of panic on your face. I squeezed your arm and said let’s keep driving. I knew what you wanted to do. We grabbed dinner at a mom-and-pop place and found the most beautiful secluded beach after. That’s where you proposed and it was absolutely perfect.
I wont ever tell him that I knew because it would ruin the magic of that day.
9. Secretly Clumsy
I knocked the TV off the shelf. I was walking quickly with a laundry basket half on my hip and knocked into the shelf. The TV came tumbling down and landed upside down on some shoes. I guess the shoes cushioned the fall because the TV worked perfectly.
My husband has told me a thousand times to slow down so I won't bump into things, which I do often. I will never tell him that the TV fell from five feet and it was totally my fault. I also accidentally popped a leg off of my mother-in-law's antique Aueen Anne-style vanity/dressing table. It has seven other legs and I wedged it back in place. No one knows or ever will.
10. This Might Be A Good One To Keep On The Down Low
I’m 32, and I met my girlfriend when I was 30. I’ve never had a relationship before that. When I was 25, still having no luck with girls, I decided I’m just going to take the leap and lose my virginity. I visited a lady-of-the-night (it’s somewhat allowed where I’m from) and it was honestly a pleasant experience.
I’ve been visiting these ladies, whatever you want to call them, ever since. I’d visit once every few months. When I met my girlfriend, we didn’t immediately get together. I was kind of attracted to her but thought I had no chance. So, the first few months since meeting her, I was still seeing those ladies.
It wasn’t until we kind of talked a bit more, it suddenly clicked. I realized that I should stop. I felt a deeper connection than just attraction but we still weren’t anything more than friends. However, I did feel for the first time that I actually had a chance. So, I just stopped seeing the ladies and a bit later, we officially got together.
I don’t know if she would be accepting or disgusted by how much I’ve visited those type of women before, but I don’t plan on giving her the opportunity to think about it. Both of us have a past that we admit to but don’t want to elaborate on. She mentioned one of her exes was awful, but I don’t pry.
Similarly, when talking about intimate experiences I’ve told her I’m not inexperienced but I also don’t want to share more than that. I don’t want to tell her that before her, all my intimate experiences have been through payment. I was so convinced I’d never find a partner in life that it still feels surreal to me now that I have a girlfriend.
I never want to lose her and go back to being hopeless. While I’m not exactly ashamed of it, I do feel this piece of my past has the potential to really jeopardize my relationship and I’m not risking it. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me.
11. Facepalm
My best friend and I just turned 18 and decided to visit the "adult" toy store 30 minutes away out the middle of nowhere, like nothing else around it. There was no way to say we went somewhere else if we needed a cover story. Well, we get done browsing and head back to the car when I realize I don’t have my keys.
They’re sitting there in the driver’s seat. We finally decide to call my mom. I’m embarrassed as heck and have to tell her where we are at. A few minutes before she pulls up, I’m thinking, “Let me check the passenger side door just in case”. It was unlocked the entire time.
Modestas Stragys , Shutterstock
12. This Guy Deserves A Medal For This
Something I will never tell my wife is that she ended a cat’s life. She's very much a cat person. One day, she picks me up from a friend's house. While driving through town, a cat ran in front of us and we heard a thud underneath the car. She screamed and looked in the rearview mirror and we see the cat stagger into a driveway.
She was very upset and convinced she'd killed it. I told her no, no, the cat clearly ran across the street and is probably fine! She was meeting some friends and I was taking the car home so she asked if I would check the driveway of that house on my way home to make sure the cat was ok. I said I would.
I drove back that way and parked a few houses down and looked in the driveways. What I saw made my heart sink. There is was, a goner. Part of me was thinking just go home and say you seen it happily licking itself, but curiosity got the better of me.
The problem was, it was a gated house that was also a Bed & Breakfast, so I didn't want to just wander in on someone else’s property. Instead, I rang the phone number on the sign at the side of the road. At this point I’m now thinking, what the heck am I doing? I should have been home long ago, but I was on autopilot and just went with it.
The owner answers and I tell him there's possibly a dead cat in your drive, do you mind if I come in just to check? The guy is like, "Um yeah I guess, it's just I'm out of town and there's no one here. But it's fine if you want to let yourself in the side gate". He also says thanks so at this point I have to do it, I'm too far in now.
I let myself in and walk over and there she is, definitely gone. Oh balls, well I'll just tell my wife the cat wasn't there and we can forget about the whole thing. Except for one problem. The owner now knows there could be a cat body on his property, and when he gets home and sees it lying there, he's got my number and will know I just left it there.
So now I have to make a decision: Do I leave this cat here or do I take it away. If I do take it away, what do I do with it? Across the street is a store, so I walk over and buy bin bags and rubber gloves. I make my way back over and scoop the fluffy deceased cat into a bin bag. Now, I have a cat in a bag, and I walk it over to my car.
People are walking past me on the street, smiling and giving that upwards nod that strangers give. I give a nod back but I'm not fully into it because they don't know I'm walking past them with a deceased cat in a bin bag. I don't feel like taking it into my car because, you know.
So, I Google vets and there happens to be one not too far away, walking distance. I ring and ask them do they dispose of deceased pets, they said they do. So, I make my way down there, in through the front door and ask the receptionist if I was just talking to them about pet disposal. She looks at me, slightly freaked, and says yes.
I produce the bag and say, “Ok, well I have a cat here, can I just give it to you”? She tells me to leave it out by the back door, and charges me 50 quid for the pleasure. I walk back to the car and sat there for at least half an hour, in silence and as still as a cat trying to process the last hour of my life.
I text my wife and say, “No honey, I couldn't find the cat. She must be fine and ran off somewhere safe, see you at home xxx”. I’ll never tell her any of this story.
13. This Is Adorable
I’ll never tell my girl that the thing that made me realize that I was in love with her is when I was taking a shower and got done, I walked into the room and she must not have heard me get out. She was laying on her side on the bed with her eyes closed, and she was picking her nose.
I didn't want to embarrass her, so I stepped back out and from a distance and asked where I set my clean clothes as I was walking back in, to make it seem like I was just coming in. She was visibly startled and quickly stopped, but continued to lay there with her eyes closed.
I pretended that I saw nothing, but I couldn't help but smile. It was such an innocent and human moment. I have no idea why, but it made me realize right then and there that I loved everything about her. As silly as that moment was, there was a beauty in it, and I cherish that memory.
14. The Girlfriends Must Never Know
I used to have a private Instagram handle where I'd film my breakfast on any given morning as I poured hot sauce on it. But the value proposition over other Instagram foodies was that I would make all sorts of risque noises as I "shot" hot sauce or what have you all over my over-easy eggs.
I was filming myself giving my morning meal a spicy money shot with EARNEST sound effects. The account was private, and only my friends' follow requests were permitted (not that there was any wider demand to follow it at all). It was a hit in my social circle, bringing tears of laughter to some of their eyes even.
But after I started seriously dating my current girlfriend, I removed all followers and haven't posted or really spoken about it since. Sometimes my friends, when present in mixed company with my girlfriend, will drop a thinly-veiled reference to it, but I've countered with a thinly-veiled threat to reveal to their significant other that they followed it themselves and enjoyed it thoroughly.
It's an enjoyable battle I am waging against my buddies with the risk of mutually assured destruction.
15. What A Lesson To Learn
My girlfriend bought the cutest corgi puppy ever. Once while she was at work, it was late and I was preoccupied watching TV while this puppy was just doing puppy things in the same room. I took a melatonin capsule to start winding down for bed. I failed to notice where I left the bottle for the capsules.
Time passed, and I eventually looked back at the puppy and saw a bottle chewed up. I panicked, knowing it was the melatonin bottle. I quickly grab it and realized it was empty, not one pill to be found. I see the corgi just lying on his stomach watching me. I quickly Googled to see if this was dangerous for dogs, and in general my findings said it would be okay as long as it wasn’t the whole bottle...but it actually nearly was.
For some dumb reason I kept this to myself, hoping nothing bad would happen. I told myself if he got sick by the time she got home I’d come clean, and we’ll do something about it. But if he survives then it never happened. The whole night he was just lethargic. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to my girlfriend coddling him like a baby standing up, while his sleepy eyes caught glances at me.
My heart sank and I just prayed he’d be okay. I asked her what was wrong, and she said, “He’s just restless," not knowing anything that had happened. To this day she never found out, but our beautiful dog is alive and well. I know it was super irresponsible, and honestly one of the dumbest things that I did.
I love our dog so much, and from that day I told myself never again would I hesitate or be careless with him.
16. Note To Self: Always Have Two Bathrooms
The one time when she and I first got together and she spent the night, I made it very clear the next morning that I wanted her to leave. She was uncomfortable and brought it up later because of my behavior. But she'll never know the awful truth. I’ll never tell her it’s because since I only had one bathroom at the apartment and she was on the toilet that morning and my body runs on its own schedule, I had to poop in a small trash can on the back patio area I had.
I had a high fence so no one could see, but there was a mess I needed to clean, both outside and on myself. But of course, when she’s out of the bathroom she has no idea and is asking about breakfast or whatever while I’m covered in poop. After she left, I tossed my clothes and the trash can in the dumpster and took a long shower.
She also doesn’t know that’s the reason I’ve insisted any apartment we live in has two bathrooms. We’ve lived in four apartments together and every one of them has had two bathrooms, because I’m not doing that again.
17. This One Is Interesting
Something I would never tell my partner is that I make a bunch of gibberish vocalizations when I’m home alone. I have no clue why. It’s just some weird fake language I’ve been spewing since childhood. Something like this: “Sabio ni’ontas kartesh ki’tovan? Sargo ket’seeva, praish”?
I do this, constantly, in a sort of Russian/Arabic hybrid intonation. Almost entirely meaningless and 90% improvised apart from a few words that have attached themselves to specific objects/emotions over the years. It sort of reminds me of the The Sims.
Like we know that reality/perception is just electrical signals in the synapses of our brains…how do we know they’re not just neural nets in someone’s instance of Earth Simulator? My brain tells me to talk gibberish when I’m alone, why is that? I can’t possibly be the only one, but I definitely can’t tell anyone I know about this. Even though it’s literally been my whole life.
18. He’s An Angel, And Doesn’t Know It
Something I could never tell my partner is that he legit saved my life. He’s a nervous, humble guy who doesn’t like undue pressure or praise, so I keep it to myself just how bad off I was before he showed up. Because even in the aftermath of my mom’s demise and even in the face of some pretty nasty health problems, I was very, VERY good at smiling and being charming.
Three years of taking care of a terminally ill parent taught me how to smile and bear it and feign positivity even when you’re running on empty. I never felt like I could be anything other than The Fixer. The Doer. The Person Who Always Knows What To Say. The Reliable One. I was not allowed to be negative. Ever.
But he…legit came in and helped me with mom’s estate and cheered me into getting out of a soul-crushing career and put a stake in the heart of some severely bad relationships I had, and even helped me budget so I could “finally afford” health insurance, which wasn’t a moment too soon, because I caught my illness right in the nick of time.
And he just kind of…did it. In his mind it was nothing much because, “You were on the right track, but you had a lot on your plate and needed help”. And I just nod and agree because what else do I say? “I actually wasn’t. I was just going to let myself end because I was exhausted and miserable, smiles aside. Thanks for intervening”.
I’ll never have the guts to come clean about just how much I needed him, and still do.
19. Not All Heroes Wear Capes
A secret that I am keeping from my husband is that I had his mom removed from my room during labor. We don't have a great relationship and she showed up without asking, overnight bag and all. She said she was staying the night with me in the room. I had been in labor about 20 hours at this point.
The nurse mentioned I looked unsatisfied about it when everyone stepped out. She said, “I'll get it taken care of if you want” and I agreed. She made up a lie about how after 10 pm they don't allow visitors in the room, and it was so my body can be relaxed and not have company.
It worked. She stayed in the lobby all night. I am forever grateful for that wonderful nurse! And she kept the secret from my hubby too.
20. Smelt It, Dealt It
Dearest husband, remember when we were engaged and visited your mom in the hospital, and she let a toot go that was so rank your eyes watered and we still talk about it 20 years later? That was me.
21. Yes, I’m Positive I Got It
Sometimes when I shake the Kleenex outside, the spider isn't in it. Shh, don’t tell my wife.
22. That’s A Pretty Big Oops
That one time we went camping for three nights I left the garden hose on at home, full blast. We got a $700 water bill. Oops!
23. That Escalated Quickly
The biggest secret I've kept from my partner is about when I tooted. It escalated to ridiculous proportions. Like, hent checking the entire house, as well as asking the neighbors if they smelled anything, because he thought “it could be a gas leak”. The whole time I knew it was a waste of time, but I couldn't say anything.
Cast Of Thousands , Shutterstock
24. Ignorance Is Bliss
Early on in our relationship, I made breakfast for my then girlfriend and her kids using some pancake mix she had in the pantry. After making the pancakes and serving them, I went to mix up a little more to make mine...and I realized there were some maggots in the dry mix.
They were pretty much done eating, and telling me how good they were, so I decided that ignorance was better than telling them. Taking that one to my grave.
25. Secret Stalker
My secret from my guy is about how we really met…He thinks a mutual friend decided to play matchmaker, which is true. But there's way more to the story. A friend of mine sent screenshots of my his dating app profile saying, “I’ve just found your future husband”.
Some light googling led me to discover we shared a mutual friend; I spoke to him and he played matchmaker. Six years later, I’m never telling him that I basically stalked him first.
26. Ok, He’s A Keeper
Every pay check, I take out $25-$30 in small bills and slip some bills into her pockets while I’m folding laundry. Money is tight, and it’s the source of a lot of anxiety for her, so to see how excited/relieved she gets when she finds it makes me happy.
27. This Is A Good Secret To Keep
I saw on the call display that the jewelry store was calling. I let him answer it. He immediately left to "run an errand," then came home and took me out skating, where he romantically proposed on a frozen pond under a flood light on a February evening. We'll be married 20 years this year. I can't tell him I knew the whole time. I just can't.
28. Sleep Struggles
A secret from my girl? I sleep better alone than with her, even though she loves sleeping together. Although I haven’t told her, I believe she suspects it because she has been making suggestions such as sleeping more at my place, since we don’t live together at the moment.
Usually, we pick up two twin mattresses and push them together on the floor. We have separate blankets. I’m really sensitive to heat and hardly feel cold, whereas for her it’s the opposite. She feels cold frequently, sometimes even when I’m hot. Compromising on a room temperature is often complicated, especially since she sleeps poorly when I turn the fan on.
No matter what, I sleep so much better when I am alone, but I would hate to tell her that.
29. Oh, Snap!
The secret I’m keeping from my spouse is that I chipped our wonderful granite quartz counter (that he picked out) and filled it with white putty. I will take this to my grave.
30. Pro Snorkeling Tip
My biggest secret is that I pooped in the ocean while snorkeling off of Hawaii. That's not all. That was the reason for all the beautiful fish swarming around us all of a sudden (bon appetit, dear fish). Yes, indeed, it was magical. And I kept the details all to myself.
31. Secretly Dumb
I’ll never tell my spouse that I failed school. I had to take a basic education course before getting into university, and then it took me eight years to graduate from a three-year degree.
32. An Expensive Hobby
One of my biggest secrets from my wife is how much I’ve spent setting up a saltwater fish tank. She called me crazy for spending 1,000 bucks on lights. She doesn’t know the half of it.
33. Getting In That Me Time
Sometimes I stay 10-15 minutes in the car before coming up into the house. I’m not ashamed of it or anything, but I like some me time to be private and not judged. I haven’t told my wife though, and I’m not planning to.
34. Her Secret Admirer
A secret I’ll never tell my girlfriend is that I'm the one who calls her every year and sings her happy birthday in a funny voice. I try to keep it anonymous. If she's figured it out, it’s probably her secret that she will never tell me.
35. Stinky Sleeper
This woman and I worked together for about four months before we told each other that we had mutual feelings for each other. On our third date I went back to her apartment, she asked me to stay the night. Very little intimacy actually happened as we wanted to take it slow, but I did sleep over. Then I witnessed the most embarrassing thing.
In the middle of the night, she rips this loud toot (I’m a very light sleeper). I thought it was hilarious but I kept it to myself. We’ve been together/married for 17 years now and she still toots in her sleep, but I will never tell her.
36. The Monster-In-Law
A big secret I am keeping is that her mother, my mother-in-law, is really a selfish, ignorant, pig-headed, helpless drain on me, her, our children, our finances, and life in general. I am working very hard at pretending she isn’t because I love my wife so much. It’s been 35 years. It hasn’t gotten easier.
37. I’m The Problem, It’s Me
My secret is that I know who it is that keeps messing with the thermostat. IT’S ME.
38. It’s Just The Way She Talks
A secret I’ll never tell my wife is that she always screams when talking. She just doesn't seem to be able to talk at a normal level. I feel like she should be selling fish at a market place. I love her though.
39. She Probably Knew And Is Also Keeping This Secret
I’ll never tell my girlfriend that the passionate night we spent sharing a bed, drinking, and talking all night, wasn’t actually constantly interrupted by my need to pee. It was so much worse. I kept getting up to have intense diarrhea.
40. Talking Cats Are A Must
My husband loves talkative cats. So, when we first got our kittens, I gave them a treat every time they made a meow or chirp. Since I was working from home, they ended up becoming very vocal. He still goes on about how lucky we are to have such talkative cats, even though I know that "luck" has nothing to do with it.
41. Every Husband Needs To Lie About This
My wife pooped while delivering our son. It was something she was terrified she would do. The nurse cleaned up very quickly and gave me a look that needed no explanation. I never said a word. She talked after delivery about how happy she was that it didn’t happen to her. I’ll let her keep that peace of mind for life.
42. Not Once, Not Twice, But Three Times
I've broken my partner’s personalized cup their sister got them, three times! And every time I broke it, I tried desperately to recreate it. I recreated the design on paint and got some screen-printing stall at the mall to print it on the cup. Each time it looks a little bit different. I don't know if they've noticed yet.
43. Take This To The Grave, Sir
A secret I’d never tell: My wife's makeup looked terrible on our wedding day. I feel extremely guilty for even thinking it, but I just know that one of her girlfriends should have told her. It can never be me, though.
44. Cute Quirks
A secret I’ll never tell my wife is a quirk of hers that I actually love: When she can’t think of the right word. I usually know the word she’s looking for, but it’s more fun to hear her rattle off increasingly ridiculous ones, sometimes even using made up words instead.
45. Don’t Tell Your Mother
I simply cannot tell my spouse about all the times I mess up as a parent. I got our toddler out of bed one morning and went to do a sniff test of their butt to see if they had pooped over-night. Then I made a horrible mistake. When I lifted my child up, I stuck their head in the ceiling fan—that was turned on.
Oh, and then there’s the time I forgot to put the car in park with my kids in it.
46. Secret Switch
The biggest secret I have been keeping from my wife is that I left the Nintendo Switch she gifted me on a bus. The Switch that she sees me using is a replacement that I bought on eBay before she noticed.
47. Good Intentions
So, my best friend’s wife was really sick, but was also extremely stubborn and religious. She believed that God would heal her. She absolutely refused to go to the doctor, even though she was getting progressively sicker. So, my friend came to me and asked for a few of my sleeping pills.
They’re really strong and get you into a deep sleep quickly. He puts the pills in her drink, and like clock-work, in 30 minutes she's out cold. Then he asks me to help him get her to the hospital. She slept through the car ride and the next morning she wakes up in the hospital. We told her she passed out, so we rushed her there.
It was a good thing too, because it turned out that on top of that illness she had, she had stage one cancer. She survived and it's all good now. But he made me swear to not tell her what we did.
48. Good As Gold
When I was 14, my grandma passed. For years, I had been bothering my parents for my own gold necklace. Well, Gram had a little bit of money and she gave me the $300 for a gold necklace in her will. It was my pride and joy.
I had it around my neck for 17 years before I met my wife. It was off my neck maybe three times in those 17 years. My wife (then girlfriend) knew how much it meant to me and asked to wear it once. It ended it tragedy. It never came home. She had lost it somewhere or it had gotten stolen.
I was distraught like crazy for three or four days while we turned our house upside down looking for it. Inevitably, I gave up, but she was very bothered by it all. So, I decided to go to a pawn shop and buy the closest I could get to an exact duplicate and then I told her that I had found the necklace in the couch cushions.
To this day, she thinks that I found my necklace from my grandmother, but this is actually version two.
49. Mom Guilt Forever
When my husband was away for work for four months, I was working full time and single parenting and depressed as heck. One morning, I hurried our three-year-old out to the car before daycare with my hands full of stuff. I put everything in the car, put it in gear, and looked over my shoulder to back up.
I backed up approximately two feet and hit the brakes. My stomach dropped. I didn’t put our kid in the car! I was looking at an empty car seat. My toddler was standing beside his door on the passenger side waiting for me, and now he was crying because he thought I was ditching him.
If I hadn’t looked over my shoulder, I could have run over our kid. Blame sleep deprivation and all the other stuff going on, but mom guilt still eats me alive when I think about those two feet. My husband will never know because I don’t ever want him to think I’m a bad mom, or know exactly how bad it was for me while he was away.
50. Well, That Was Convenient
My wife’s mother was interfering in our marriage constantly. So, I set up an appointment with a lawyer to talk over options for divorce because I couldn't stand it anymore. But there was a twist. In the middle of this, her mother suddenly passed from a heart attack. After the funeral, things got better, and here we are now still married for three decades.
She doesn't need to know that I was ever considering divorce.
